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marking time

December 27th. The day after the day after. For me, it carries some significance, however. On this day ten years ago I wrote my first blog post here at Don’t Eat Alone. I was four years into coming to terms with my depression, which was still kicking my butt at that point. I was working as a restaurant chef and finding relief, hope, and challenge in the kitchen. And I was still trying to figure out how to be a writer. Thanks to Gordon Atkinson, who had a blog called Real Live Preacher at that time, I learned both what blogging was and how to get started. I found the name of the blog from a Christmas gift from my friend Cherry—a cookbook that had the quote from the Buddha: “There is no joy in eating alone.” I had planned for weeks to write and couldn’t get through whatever was blocking me. Thanks to Ginger, whose tenacious and indefatigable love has made all sorts of things possible in my life, I started writing.

This morning before church I read this editorial from the New York Times and was struck by this paragraph in particular:

One other effect of the incarnation: It helps those of us of the Christian faith to avoid turning God into an abstract set of principles. Accounts of how Jesus interacted in this messy, complicated, broken world, through actions that stunned the people of his time, allow us to learn compassion in ways that being handed a moral rule book never could.

I jotted down, “Love has a face.”

This morning in Sarah preached from Luke 2 and humanized the shepherds—fleshed them out if you will—reminding us they were people who stepped from their messy lives into the manger scene. The were scared and desperate and then joyful and amazed, and maybe even all those things at once. I was reminded again that the central story of my faith is about relationships, about people, about how God poured God’s self into human skin to remind us we are all worthy to be loved.

One of the reasons this blog has been crucial to my life is it gave me connections. As an extrovert and one who lives with depression, holing up in a room by myself to write (as I thought writers were supposed to do) was suffocating. I couldn’t do it. I mostly took naps. Posting to Don’t Eat Alone was creating a conversation, looking for a response; I was writing to someone, even though I didn’t know who. Because of one of those connections—Nancy Bryan, my awesome editor—I have been able to publish two books and feel like a writer in a more conventional sense.

As I have mentioned several times that one song in particular helped me at the depths of the darkness: Patty Griffin’s “When It Don’t Come Easy.” The chorus of the song says,

if you break down, I’ll drive out and find you
if you forget my love, I’m here to remind you
and stand by you when it don’t come easy . . .

Love has a face. And hands and feet. The love that matters most wears skin. I could spend the rest of the night telling stories about and naming the names of those who have incarnated love to me.

Oh, wait—that’s what I’ve been doing for the last ten years.

Thanks for reading, for writing back, for being. Yes, just for being, and helping me to remember we are wonderfully and uniquely created in the image of God and worthy to be loved.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: a christmas story, again

I had visions of a post and even the beginnings of a poem for tonight, but the days were not accomplished to see either born this night. I will, therefore lean into an unintentional tradition on this blog of posting my Christmas story, which I appear to have done for the last few years.

A Faraway Christmas

As we gather together on this Silent Night,
To sing ‘round the tree in the soft candlelight,

From a Faraway Christmas, from time that’s grown cold,
Comes a story, you see, that has seldom been told.

Of all of the legends, the best and the worst,
From Christmases all the way back to the first,

This little tale isn’t often remembered
From then until now, down through all those Decembers.

But I found an old copy tucked away on a shelf,
And I turned through the pages, and I thought to myself,

Of all of the times between now and then,
This is the Christmas to hear it again.

Once upon a time in a place we might know,
‘Cause their woods, like ours, often fill up with snow,

Was a small little hamlet — a Long Ago Town —
Of no great importance, or no real renown,

Filled with people who seemed fairly normal to me,
With names like Francesca, Francine, and McGee.

They had puppies and children, ate bread and ice cream,
They went shopping and swimming, they slept and they dreamed;

They laughed and did laundry, they danced and they dined,
And they strung Christmas lights on the big Scottish Pine

That grew in the square in the middle of town,
And when Christmas was over, they took the lights down.

They read the newspaper, they sometimes told jokes,
And some of the children put cards in the spokes

Of their bicycle tires, so they made quite a din
Till it came time for parents to call the kids in.

Yet for all of the things that kept people together,
The nice festive feeling, the Christmas Card weather,

For all of the happiness one was likely to hear,
This Faraway Christmas was marked, mostly, by fear.

Well, yes, they were frightened — but that’s still overstated;
What bothered folks most really could be debated.

Some were tired (exhausted), some were sad or depressed,
Some — the best way to say it — well, their lives were a mess.

Some felt pressure from not having paid all the bills,
Some were keeping dark secrets that were making them ill;

Some felt guilty and thought they were headed for hell,
But the town seemed so happy, who could they tell?

So everyone kept all their feelings inside,
And wished they had someone in whom to confide,

To say, “Life is lousy,” or “I’ve made a mistake,”
Or “Sometimes I’m so sad I don’t want to awake,”

Or “I miss my Grandma,” or “I loved my cat,”
Or “I never, no never get my turn at bat.”

Everyone kept it in, no one said a thing
Until once Christmas Eve, when the man they called Bing

Came to turn on the lights on the tree in the square
And nobody — not anyone — no one was there,

And he looked at the lights as he sat on the curb
And he said — to no one — “I feel quite disturbed;

“I know that it’s Christmas, when I should feel warm,
But I don’t think this year that I can conform.

It’s been hardly two months since my friend passed away;
How can I smile when he’s not here to say,

“’Merry Christmas’?” he asked and burst into tears,
And all of the sadness from all of the years

Came out of his eyes and ran down his cheeks,
And he thought he would sit there and blubber for weeks.

When Samantha showed up — she had not been expected —
And sat down beside him ‘cause he looked neglected.

He looked up through his tears, she said, “You look kinda bad.”
And he answered, “The truth is I feel really sad.”

When she heard those words, tears jumped straight to her eyes,
“The truth is,” she said, “I tell too many lies.

I want people to like me, so I try to act cool,
But deep down inside I feel just like a fool.”

So they sat there and cried, like a sister and brother,
And were joined by one, and then by another,

With a story to tell and feelings to free,
And they wept and they hugged ‘neath the big Christmas Tree.

Can you imagine how many tears fell,
After all of the years that no one would tell

How much they were hurting, how broken or mad,
How long they had smiled when they really felt sad.

How long does it take to clean out your heart,
To get it all out, to make a new start?

That answer’s not easy to you and to me,
But they found out that night, those folks ‘round the tree.

They cried until daybreak, till the first rays of dawn
Broke over the tree tops and spread ‘cross the lawn,

In the new morning light Bing could see ‘cross square;
He also could see the whole town was out there.

They had come through the night, first one, then another
To sit down together like sister and brother

To pour out their hearts for the first time in years,
And let out their feelings, their sadness, their tears.

Samantha stood up and then turned back to Bing,
“You started us crying, now help us to sing.”

So he started a carol, the one he knew best,
About joy to the world, and it burst from his chest.

The others joined in, not because they weren’t sad,
But because they’d admitted the feelings they had,

Everyone sang along, both the sad and the scared,
Because true friends are found when true feelings are shared.

There’s more to the story, but our time is short,
Of how life was changed I cannot now report,

But instead I must ask why this story’s forgotten;
It’s not hopeless or humdrum, it’s not ugly or rotten.

Do you think it’s because people said how they felt,
And if we tell the story then our hearts, too, might melt?

What if we spoke the truth, what if we named our fears,
What if we loosed the sadness we’ve tied up for years?

Would we ever stop crying, would the dawn ever come?
And like those in the story, once the tears had begun

Would we sit on the curb, first one, then another,
And talk about life like sister and brother.

Oh, that is exactly why I chose to tell
This lost little tale we know all too well.

Our world is no different; we’re frightened and sad,
We feel helpless and hopeless, and certainly mad,

But none of those words is the last on this Night
That we wait for the Child, that we pray for the Light,

That we sing of the good news the angels did bring,
And we wish for peace, more than any one thing.

Yes, this story that came from a Long Ago Town
Of no great importance, of no real renown,

Could be ours, if true feelings were what we would say;
And we’d find such a Christmas not so faraway.

Thanks for making the journey together.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: the things we carry

Today was my first day riding the train since I finished The Illusion of Separateness. As I was packing my book bag, I looked around for new literary accompaniment and saw my copy of The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien, which I started rereading before we left Durham (I read it two or three times as a high school English teacher) and then lost it in the move. I found it again last week. On a rainy day when the grey clouds matched the gathering storm of sadness inside me, a book about the Vietnam War was probably not the most uplifting choice, but I wanted to finish it before I started another.

The title speaks to the things the soldiers carried both physically and emotionally, both in combat and back home. The feelings are raw and honest; the stories are compelling and difficult to read. I love this book and, in many ways, it is a long way from who I am. I don’t think war has been or is a solution. Responding to violence with violence does not create peace or foster hope. And I’m not much of a fan or war as a metaphor for life. I found early on that I didn’t help myself by thinking of myself as fighting my depression. I did not want to be at war with myself, so I looked for other metaphors. War—what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. (Say it again, y’all.)

I was in junior high and high school during the Vietnam War, and for much of that time I was in Africa where I heard it described in something other than American terms. It never made sense to me. One of the first songs I learned on my guitar was the “Feel Like I’m A-Fixin’ To Die Rag” by Country Joe and the Fish. By the time I turned eighteen, during my freshman year at Baylor, the war and the draft were over but they were still doing the lottery. My birthday was number eighteen. I have often wondered what I would have done had I been drafted.

I know: what does this have to do with getting us to Bethlehem? It strikes me that Jesus was born during wartime. Maybe part of the reason it made sense for the gospel writers to link the birth to what Isaiah had written was the desperate hope for a prince of something other than conquest and oppression—a prince of peace. Who could even imagine such a thing? A couple of nights ago I wrote about the power of the particular; O’Brien speaks to the same idea, saying a true war story doesn’t speak in absolutes or ideas, but relishes in details, in what happened—or what is remembered.

Stories are for joining the past to the future.Stories are for those late hours in the night when you can’t remember how you get from where you were to where you are. Stories are for eternity, when memory is erased, when there is nothing to remember except the story. (36)

It is not an overstatement to say that most all of human history could be viewed as life during wartime. Pick most any year and someone is fighting somewhere. The same is true of our history as Americans. We have spent many more years in conflict than we have at peace. But that is not the whole story, or even the best story.

There is a lineage of love and compassion that runs all the way back to Bethlehem, even all the way back to the very first light. We can choose to see ourselves marching as to war, or we can choose to see ourselves as part of the story of redemption and hope. The cast of humanity is the same for both; we must choose how the story gets both told and remembered, what things we carry and what we leave behind. We can see the world with eyes of fear or eyes of faith and trust. This past year I was reminded of a song I love that had slipped out of my story when the Common Woman Chorus sang at our church in Durham. It seems a good place to stop tonight, here on the edge of the little town that will hold the hopes and fears of all the years . . . .

Rest, now, and listen to Susan Warner, the performer and songwriter of “May I Suggest.”

May I suggest, may I suggest to you
May I suggest this is the best part of your life
May I suggest this time is blessed for you
This time is blessed and shining almost blinding bright
Just turn your head and you’ll begin to see
The thousand reasons that were just beyond your sight
The reasons why–why I suggest to you
Why I suggest this is the best part of your life

There is a world that’s been addressed to you
Addressed to you, intended only for your eyes
A secret world like a treasure chest to you
Of private scenes and brilliant dreams that mesmerize
A lover’s trusting smile, a tiny baby’s hands
The million stars that fill the turning sky at night
Oh I suggest, oh I suggest to you
Oh I suggest this is the best part of your life

There is a hope that’s been expressed in you
The hope of seven generations, maybe more
And this is the faith that they invest in you
It’s that you’ll do one better than was done before
Inside you know, inside you understand
Inside you know what’s yours to finally set right
And I suggest and I suggest to you
And I suggest this is the best part of your life

This is a song comes from the west to you
Comes from the west, comes from the slowly setting sun
With a request, with a request of you
To see how very short the endless days will run
And when they’re gone and when the dark descends
Oh we’d give anything for one more hour of light
And I suggest this is the best part of your life

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: kindling

I wonder what the shepherds did
the year after the angels came,
or how the Magi went about
their business when they got back home.
I wonder if the innkeeper woke
in the middle of the night and
sat in the barn for no reason.

How did they keep the story fresh—
Did they go back hoping for a
return engagement of wonder,
or did they turn that one special
night into an ornament that
hung in quietly in their hearts
and lost its shine over the years?

My heart has wandered into new
fields covered by different skies;
I’m hardly settled from travel
enough to look for the manger.
Yet the days have been accomplished,
and I’m out hoping to hear angels . . .
instead I am met by these words:

Love will not wait till I’m ready;
grace doesn’t come to evict grief;
hope runs like a hound for my heart;
peace disquiets as it comforts.
I gather my sorrows like sheep,
stack up the words like wood for fire,
and strike the match of all that matters.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: the right punctuation

When I consider that the early Christians could have chosen any night to mark the one in which Jesus came into the world, I wonder why they didn’t pick this night—the longest night—to show, as John said, the light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot extinguish it. Then again, marking the birth four nights into the days growing longer has its own poetry. The truth is life carries quite a mixture of both. The most beautiful parts of any day are at sunrise and sunset (though I’ve seen many more of the latter)—when the darkness and light are intermingled, the colors and the shadows are painted together, and we are presented with an ongoing circle that makes beginnings and endings unclear, other than knowing one leads into the other and neither lasts forever.

Nighttime is its own incarnate metaphor. We use it to name what is unknown, scary, disorienting, or depressing. Light is the symbol of insight and discovery, of hope and possibility. Yet, there are shadows in the daytime and stars at night.

We make a bigger deal about the days getting longer during this time of year than we do about their beginning to shorten at the end of July. We have even taken time into our own hands and acted as though we can make the days even longer with Daylight Savings. A couple of weeks after the days began to grow shorter last summer, I got a tattoo. I started to say, my first tattoo, but I think I may be done. Who knows.

I was inspired by reading an article similar to this one about Project Semicolon who said,

A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life.

As one who lives with depression, and who went through several years when it had a strong hold on me, I was deeply moved by the hope they were working to cultivate. When I mentioned it to Ginger she was unhesitatingly supportive. On the weekend of the second anniversary of my father’s death, I went to Dogstar Tattoo in Durham and asked them to mark me for life with this powerful punctuation mark because it also said something to and for me about my grief: it, also, is not the end of the sentence.FullSizeRender

As much as I love Advent, December is usually a difficult month for me. I am not cut off from the celebration or unable to participate, but in the same way the dark and light intermingle at sunset, I have periods—minutes, hours, days—when I feel as far away from the Manger as the Magi in the desert. On other days, I like the innkeeper, have no room for the child. Ginger and I were talking today about the power of Philips Brooks’ words to “O Little Town of Bethlehem”—”the hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.” So are the dreams and failures, the loves and losses. It is not always easy to stand at that intersection because the angels are not always singing.

In these I have heard from friends about a teenager who survived a suicide attempt, some who are marking—again—the death of parents or spouses or siblings, others who are dealing with new physical limitations that limit what they can do, and then some who are coping with distance between them and those they love that they have allowed to become normal. I have friends I know who are hurting that I can get to and others I can’t. Last night, for no particular reason I could feel the weight of the dark. Ginger could see it—and even named it—but it stayed for a while nonetheless. So I baked. The kitchen remains a depression-free zone for me, for which I am grateful. However, I carried the weight to the car with me this morning, along with cookies for my coworkers. I took off my sweater when I got to work and saw the mark on my arm as I sat the bag of cookies the table. There is more to the sentence . . . .

I know it’s not as easy as that. It’s not easy at all, this life we are living. That, however, is not the last word. We are not alone; we are together; day or night, Love never lets go.

Peace;
Milton

advent journal: links in a chain

Two Sundays ago, one of the men in our church stopped me after worship and asked if I wanted IMG_0408to be on the Christmas Tree Committee. Before I committed, I asked what it involved and he said, “Meet here next Saturday morning to go cut down the tree and put it up in the front of the sanctuary.” So I did. Six or seven of us went to a local tree farm that gave us access and cut down a sixteen-foot tree, brought it back on a truck, and installed it in the front of the church. Then we had coffee and donuts together. I love this committee. I think I’ll be a lifer.

The church traditionally decorates the tree with mittens and gloves and hats and scarves that are then taken to shelters and places where people who need them can find them. This morning we had some an additional adornment: a large paper link chain made by our children. Our children’s minister explained that every kid had been given the opportunity to write specific one thing they were going to do in the coming year to show God’s love to other people. Then they made the individual strips into the ornament chain that graced our tree.

Our church has two pastors, Ginger and Sarah, who alternate preaching responsibilities. Today Sarah preached from Luke 1 and the surrounding John’s birth. The more she spoke about Elizabeth and Zechariah, the more I was moved by the particularity of the story. I love the poetry of John’s first chapter—“In the beginning was the Word . . .—but the story doesn’t really get going until there are names and faces. Sarah spent some time talking about names and their meanings. She mentioned that John is the second most popular boys name, and it means gracious. Then she said, “Would it be nice if being gracious were ordinary?”

She then spent some time with the questions in Luke’s account. Zechariah asked, “What will this child become?” When Mary got word that she, an unmarried teenager, was pregnant, she asked, “How can this be?” Then Sarah added, “God’s ways are rough in this world.” The real story behind our pageants and Christmas card scenes was not easy on the participants. It is no exaggeration to say it cost them their lives. The Incarnation is more than a theological idea. It is real people encountering God in their particular lives and leaving themselves open to the reckless raging fury that we call the Love of God.

Neither Mary nor Zechariah got answers to their questions, yet somehow they both end up singing because they found Love in their particular situations. They were willing to live with love rather than answers. Then Sarah asked another question: “What lessons have you had to learn or unlearn or relearn along the way?” The one that came to mind this morning is the one I relearn most every year during Advent: as we tell the story of Love’s arrival at one particular point in one particular time, I called to remember that is the only way love comes—with hands and feet, with words and deeds. In the flesh.

In the opening song of Jesus Christ Superstar, Judas asks,

why’d you pick such a backward time
and such a strange land?

Why Elizabeth and Mary? Of all the people in the world, why these two cousins? Why Zechariah, or Mary Magdelene, or Peter? Why Judas, for that matter? Then I think of the people in my life who made love real to me and I wonder why they were at that particular place at that particular moment? Could life really be that infused with grace that the people who showed up were the ones I most needed? I don’t mean to sound as though things were engineered, or that they were somehow mysteriously led into my life. I think in those moments those people had the grace to respond to the need in front of them, and that our lives are filled with moments where either incarnate love in the particular or we don’t.

Most all of the significant relationships in my life began as incidental contact. We didn’t know where it was going, but we gave ourselves room to ask, what could this become? In similar ways, I have some important relationships that lie dormant because somehow we quit asking that question for one reason or another. Love lives in the particular, in the possibility or what might grow, of what might become of an encounter.

Zechariah could have demanded answers. Mary could have told Gabriel to pick someone else. In their own ways, I suppose, they wrote their replies and made their links in the chain. Who knows how things might have rolled out had they not chosen to say yes to Love. In the moments tomorrow, when we are called to add another link to the chain, may we continue to decorate our world in all the colors of Love.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: we . . .

He did what they told him to do. He would have done anything they told him to do. He hid inside the pronoun we. (The Illusion of Separateness 189)

Life is a team sport. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve uttered that sentence I’d have enough to take us all to dinner. Being together is a fundamental human value: we were made to live in community. Yet tonight I find myself looking again at my metaphor. Part of the reason is the quote from the amazing novel I finished today on my lunch hour. That last sentence has haunted me for the rest of the day.

He hid inside the pronoun we.

The problem with a sports metaphor is it holds in implicit competition: the we is defined by a them. We join together to win, to defeat, to crush. The verbs only escalate. Yes, there is something wonderful about winning together, even as a fan. When the Red Sox came back from a three-games-to-none deficit to defeat the Yankees and go on to win their first World Series in eighty-six years, it felt great to be together. I also remember in those days there was a local entrepreneur who created a clothing line of “Yankee Hater” hats and t-shirts. The logo laid the Y and the H over one another in a way that mocked the New York logo. They sold well briefly and then died out. We wanted to be drawn together by more than hatred or dislike. We weren’t Yankee Haters as much as we were Sox Lovers—those who were deeply connected by our failures and disappointments and near misses, and then by the almost improbable taste of victory. I remember how the cemeteries in Massachusetts filled up with Red Sox paraphernalia. The tombstones of parents and grandparents who had died before the Curse of the Bambino was broken were decorated with pennants and hats. We was a good thing because it was about the team we loved.

All the shouting about the data breach and Bernie Saunders over the last couple of days, and the subsequent infighting within the Democratic Party alongside of the divisive and, well, toxic proclamation from Trump and others in the midst of the street fight that is the race for the Republican nomination leads me back to the quote that began this post. Choosing teams in our current cultural climate leans toward the dangerous side of we, because that we is being defined by them: the enemy, the danger, Those of Whom We Should Be Afraid. And the sport is winner take all.

A disclaimer here: I have not watched any of the presidential debates and I don’t intend to do so between now and next November because I don’t think they offer anything other than the political equivalent of roller derby or professional wrestling. (Apologies to both of those sports.) I’m sure at some level most of the candidates have ideas they want to communicate beyond inciting a mob mentality against any number of designated enemies, but the debates are about winning a fake fight. There is nothing there to help build consensus or true community.

When the decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed, it seems as though the cultural climate shared similar weather to life in our time. Palestine was occupied, Pilate had all the backbone of a member of Congress, and the poor were taking it in the teeth so that the economy could feed the rich. Through most of Jesus’s earthly ministry he kept having to deal with questions—from both his friends and his enemies—that pointed to Them as a way of defining who We would be. Why do you eat with Them? Why do you listen to Them? Why are you seen with Them? Shouldn’t We do something about Them? Jesus’s response erased the lines. He ate dinner with the rich, the arrogant, the pious, the poor, the outcast, and the faithful. And then he told a story about a great banquet where the instructions were simply to fill the room with whomever would come.

For all my love of food, I keep talking about a team and the metaphor is right in front of me: Life and Faith are meals together where everyone is fed.

Last Sunday on my way out of church, one of our members said to me, “Would you like to meet IMG_0432Jacques Pépin?” My answer was a quick yes. Jacques Pépin is one of the great chefs of our time. Turns out he lives in Madison—the next town up from Guilford—and he was signing his new book this morning—the day after his eightieth birthday—at an amazing local bookstore, R. J. Julia Booksellers. Our church members picked Ginger and me up before I had to go into work and I stood in line to have him sign my copy of his memoir. Ginger snapped a picture. On the title page he wrote, “To Milton, Cook with Love. Jacques Pépin.”

Indeed. Life is a dinner party. Life is a team sport. Whether baseball or breakfast, life is wasted if it is not fueled by love. To be driven by conquest or fear or hatred or even righteous indignation turns life into little more than some sort of cosmic demolition derby where no one is left standing and everyone is damaged. We is not a place to hide or a bunker from which to lob bombs on Them. We is not a place to justify our sense of superiority or fortify our privilege. We is not a place to protect what’s ours or make sure things go our way at all cost. We is a banquet table with an open invitation. We is a ball park on the best summer afternoon you can imagine. Sit here at the table. Sit here in the bleachers. Bring whomever you can find.

And turn off the television.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: redolence

redolence

we drove south of the city,
and straight into a sunset
that had no sense of time

we were going nowhere together,
following our noses, as the saying
goes, breathing in the evening

reading in a bakery,I discovered
“the fragrance of our lives in the world” . . .
from someone else’s words rose

a reminder that the incense of
existence rises from small stories
and everyday memories

and slips under the doors of our
hearts like the smell of fresh bread,
a bouquet of belonging.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: in other decembers

“The shadows are deepening all around us. Now is the time when we must begin to see our world and ourselves in a different way.” (Madeleine L’Engle, A Circle of Quiet 246)

in other decembers

It has done nothing today but rain.
In other Decembers, there would be
snow to go along with the carols.
Instead, the clouds are weeping and
we’re caught under a sorrowing sky;
the sun has been setting since dawn.

Some of these shadows are as familiar . . .
In other Decembers, there would be
fewer absences of heart, less empty seats.
So I’ve come in from the rain, lighted
the candles of memory and melody,
pulled up a quilt of what might have been.

Out beyond the weather of my heart
there are storm fronts that demand
attention, people waiting to be found
or remembered—some are waiting for me
to see more than shadows, to reach out
in the darkness, to snuff out my fears.

In other Decembers, I will not be here,
nor you. Someone else will have to sing
back to the night, build the bonfires of
hope, tell the stories that name us.
Not yet. Though grief is a primary color,
grey is not the only shade of life.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: what words can do

In the last few minutes before we had to leave the house in order for me to catch the 8:32 train to New Haven, I realized I needed a new book to accompany me on the journey over the next few days. I perused the bookshelf and pulled out a novel suggested to me by my friend Claudia in Durham. The book is called The Illusion of Separateness. I remember reading the first couple or chapters, but I could not recall what happened or what I read and its been a while since I read a novel, so I thought it would be worth taking along for the ride.

The epigraph is a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh: “We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness.”

So far, nothing has happened in the book. Each chapter’s title offers a name, a place, and a date: Martin, Los Angeles, 2010; Mr. Hugo, Manchester, England, 1981; Sébastien, Saint-Pierre, France, 1968; John, Coney Island, New York, 1942. Each chapter offers a vignette, a picture of a certain time in the person’s life, with little attempt to connect it to what has gone before and what comes after. And the language is stunningly beautiful. I have to share a couple of examples.

Martin decided not to go back to college, so his father revealed the mysteries of flour, water, heat, and time. (8)

He realized this early on, and realized too that what people think are their lives are merely its conditions. (12)

She was from Nigeria and spoke English gently, words handed, not thrown. (26)

But Sébastien is not looking through the window, but through the scrapbook of things that have pierced his heart. (48)

Then a moment before the snap of the shutter—a gust of wind lifted John’s hat. Harriet screamed and couldn’t stop laughing. Behind her, people on the Ferris wheel and the roller coasters were screaming too. You could hear them up and down the boardwalk, lost forever in that last great afternoon of their lives. (57)

Rain says everything we cannot say to one another. It is an ancient should that willed all life into being, but fell so long upon nothing. (62)

I know I am offering a lot of quotes, but each one of those—and several others—stopped me in my tracks on the train, if you will; I was awed by the power of the author’s intentional expression. I have to give you one more—my favorite.

But for a moment the old man doesn’t realize he is dead. He can feel Martin’s heart and mistakes it for his own. (20)

I read fiction most consistently in my life when I was teaching English at Charlestown High School in Boston, and then at Winchester High School, a little farther north. Alongside of multiple readings of Of Mice and Men, The Scarlet Letter, Frankenstein, and The Great Gatsby, I read for myself as well. In those days, I also imagined I had my own great American novel to offer and that quest helped me learn how to write as well. I love the moment when a writer takes my breath away with his or her choice of words. I never tire of reading as Gatsby realized the green light across the water is Daisy’s house and the narrator says:

His count of enchanted objects had diminished by one.

The sentence offers room for resonance, space to stop and understand, rather than simply saying, “When he figured out the light was at Daisy’s house, he kind of lost interest.”

While I’m geeking out on quotes here, I do actually have a point. I’ve been thinking this evening about the lines from scripture and from carols that help me get to the manger. Some are sentences, some whole stanzas. Here is are a couple of examples.

and ye beneath life’s crushing load
whose forms are bending low
who toil along the climbing way
with painful step and slow
look now for glad and golden hours
come swiftly on the wing
oh rest beside the weary road
and hear the angels sing

the hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. (Luke 2:6)

Though I rarely bust out my King James Version, the poetry of Luke’s description of the birth of Jesus comes alive in ways that more contemporary translations do not, for me. The verbs in the last half of this verse are where it all happens—and they are both passive tense: the days were accomplished, and she should be delivered.

I know the language is four hundred years old. I know the words, as I understand them, don’t mean exactly the same thing as they did in those days. And that the days accomplished what they needed to do to deliver Mary to that moment in the manger is just too good. Two millennia later, we can’t read the story without some sense of its cosmic significance, yet this is a small story, like Martin holding the dead man so close that he mistook Martin’s heartbeat for his own. The shepherds represented no one other than themselves. The Magi were not a huge diplomatic contingent. We’re talking a handful of people in a hayloft, marveling at a manger.

My job at the computer store these days is to help people get their phones and tablets back in working order. Today, I helped a woman who is a visiting hospice nurse get her phone back in working order. When it came back on, she teared up because her families, as she called them, could get in touch with her. Another didn’t know a password because it had been her husband tablet and he had died. Tonight at church we had a “Service of Reflection and Hope” as a way to make room for the grief and sorrow—both personal and global—that we carry through the holidays. People had a chance to come up and light a candle, or write a name on a place card and put it on the Communion table, or be anointed with oil as a sign of healing, awakening us from the illusion of separateness and reminding us of the reality of our connectedness.

How silently, how silently, that wondrous gift was given.

Peace
Milton