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lenten journal: imagination

When I wrote yesterday’s post on being right, I had not yet purchased, much less begun to read, Marilynne Robinson’s collection of essays, When I Was a Child I Read Books, but I got to work early and the Yale Bookstore is next door . . . . I sat down this morning and read her preface, which is a beautiful and articulate piece about the nature of public life in our time, bouncing off of Walt Whitman’s understanding of public life in his time after the Civil War. Robinson writes:

But the language of public life has lost the character of generosity, and the largeness of spirit that a has created and supported the best of institutions and brought reform to the worst of them has been erased out of political memory . . . .

What if the cynicism that is supposed to be rigor and the acquisitiveness that is supposed to be realism are making us forget the origins of the greatness we lay claim to—power and wealth as secondary consequences of the progress of freedom, or, as Whitman would prefer, Democracy? (xiv, xv)

Her words do two things for me. First, they resonate deeply. I grieve the loss of a gentler public discourse, of honest collaboration across party lines and differing ideals. Second, the call me to confess my cynicism about our government and our political process. I have not watched any of the political debates because I think they have nothing to offer in return for my time spent. I have felt relatively hopeless about the upcoming election because I don’t see a functioning, responsible, and (dare I say it) inspirational government emerging from it. I find myself feeling the best I can do is vote against something, rather than for something, even though I know I have sold both myself and my country short in taking that perspective. Still, these days I have low expectations and I still assume I will be disappointed.

Since Robinson’s book is a collection of essays, I did not feel compelled to read them in order and flipped to one entitled “Imagination and Community,” hoping for a good word, and I found these words:

When people make such remarks [such as mine, above], such appalling judgments, they never include themselves, dear friends, those with whom they agree. They have drawn, as they say, a bright line between an”us” and a “them.” Those on the other side of the line are assumed to be unworthy of respect or hearing, and are in fact to be regarded as a huge problem to the “us” who presume to judge the “them.” This tedious pattern has repeated itself endlessly through hunan history and is, as I have said, the end of community and the beginning of tribalism . . . .

It is simply not possible to act in good faith toward people one does not respect, or to entertain hopes for them that are appropriate to their gifts. As we withdraw from one another, we withdraw from the world, expect as we increasingly insist that foreign groups and populations are our irreconcilable enemies. The shrinking of imaginative identification which allows such things as shared humanity to be forgotten always begins at home . (30-31)

Sunday after worship Ginger had a question and answer time with whomever wanted to come just so they could get to know her better, since we’ve only been here a little over three months. As she talked about her hopes for our church, she talked about the variety of theological perspectives in our congregation, which is true of most UCC churches. Then she said, “I get the feeling many of us don’t know each other well. What if we took the time and the risk to ask questions, to make ourselves vulnerable, and really get to know each other?”

Ginger’s question is a call to imagination: I will imagine there is more to you than I know. Such imagination will help to create the kind of community Robinson is talking about. When was the last time we sat down with someone who is not of like mind on whatever the issue and asked them to talk about it so we could listen, rather than correct them or assume we already know what they are going to say? When was the last time we took a risk to “speak what we feel and not what we ought to say” (to quote the closing words of King Lear), instead of holding our cards close to our vest because we can’t imagine our words will be welcome? How do we create a community where we can freely share the hopes and dreams of all the years?

Robinson says,

I would say, for the moment, that community, at least community larger than the immediate family, consists very largely of imaginative love for people we do not know or whom we know very slightly. (21)

During our time in Durham we had a chance to be a part of Moral Monday Movement, which sparked my political imagination more than anything else in my recent memory. The movement is particular to North Carolina and a very personal attempt to build a more inclusive and compassionate community within the state. Its very particular nature is what gives it wider appeal and application. Other states have begun similar gatherings and protests. The spirit of the movement is fed by the nonviolent actions and protests of the Civil Rights Movement and seeks to create a conversation that finds its substance in the common good and making sure we are taking care of all of us. No Them; just Us.
Robinson closes her essay with these words:

It is very much in the gift of the community to enrich individual lives, and it is in the gift of any individual to enlarge and enrich community. The great truth that is too often forgotten is that it is in the nature of people to do good to one another. (33)

There’s no way, of course, I could write about imagination without John Lennon singing in my ear: “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”

I need to put that last phrase on repeat: I’m not the only one.

And I trust neither are you.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: right

One of the items on my bucket list is to attend a TED (Technology Education Design) Conference. By now, I imagine most of you are acquainted with TED talks and the variety of subjects they cover. I find them inspirational and challenging. TED 2016 begins today. I wish I were there.

In the days we were with my mother in hospice, my brother and I had a lot of time to talk and which TED talks were our favorites was one of the on going discussions. Miller mentioned one I had not seen by a woman named Kathryn Schulz titled “On Being Wrong.” Early in the talk she asked people what it felt like to be wrong. When they answered they felt embarrassed or humiliated, she reminded them they were describing what it felt like to find out your wrong. For the most part, we don’t think we’re wrong and when we encounter those who disagree with us—whom we think are wrong—we explain their stance in one of three ways:

The Ignorance Assumption—they just don’t know
The Idiocy Assumption—they have all the information, but they can’t figure it out.
The Evil Assumption—they are deliberately distorting the truth for their malevolent purposes.

Schulz continues:

This misses the whole point of being human. We want everyone else to see life our way. The miracle of your mind isn’t that you can see the world as it is, but that you can see the world as it isn’t. We can imagine what it’s like to be some other person in some other place.

Her statements connected with a book my brother and I are reading together called The Meaning of Jesus: Two Visions by Marcus Borg and N. T. Wright. If you are familiar with current theology, you will recognize the two names as learning progressive and conservative theologians, respectively. (Borg died about a year ago, but his scholarship lives on.) Contrary to the consistent pattern of our culture of listening mostly to those who agree with us, the two men struck up a friendship and wrote alongside each other, rather than against. In their introduction, they say they hoped to speak to three categories of “interested readers”:

First, we hope that those who would not call themselves Christians will find the conversation interesting and refreshing . . . .
Second, we hope to shift the log jammed debates into more fruitful possibilities . . . .
Third, we hope to open up more specifically the perennially important question of how different visions of Jesus relate to different visions of the Christian life.

Then they said,

It might be that one of us is closer to the truth in some areas, and the other in others; and that by our dialogue we may see more clearly things that the other has grasped more accurately. We are both prepared for that eventuality. (ix, x)

The third strand to this braid of thought came from reading Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s tribute to her fellow Supreme Court Justice and friend, Antonin Scalia. They were poles apart philosophically and yet, as she put it, “best buddies.”

Toward the end of the opera Scalia/Ginsburg, tenor Scalia and soprano Ginsburg sing a duet: ‘We are different, we are one,’ different in our interpretation of written texts, one in our reverence for the Constitution and the institution we serve. From our years together at the D.C. Circuit, we were best buddies. We disagreed now and then, but when I wrote for the Court and received a Scalia dissent, the opinion ultimately released was notably better than my initial circulation. Justice Scalia nailed all the weak spots—the ‘applesauce’ and ‘argle bargle’—and gave me just what I needed to strengthen the majority opinion. He was a jurist of captivating brilliance and wit, with a rare talent to make even the most sober judge laugh. The press referred to his ‘energetic fervor,’ ‘astringent intellect,’ ‘peppery prose,’ ‘acumen,’ and ‘affability,’ all apt descriptions. He was eminently quotable, his pungent opinions so clearly stated that his words never slipped from the reader’s grasp.

Justice Scalia once described as the peak of his days on the bench an evening at the Opera Ball when he joined two Washington National Opera tenors at the piano for a medley of songs. He called it the famous Three Tenors performance. He was, indeed, a magnificent performer. It was my great good fortune to have known him as working colleague and treasured friend.

At the end of her talk, Schulz said to rediscover wonder in our lives we need to step outside of “that tiny terrified space of rightness” and look around and look out. What I see as I look at Borg and Wright, as well as Ginsberg and Scalia, is honest relationships—real friendships—dispel fear. Ginsberg saw her friend’s powerful dissents as refiner’s fire; neither Wright nor Borg feel the need to defend their position at the expense of the other. We learn to live with being both right and wrong in the context of relationships because that is where we best come to the realization that being right is not the primary value. Nothing changes when we spend most of our energy screaming, “You’re wrong” at someone else. All you have to do is watch anything having to do with Congress to see that. No one appears to be listening. No one thinks he or she is wrong. They appear to be scared to death not only that they might not get their way but also that the other side might have a point. As a result, we have a broken and ineffective government.

My point is not to make a political commentary as much as to say I am reminded in these days—again—that the world will be changed by not by those who force their rightness on others but by those who know how to listen to one another. As I have said before, never trust a zealot with a clear conscience. As I have quoted Ginger before, let us be ones who choose relationships over doctrine. Being right is not the most important thing.

Do justice, love kindness, walk humbly . . . .

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: cold

We all came down the stairs this morning comparing the temperature readings on the weather apps on our phones: -1, -4, and -6 degrees, depending on the app. Though the numbers varied, the conclusions were the same: it was cold. Really cold. We ate breakfast and bundled up for the fifty foot walk from the front door of the parsonage to the side door of the church, the closest one to us. We all made it safely. Even for lifelong New Englanders the temperature was a topic of discussion this morning. It was obvious that some had chosen to stay home, but by and large people got themselves out of the house and into the cold to warm our hearts together.

After church, Ginger and I bundled up and walked across the Green to Centro Pizza, an Italian restaurant where we have been frequently enough to be recognized. Even without much wind, we could feel the cold all the way to the bone by the time we walked back home after brunch. I built a fire and Ginger built a palette of blankets where she and the pups settled in for a Sunday afternoon snooze while I postponed my nap to go run my usual Sunday afternoon errands. As I walked back out into the glorious contradiction of a crystal blue sky and the frigid temperatures, I missed my parents once again because talking about the severity of our weather was one of their favorite pastimes. The wish that I could call them unearthed a memory of a story my father used to tell about one of his heroes, Sadhu Sundar Singh, an Indian mystic. Thanks to the wonders of the world wide web, I found the account my father used to reference in Singh’s own words:

The great gift of service is that it also helps the one who serves. Once when traveling in Tibet, I was crossing a high mountain pass with my Tibetan guide. The weather had suddenly turned bitterly cold, and my companion and I feared that we might not make it to the next village—still several miles away—before succumbing to the frost.

Suddenly, we stumbled upon a man who had slipped from the path and was lying in the snow. Looking more closely, I discovered that the man was still alive, though barely. “Come,” I said to my companion, ‘help me try to bring this unfortunate man to safety.” But my companion was upset and frightened for his life. He answered: ‘”If we try to carry that man, none of us will ever reach the village. We will all freeze. Our only hope is to go on as quickly as possible, and that is what I intend to do. You will come with me if you value your life.” Without another word and without looking back, he set off down the path.

I could not bring myself to abandon the helpless traveler while life remained in him, so I lifted him on my back and threw my blanket around us both as best I could. Slowly and painstakingly, I picked my way along the steep, slippery path with my heavy load. Soon it began to snow, and I could make out the way forward only with great difficulty.

How we made it, I do not know. But just as daylight was beginning to fade, the snow cleared and I could see houses a few hundred yards ahead. Near me, on the ground, I saw the frozen body of my guide. Nearly within shouting distance of the village, he had succumbed to the cold and died, while the unfortunate traveler and I made it to safety. The exertion of carrying him and the contact of our bodies had created enough heat to save us both. This is the way of service. No one can live without the help of others, and in helping others, we receive help ourselves.

Though we are just days away from pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training, that it is the middle of February means our winter is far from over. As Phil Connors says in Groundhog Day, “You want a prediction? I’ll give you a winter prediction: it’s gonna be cold and it’s gonna be grey and it’s gonna last the rest of your life.” Even in the dead of summer there are days when his forecast feels true. What Singh discovered as he carried the stranger through the mountain pass is what came back to me—again—today: the only sustaining warmth I know is found in those whom I love and who love me.

The more I think about the story in the snow, however, the more I think about all the characters. In a way, Singh’s realization that he and the man he carried had warmed each other is both profound and obvious. When I read the parables of Jesus, I often approach them in the same way I was taught to think about a dream: put myself in the place of each character. Singh explains his role well, and when I think of the stranger whom they stumbled upon I can only imagine his surprise and gratitude. When I put myself in the guide’s place—the one who went on because he chose to take care of himself at the expense of the man in the road, I wonder about the story that isn’t told. I wonder if the man realized he was within shouting distance of safety and didn’t have the strength to shout, or if he gave in to the cold without knowing he was so close to home. Either way, he incarnates a lesson that comes around again and again: I cannot stand against the cold on my own. I need to be carried; I need to do the carrying. As U2 sings, we’ve got to carry each other.

It’s cold out there. Look for me on the road, and I’ll look for you.

Peace
Milton

lenten journal: ending

My mode of travel for my commute to the computer store in New Haven depends on my vacillating schedule. If I go in early and come home early, I can take the train, which is a twenty minute ride along the shoreline of the Long Island Sound and then a walk of a little less than a mile across the New Haven Green and through the Yale campus. If I stay later than the train runs with any frequency or it’s a Saturday, I drive in, as I did today. Somewhere on South I-95 I saw a truck a few hundred yards ahead in my lane.

theend

From my car, all I could see were the two words in largest print: THE END, and I thought to myself, “If that is the end, then am I what comes after it?” Besides the fact that The End was moving down the highway, it was leaving a trail of life behind it.

I parked in the lot assigned to us and walked only five or six minutes through the frigid morning air to get to the store. Thanks to my father, I am perpetually early, so I had time to sit and read for a bit before work began, turning to the next essay in Donald Hall’s book, which was titled “One Road.” In the final paragraph he made this statement:

But there are no happy endings, because if things are happy they have no endings. (37)

Needless to say, I have thought a great deal about endings over the past few months thanks to our leaving Durham to move to Connecticut and my mother’s death. Both had an extended quality to them that was both beautiful and difficult. We knew in July we were moving north, but we didn’t leave until the first of November, which meant we had time to say goodbye, to see people we wanted and needed to see, to bake a bunch of cookies, and to cram in as many dinners as we could. People sent us off wonderfully. The church threw a wonderful farewell and then, the night before we were to drive out of town a bunch of friends threw a party for me that is an indelible memory.

The plan was to get up the next morning and pack what was left into our Jeep Liberty and head out. We had had time to pack. It had been my job for over a week. Friends began to call to see if we needed help, and Ginger told them to come over. When we got to the kitchen I realized I had packed none of it. Food was still in the fridge and freezer, all the cabinets were full of pretty much everything. I had just blocked it out. That room was emblematic of my life in Durham; I had no idea how to end it. People packed furiously, divided up what could be eaten and used, we ended up getting a U-Haul trailer to hold the rest of our stuff, and we finally pulled out hours later than we had imagined, leaving our friends standing on our front porch.

My mother was in hospice for thirteen days; she was aware and lucid for eleven of them, welcoming friends and carrying on conversations. The last two days she mostly slept and did not see visitors. She died on a Friday afternoon about five o’clock. My brother, Miller, his wife, Ginger, and I were in the room. We had been singing hymns, as we had done most afternoons. As I remember it, my brother and I sat down on either side of the bed, which, I realized, was the first time the two of us had done that while my mother was in hospice. We each took one of her hands. My sister-in-law was at the foot of the bed. My brother said, “Mom, I love you,” and I said the same thing. Then he looked across the bed at me and said, “And I love you, too.”

“I love you,” I replied, and then looked at Ginger and said, “and I love you, too.” And my mother stopped breathing. We could feel her leave the room.

“I think she’s gone,” Miller said, and we called for the nurse.

If I were writing a closing scene for a movie, I couldn’t have scripted a more meaningful moment. Though it was a beautiful conclusion to her time in hospice, it was not different from our leaving Durham in this sense: there was a trail of life behind it. Feelings. Details. Consequences. Beginnings.

We were all born in the middle of the story and we will all exit before the story is finished. In between are millions upon millions of curtain calls that make up the scope of human history, played on stages big and small, and none of them has the luxury of being the last word. Not being in Durham not only means starting a new chapter in Guilford, but also finding new ways to express the stories that continue through the friendships that tether me across the miles. That I now know what it feels like as a motherless (and fatherless) child a long way from home is the opening paragraph of a story I am struggling to comprehend. The transition is more complex than saying every ending is a beginning, however true that statement may be. The trail of life that follows every ending is a weave of pain and possibility, of hope and loss, of love and dreams.

I don’t have a tight finish to my post tonight other than to say, I saw The End today and kept going.

Peace
Milton

lenten journal: rewrite

Pick up any good book on writing and somewhere early in the description of the process the author will say you can’t write well if you are not reading good stuff. One article I read recently even quantified it: read a thousand pages for every one you write. I’m not sure I can live up to that ratio, but I do know that part of making time for the discipline of writing everyday durning Lent is also making room to read everyday—to feed myself, and to remind myself whatever perspective I have comes from standing on the shoulders of others who have written before me.

One of the books that found me the other day is Donald Hall’s prose collection, Essays After Eighty. Hall is a former U. S. Poet Laureate and a lifelong Red Sox fan. What’s not to love? He was also married to Jane Kenyon, who was also a poet and who died of cancer some years ago. Hall writes with a hope informed by grief and disappointment. In the essay that offers the title for the book, he says:

The greatest pleasure in writing is rewriting. My early drafts are always wretched. At first a general verb like “move” is qualified by the adverb “quickly.” After sixty times I come up with a particular, possibly witty verb and drop the adverb. Originally I wrote “poetry suddenly left me,” which after twelve drafts became “poetry abandoned me”—with another sentence to avoid self-pity. When my doctor told me I had diabetes, I was incredulous. I said, “You mean I am pre-diabetic.” Writing in this book, I changed a verb to mock my silly presumption. “‘You mean I am pre-diabetic,’ I explained.” (13)

Hall’s own account of his process describes the time it took to find the right word, and it brought to mind Blaise Pascal’s apology to his superiors: “I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” It also brought one of my favorite songs to the surface—Paul Simon’s “Rewrite,” which begins,

I’m working on my rewrite, that’s right
gonna change the ending
throw away the title
toss it in the trash
every minute after midnight
all the time I’m spending
is just for working on my rewrite
gonna turn it into cash

I been working at the car wash
I consider it my day job
’cause it’s really not a pay job
but that’s where I am
everybody says “The old guy
working at the car wash?”
hasn’t got a brain cell left since Vietnam

In a few lines Simon paints a visceral picture of a guy coming to terms with his life and still dreaming, though it seems hope is running thin. What makes it a favorite song for me is the chorus:

but I say help me, help me
help me, help me thank you
I’d no idea that you were there
when I said help me, help me
help me, help me thank you
for listening to my prayer

The offerings of these three wise men brought me to an epiphany, if you will. The best we can do with our rewriting skills is to invest in one another’s stories. I don’t mean the point of life is to correct one another; I mean help each other write the life stories we have dreamed of. Listen to the next verse of Simon’s song.

I’ll eliminate the pages
where the father has a breakdown
and he has to leave the family
but he really meant no harm
gonna substitute a car chase
and a race across the rooftops
where the father saves the children
and he holds them in his arms

In most all of our stories, there are points where we are not capable of seeing beyond the story we are writing, even when it is taking a direction we don’t particularly want. Yes, we make choices and we live with consequences, and we also face circumstances beyond ourselves that can leave deep wounds and scars. Like the character in the song, we sing, “Help me, help me, help me,” and we are given the chance to write a different ending when someone answers our call. Love is a powerful editor, the kind that allows the dad in the song to move from being the one who runs away to the one who holds his kids close. Love comes with words like forgiveness, grace, hope, belonging, and enough, offering us the chance to say, “Thank you.”

I’ve been working on my rewrite . . . .

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: number

“Teach us to number our days so that we can have a wise heart.” Psalm 90:12 (CEB)

I can’t read that verse without hearing the piano introduction to “Seasons of Love” from the musical RENT, followed by the voices:

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure, measure a year?
in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in the life?

I have always heard the Psalmist’s words explained as a call to grasp the brevity of life and understand that the life we live is of incredible significance. Play like you have no discards. We can stay up all night watching Dead Poets’ Society once again and promise ourselves to seize the day, yet in the midst of the midnights and cups of coffee the days roll by. As one of the characters says in Paul Bowles’ The Sheltering Sky,

Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don’t know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It’s that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don’t know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that’s so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.

Teach us to number our days . . . .

Our understanding of what things mean changes when we come to terms with the endings. I hadn’t watched David Letterman with any regularity for years until I knew he was retiring and then I didn’t miss a show for the last few weeks, and remembered again how he shaped the way I looked at humor and life back in earlier years. Our Thursday Night Dinners in Durham took on a different meaning once we announced we were moving to Connecticut. We have had a couple of dinners here in Guilford as well over the last couple of weeks. They are not the same, yet they are informed by all the evenings spent on Trinity Avenue with friends who remain deeply embedded in my heart despite the distance.

Teach us to number our days . . . .

W. S. Merwin, one of my favorite poets, offers another angle from which to think about it in “On the Anniversary of My Death.”

Every year without knowing it I have passed the day
When the last fires will wave to me
And the silence will set out
Tireless traveler
Like the beam of a lightless star

Then I will no longer
Find myself in life as in a strange garment
Surprised at the earth
And the love of one woman
And the shamelessness of men
As today writing after three days of rain
Hearing the wren sing and the falling cease
And bowing not knowing to what

I’m four days away from marking a month since my mother died and aware in fresh ways of how much of life I think about in terms such as how many days since, how many days before, how many days until, or how many days between. The longer I live, the more life seems to move from grief to grief, which numbers the days in sacred ways. I’ve stacked the stones of memory on certain days so I can tell the stories again and remember. My father died on August 3, and now the third of any month is an altar in my heart. I mark every Opening Day of baseball season remembering my friend David Gentiles who shared my love of green diamonds and hopeless causes. in four days, the fifteenth of the month will become a new marker in my life as I remember my mother. The significance of my life is deepened as I number and name the growing cloud of witnesses who are no longer here; it is also deepened as I number and name those with whom I still walk the planet. There’s no reason to wait till their funeral to say what I need to say.

Teach us to number our days . . . .

Even as the Psalmist calls us to grasp the brevity and significance of this life we have, it seems most of the numbering happens in hindsight. We see what the days mean as we reflect on and remember them. Only after someone has died do we attach significance to the last time we saw them. Only after we have moved away do we understand the deep ritual that fed us in what was once our daily routine. Sometimes what happens in a moment renumbers the days that have come before and we see them in a new way. In losing our mother, my brother and I found each other in new ways that are feeding us both, for which I am deeply grateful.

Teach us to number our days . . . .

The Psalmist calls us to value our time—the one thing we can’t collect. Certainly part of the call is to do justice and love kindness and walk humbly with God, to dream of an act on ways we can change our world, yet there is a paradox at play in the way a dinner with friends and family that is about nothing more than being together can brush up against eternity. Rather than a question—what makes life significant?—let us make a statement: life is significant. So let us number the two times we went to see Springsteen together, or the forty-seven times we met for coffee, the three weeks you let me stay at your house while my mother was dying, or the one night we all got to take the stage at the Starlight Lounge and play and sing like we did in high school, and eight or ten times we had dinner on the porch.

We number our days, the Psalmist says, so that we can have a wise heart. Yes. That’s a heart that knows how to measure a life in love.

Peace,
Milton

 

 

ash wednesday: word

One morning as I sat with my mother in hospice I received a text from Sarah, who pastors alongside of Ginger here in Guilford, asking a question: “What is your word or song for today?” That first day I answered only with a song: “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.” The next day the words was wait. She was faithful to follow up almost everyday I was in Texas, on through the funeral and the days of packing up my mother’s apartment, and I found great comfort in her question in ways I had not imagined as I searched for expressions of my grief in both words and music.

The dictionary defines a word as “a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written representation, that functions as a principal carrier of meaning.” John begins his gospel with the wonderful proclamation that “the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” There is a sense in which our lives call for the flesh to become word that we might express our love, our loss, our grief, and our gratitude. We use our words to name the things that matter to us, to build bridges to one another, to create the ties that bind, and to tear them apart as well.

For close to twenty years now I have kept a lenten practice of writing everyday. It began as a daily letter to one friend. With the advent of email, I began to write to a list of folks. For the last ten years it has been a part of this blog. Last year I asked for words to use as writing prompts, if you will, to give me a sort of resource pool from which to draw over the course of forty days and labeled it a Lenten Lexicon. Sarah’s question brought me back to the idea again this year because my search for a daily word has stayed with me even though I have not kept up my texts to her. I have continued to look for a principal carrier of meaning for my day, which often means I have looked for a moment or experience or conversation that is emblematic of the whole thing—an enduring memory.

I don’t mean to say that every day has held some magic happening or movie moment. Often, my search is for a description of the ordinary and, though I plan to search for a different word each day during Lent, I find the daily words I might choose often repeat themselves if I am not wiling to dig deeper. In these days, for instance, it is far too easy to choose sadness over and over again. What I have begun to learn in new ways is how essential the word choose is in that last sentence. Yes, these are days filled with sadness and I can choose a different word, not as a means of plastering over the grief or acting as if it is not there, but as an accompaniment, a harmony, an alternate focus. I can choose to look beyond myself, to ask someone else for a word I cannot find, much the same way I might borrow a cup of flour or an egg from a neighbor to finish a recipe I started without making sure I had everything I needed. Some days I need someone else to offer the principal carrier of meaning because I am carrying all I can. And I am not alone. This orphan road is new for me, but it is not new. The paths I am discovering are already well worn.

Ash Wednesday is a day to remember I don’t have everything I need. I am not self-sufficient, or self-sustaining, or self-reliant. I am far from my best when I am self-absorbed or self-focused. Left to my own devices, I do not have the vocabulary to live a meaningful and articulate life. I need a word from God. I need a word from you, and you, and you. From strangers and friends. From near and far. And I need to offer words as well that might become a part of someone else’s story for me to find my place in this world.

Frederick Buechner wrote,

Words are power, essentially the power of creation. By my words I both discover and create who I am. By my words I elicit a word from you. Through our converse we create each other. When God said, “Let there be light,” there was light where before there was only darkness. When I say I love you, there is love where before there was only ambiguous silence. In a sense I do not love you first and then speak it, but only by speaking it give it reality.

As I look back through my texts to Sarah I see these words—wait, rest, gratitude, orphan, home—and I realize anew what words we choose matter. How we name our days, how we name each other, how we carry the meaning of our lives depends on how we choose our words, on what we choose to create with what we say, and what we choose not to say. With that in mind, I begin this Lenten journey hopeful of the story there is to tell.

Peace
Milton

the last time

IMG_0526the last time

you showed up, I didn’t know
what to expect. you kicked in the
door, filled the room with a dead chill . . .
surprise attack: a stroke, a call,
a funeral; and then miles of
ache and absence, but not this time.
she made choices; we made choices.
we had days to gather and plan,
sing old hymns, see old friends, wipe the
tears from our eyes and then cry more . . .
an extended final scene worth playing.

last time grief fell like a curtain
ending the play; now it feels like
a blanket too thin for the cold.
I am stating the obvious:
this is not new except for me.
there is a path—well-worn, weary,
and companions: bands of orphans
acquainted with grief and hope.
call me by name. gather in close.
sing me the songs. tell me again:
morning by morning, new mercies . . . .

Peace,
Milton

my eulogy for my mother

Here are the words I spoke at my mother’s funeral:Version 4

When my father died, I adapted a poem I had written for him a few years earlier, which allowed me to tell his story, express my feelings, and get through the whole thing without breaking down here at the podium. To my disadvantage today, I didn’t have a poem on hand for my mother. The memories and stories of her are stuffed in my mind and my heart like the pieces of paper crammed into one of the notebooks we found in her apartment this week, and they are full of emotion. There is so much to tell, so much for which to be grateful. What then shall I say?

My earliest recollections of her are in the kitchen. She loved to cook, and she loved to have people around her table. Both are things she passed on to me. So I thought the best way I could organize the thoughts and stories crammed in my brain would be to offer a recipe for the life of Barbara Cunningham.

Like the best recipes, this one is simple. First, set the temperature of her life to tenacious. My mother loved being alive as much as anyone I have ever known. She was unflappable in her energy and determination. Whether it was telling first dates at Baylor that if they didn’t want to spend their lives in Africa there would be no second date, or pulling out her Texas drivers license during the Zambia Independence celebrations so that she could pass as a reporter for the Dallas Morning News to get into one of the festivities, or looking at the doctor when he came to visit her in hospice and saying, “If my goal is heaven, what do I need to do?”, she was going to get what she wanted. When he heard her choice to go into hospice, her primary care doctor said, “You have made a choice of courage and hope and not of despair.” Set the temperature on tenacious.

The first ingredient is a contagious faith. She wanted, more than anything, to tell people about Jesus. And she did, right down to the very end. It seemed every time she got on an airplane she came home with another story about someone she had called to faith in Christ. The story never stopped there, however. She had an amazing way of keeping up with those folks whom she had met through chance encounters. She wanted to know what happened after that first meeting, which leads me to my next ingredient: a hunger to connect.

My mother loved connecting with people and then connecting people with one another. One of her visitors in hospice this week was a Baylor student who came with his mother—they had driven all the way from Nashville. Mom found out he was interested in becoming a dentist. A couple of hours later, I came back into the room after stepping out to give her time with others who had stopped by. Mom told me to find her address book and call the young man because she had found him an internship with her dentist who had just left the room.

As I mentioned earlier, her love of cooking grew out of this hunger to connect. The table was a way to bring people together, o there was always room at the table for whomever she could find. Meal time was an event to be celebrated, even if it was just the four of our family eating ham sandwiches. It was also a time to try new things, which points to the next ingredient in this recipe.

A love of learning and a willingness to fail. I know—that’s two things, but I think they are tied together, particularly in my mother’s life. She loved to try new things. One of Dad’s favorite stories was about my mother getting ready for a big dinner party, which was only a day or two away. She was still figuring out the menu. They turned out the light and she said, “What have you ever seen done on top of a chicken?”

A party was not the time to pull out old favorites; it was time to make a leap of faith, to go out on a limb, and if people didn’t speak up soon enough she would say, “Isn’t this good?”

And it was.

Around the time she turned eighty, she started taking piano lessons, partly because she regretted not doing it as a child, but also because she just wanted to learn something new. There was always room to grow.

Next we add an adventuresome spirit. When my folks were at Westbury Baptist Church in Houston, there were parents that would by my mother a season pass to Astroworld so she could take their kids to ride the rollercoasters. One year they built a big new wooden coaster and advertised a free t-shirt if you rode it ten times in one day. Mom took several middle schoolers to the park. About ride number seven one of them said, “You go ahead, Mrs. Cunningham. We’ll just sit here and wait for you.” She got her shirt.

The last ingredient is an extravagant sense of generosity. She not only shared what she had, but she looked for ways to help you share what you had, too. When she realized she was not going to be able to go back to Africa to live out her days working in an orphange, we all go letters inviting us to help buy blankets and supplies. Over two years she raised almost $60,000. One of the things of which she was most proud is the scholarship fund at Truett Seminary named for her and my father because it was a way to keep on giving and a way to stay involved with missions and with Africa. And if she were here today, she might remind you that you can still contribute so that we can fully fund the scholarship. I’m sure the ushers will be glad to take your checks.

Set the temperature on tenacious and add a contagious faith, a hunger to connect, a love of learning and a willingness to fail, an adventuresome spirit,  and an extravagant sense of generosity, and couch them in the love of a lifetime she found in my father and throw in that she was never afraid to both repeat and embellish a story, and you’ve got Barbara Cunningham, a recipe she was always willing to share.

If you would like to see the service, you can find it here.

Peace,
Milton

my mother’s obituary

I have been in Texas for almost three weeks. My mother entered hospice care on January 2 and died IMG_0496on January 15. Here is her obituary.

Barbara Schultz Cunningham of Waco, Texas died on January 15, 2016 of kidney failure. She was eighty-four. She is survived by her two sons: Milton Brasher-Cunningham (and his wife, Ginger Brasher-Cunningham) of Guilford, Connecticut and Miller (and his wife, Ginger) of Dallas; two grandsons: Ben (and his wife, Jenny) of New Orleans and Scott (and his wife, Marissa) of Wheaton, Illinois; one great grandson: James; two nieces: Sloane Underwood and Chase May; and many cousins. She is preceded in death by her husband, Milton Cunningham.

Barbara was born in Texas City, Texas on January 12, 1932 to Mabel and Valmond Schultz. She graduated from Texas City High School and Baylor University. She served as Baptist Student Union Director at the University of Houston and Youth Director at Lakeview Baptist Church in Dallas and First Baptist Houston. From the age of nine she felt called to be a missionary in Africa—a calling she fulfilled as a summer missionary in Nigeria and then as a career missionary in Southern Rhodesia (Zimbabwe), Zambia, Kenya, and Ghana. After returning to the United States in 1972, she served as a member of the Southern Baptist Foreign Mission Board, as a Trustee at San Marcos Academy, and on the faculty of the Billy Graham School of Evangelism. She spoke frequently at retreats and conferences, never losing her love for missions or Africa. She was committed to never miss a chance to tell someone about Jesus. She loved and mentored many, from all walks of life. She saw any chance meeting—at a store counter, on an airplane, or standing on a street corner—as as an opportunity to start a new relationship and share her faith. She loved being a missionary, a pastor’s wife, a mother, a grandmother, an aunt, and a great-grandmother. She rarely seemed afraid to start something new. She loved to cook and to gather people around her table. She lived her life with a determined and tenacious spirit that enabled her to deal with difficulties that would have stopped many. She leaves behind a legacy of family, faith, food, friends, and a long list of people who came to Christ because they knew her.

Public viewing hours will be from 6-8 p.m. on Tuesday, January 19 at Wilkirson Hatch Bailey Funeral Home on Bosque Blvd. After a family burial, the memorial service will be at 2 p.m. on Wednesday, January 20 at Columbus Avenue Baptist Church in Waco.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the Milton and Barbara Cunningham/George W. Truett Theological Seminary Endowed Scholarship Fund c/o Baylor University Gift Office, One Bear Place #97050, Waco, Texas 76798-7050.

Peace,
Milton