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advent journal: sundown

sundown

our oldest dog Ella has taken
to fits of barking at night
doggie sundowning the vet says

sometimes I can tell what she wants
she barks at the food closet or
she stares at the kitchen counter

at other times things aren’t so clear
her bark a barbaric yawp an
existential cry of angst or anger

which I understand better with
each passing day of the pandemic
I would like to yell as well

my consistent response is to open
the closet and drop a handful
of food in the middle of the floor

and she stops barking to eat
and then waits a few minutes
before she starts all over again

nothing seems to fix what is wrong
she doesn’t have words to tell
and I don’t have words to respond

that let her know I understand
so I drop a handful of food
thoughts and prayers disguised

as a late night snack that don’t
fix anything except to say I will
stay with her after sundown

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: unsustainable

unsustainable

the first restaurant
where I worked was
a disaster from the start

the owner had dreamed
of a tea house but had
no idea how to run one

we closed on a Tuesday
without any warning
we should have seen it

since the dining room
never filled with people
but we kept cooking

after we closed the doors
we talked about all that
we could have said

or changed or done
but we just played along
until it all fell down

it’s one thing to watch
that happen to a tea house
it’s another to watch

it happen to my country

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: missing john

I was probably seven or eight when I started by records–forty-fives, singles. I’m talking 1963 or 1964. Every Sunday after church in Lusaka, we listened to Top of the Pops that was broadcast from the UK on Radio Zambia. I should say I listened. The rest of my family endured it. I couldn’t get enough.

To listen to the radio in those days meant to listen to the Beatles. I can remember the announcers teasing with the promise of a new single–a Beatles song we had never heard. “Nowhere Man.” “Paperback Writer.” “Help!” “We Can Work It Out.” “Hey, Jude.” Then I moved on to albums. Rubber Soul.  

I still feel those songs in my bones.

We were back in the States my sixth grade year when Sgt. Pepper’s came out (I had the record the came with the paper cutouts) and then Magical Mystery Tour. Then the White Album. We were back in Kenya for Abbey Road and Let It Be. Once again, Top of the Pops played “Get Back” for the first time.

Then the Beatles broke up. And I blamed John (and Yoko) mostly because that is how the story was told. And my dad liked to bad talk John because he never forgave him for saying the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. But part of it was I connected more with Paul’s melodies.

I had to grow into John.

I was in seminary when he was killed. In the years that followed, I began to realize what we lost when he died: “Working Class Hero,” “Beautiful Boy,” “Instant Karma,” “Imagine,” “Give Peace a Chance (War is Over).” In the weeks following his death, I heard this song in a new way:

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fears

It’s still one of the songs I listen for each December.

Marking the fortieth anniversary of his death in the same week that Bob Dylan sold the publishing rights to his entire catalog for $300 million makes me mindful of how much John’s music, with or without the Beatles, has been in my life. Tonight, that is all I wanted to say.

I am grateful for the songs we have and saddened for the ones we missed.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: the letter to the pandemicians

It’s late. It’s been a long day. I am looking for words to offer.

Part of my day was looking at the lectionary passages for this coming Sunday, since I am preaching. Maybe I am just tired enough for this to make sense, but I found myself paraphrasing 1 Thessalonians 5 as though it was written during a pandemic.

Here is how I imagine the letter.

And we urge you, beloved, to admonish the anti-maskers, encourage the exhausted, help the isolated, be patient with everyone. See that none of you repays anger with anger, but always seeks the common good for one another. For everyone! Rejoice always, pray continually, live gratefully, wear your mask, wash your hands, and keep your distance, for this is how God would have us live. Don’t quench the Spirit or skip the sanitizer.

I Pandemicians 5:14-22

Rest well.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: melodies of peace

One of the annual events Ginger and I have been a part of in Guilford is a service of remembrance for parents who have lost children. It is an astounding time of both grief and healing. Ginger usually speaks or prays and I sing. This year, the service was live streamed, but it was moving nonetheless. The song I was asked to sing was “I Wish You Peace” by the Eagles, which set me to thinking that on this Sunday when we light the peace candle perhaps some songs about peace might serve us well.

I wish you peace when times are hard
the light to guide you through the dark
and when storms are high and your, your dreams are low
I wish you the strength to let love grow on
I wish you the strength to let love flow

The next song that popped into my head is Paul Simon’s “Peace Like a River.” The title has always stuck with me because I knew it first as a youth group song. Now that I have let that ear worm loose, listen to Simon’s song about civil rights protest.

Peace like a river ran through the city
long past the midnight curfew
we sat starry-eyed
oh, we were satisfied

and I remember
misinformation followed us like a plague
nobody knew from time to time
if the plans where changed
oh, if the plans were changed

you can beat us with wires
you can beat us with chains
you can run out your rules
but you know you can’t outrun the history train
I‘ve seen a glorious day

Another old favorite popped up in the jukebox of my heart: Nick Lowe’s “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding?”

and as I walk on through troubled times
my spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
so where are the strong and who are the trusted?
and where is the harmony, sweet harmony?

‘cause each time I feel it slippin’ away
just makes me wanna cry
what’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?
what’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding?

You might know the Elvis Costello version better, but Nick wrote the song, so I thought I would let him sing it–accompanied here by Los Straitjackets.

Kate Campbell is a roots singer-songwriter who has songs that reach deep in the heart. She also has a deep appreciation for the history of music, particularly in the roots and gospel traditions. “Peace, Precious Peace” is one she says she found on album by Stringbean–David Akeman–who I remember from Hee Haw. His words and music offer a carol of sorts.

there’s a wonderful feeling
in the hearts and the minds
in a world that is sick
of blood and shame
and the battle for glory
and the peace we shall find
when we lay down
the sword and the flame

there’ll be shouting and singing
there’ll be joy everywhere
there’ll be banners
from every land unfurled
there’ll be jubilant ringing
of the bells everywhere
when there’s peace, precious peace
in this world

Beth Neilsen Chapman’s “Peace” is a carol of yearning. I think we could sing it anytime of year. I couldn’t find her singing it, but I did find Michael McDonald’s cover.

Oh wondrous child of whom the angels sing
know my joy feel my suffering
shining star make this love you bring
so bright that I may believe
that my way will not be lost
from now on, ’til that rivers crossed
my soul renewed
my spirit free
in you I’ll find my peace

Though my opinion would quickly be contested at my house, I think John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together is the definitive Christmas album. One of the songs it contains is The Peace Carol.

add all the grief that people may bear
total the strife, the troubles and care
put them in columns and leave them right there
the peace of Christmas Day

Sam Baker’s story is as intriguing as his songwriting and performing. “Go in Peace” is one of my favorites. The melody plays off of “Come, Thou Fount;” the words are a simple and profound benediction.

go in peace
go in kindness
go in love
go in faith
leave the day
the day behind us
day is done
go in grace
let us go
into the dark
not afraid
not alone
let us hope
by some good pleasure
safely to
arrive at home

We will let him close the set.

I hope you are finding the music of peace to carry you in these days.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: rest, repent, get ready

I preached from both Isaiah 40:1-8 and Mark 1:1-8 because the latter echoes the former.

________________________

Friday morning I got a text from my cousin who is still in ICU with COVID pneumonia. “Today is the first day I don’t feel like doing this,” she wrote. “I’m beat. Three weeks is too long.”

The night before, I wrote this poem at the end of a long day. It’s called “tired words.”

the word exhaust
means to empty
but I feel full of tired
and grief weighed
down with weary
don’t you

that’s not intended
to be a question
I know you do
I see the loss in
your eyes the bend
in your back

I don’t have much
to offer tonight
except to say
tired is not
the last word
neither is grief

but whatever the
last word is
I’m not even sure
we’re even close
to starting the
sentence

let us sleep
even if it’s not rest
I need to sleep
don’t you
if you dream
remember to tell me

These exhausting days offer us a new connection with our texts this morning. Isaiah spoke after seventy years of Babylonian exile. John the Baptist showed up after a hundred years of Roman occupation, and Mark wrote his gospel another seventy or eighty years after that–and the Romans were still there. Our scripture passages for today were written and spoken for and by tired people.

Isaiah starts with God saying, “Comfort my people,” and then moves on to say words that are echoed in Mark, as a setup for John the Baptist:

“A voice cries out, ‘In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.”

When Isaiah spoke those words, he wasn’t predicting the future. He was talking in real time to people coming back to a land where there was nothing to come back to. Most everything felt like wilderness, I imagine, and in the middle of their exhaustion, the prophet said, “Get ready for God; start building a way for God to do something.”

In the next section, a voice tells the prophet to cry out. When Isaiah asks what to say, the voice says, “All people are grass, their constancy is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass.” It sounds like the voice knew the people were tired and felt blown about.

These are days when we feel about as permanent as the flowers that mostly passed with autumn. The colors have changed from pinks and blues and greens to the oranges, reds, and yellows of fall to the greys and browns of the coming winter. I spent part of one afternoon this week spreading dead leaves to cover our mostly dormant vegetable beds, stepping between the skeletons of marigolds and wilted kale. I understand when the voice says we are like flowers and grass. And the reason I was spreading leaves is that it helps get the ground ready for new life next spring.

In that same spirit, the voice didn’t stop with the withering grass. “God is coming,” she says, “to gather us up into God’s arms.”

John was in the wilderness calling people to repentance in the face of oppression and despair. He wanted them to see a change in themselves as the beginning of a change in the world. They couldn’t control the Romans, but they could control how they treated each other. It was another way to say, “God is coming.”

We are living in tough days. We may not be at the hands of a foreign oppressor, but we have much to remind us we are in need of words of both comfort and repentance. We are unsettled, exhausted, grieving; maybe even angry and confused. And, as Advent pulls us towards Christmas, we are called once more to prepare away in our present wilderness because God is coming.

How do we do that when we cannot be physically together? How do we do that when we are a country that feels at war with itself? How do keep going when we feel so tired?

In 1849, Edmund Sears was a pastor in Wayland, Massachusetts. He suffered personally from melancholy, or what we would call depression. The nation had just come out of a brutal war with Mexico and was beginning to manifest deeper and deeper divisions over slavery. Europe was in upheaval. A fellow pastor from Quincy asked him to write a carol. What he wrote is perhaps my favorite: “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.” One of the verses rarely shows up in our hymnals, but it speaks to the same sort of circumstances we are enduring:

Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the angel-strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The love-song which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing.

It’s not exactly “Joy to the World,” is it? But he follows it with a verse that is the reason I love the carol so much:

And you, beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
come swiftly on the wing.
O rest beside the weary road,
And hear the angels sing!

I don’t know if the glad and golden hours are going to come swiftly, but I do know we are feeling the crushing load of life and we long for a song of peace and comfort. I know we are ready for things to be different. We can’t change most of our circumstances. We can change how we respond to them. We can commit ourselves to sharing the crushing load with one another, step by step along the weary road.

And so today we have lighted the candles of hope and peace, even as we bear the weight of life. We hear the call of the prophets to comfort one another and to repent—to look for ways we can change in words and actions to help change the world around us. Weariness and wonder are not mutually exclusive. These are heavy days, and they are hopeful days. Maybe that is what Paul meant when he talked to the Philippians about a peace that passes all understanding. Rest, repent, get ready for God. Amen.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: accounting for non-business majors

“Being unappreciative might mean we are simply not paying attention.”
–David Whyte, Consolations

accounting for non-business majors

we never pay inattention
the cost of ignoring (ignorance?)
requires a different accounting
but I never could balance

my checkbook, so I’m not
the one to keep the ledger
other than to say life is going
to cost you one way or another

it’s funny that appreciate
is also a business term
meaning gain value over time
something worth holding on to

to pay attention is to
appreciate life to gain value
the wealth of wonder requires
gratitude as a downpayment

(man, if they had just told
me that accounting was poety
I might have done better
instead, I lost interest)

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: tired

Somedays I come to this page with something to say already in mind, as if to make an offering. Sometimes I come with nothing but raw feelings, almost like a confession or simply a statement of how things are. Tonight is the latter. Thanks for meeting me here.

tired

the word exhaust
means to empty
but I feel full of tired
and grief weighed
down with weary
don’t you

that’s not intended
to be a question
I know you do
I see the loss in
your eyes the bend
in your back

I don’t have much
to offer tonight
except to say
tired is not
the last word
neither is grief

whatever the
last word is
I’m not even sure
we’re even close
to starting the
last sentence

let us sleep
even if it’s not rest
I need to sleep
don’t you
if you dream
remember to tell me

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: winded

winded

it’s not just stacking the wood
you have to cover it–I know that
it doesn’t sound hard, does it

I walked down to Page’s and
bought a tarp, blue and brown
and a pack of bungee cords

the first time I centered
the tarp and folded in the edges
like I was gift-wrapping

and the winds came

twice more I have wrapped
the wood and tied it some new
configuration only to be undone

after a whirlwind of a day
I put the tarp back and thought
I’ve stacked a metaphor

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: zoom out

I don’t know why the thought crossed my mind the other day, other than I had given myself time to do nothing and let my thoughts run unleashed for a bit. What struck me is not original, I’m sure, but it felt significant; it was this: any technological advance carries with it a corresponding dehumanization.

Then I sat there trying to prove myself wrong. I’m not sure I am.

Advances in technology have brought ways for us to get from one place to another more quickly, ways to communicate across greater and greater distances, ways to grow more food with less effort, ways to make things or build things faster and larger. Many of those things are good things. And they also insulate, distance, and fragment us as humans. Technology turns us into workers, consumers, and avatars. We have become human resources rather than people.

Wait. Before you bail in the rest of this post, let me get to my point: I don’t like Zoom. It wears me out.

Somewhere recently I read something that talked about what made Zoom exhausting was that we could see ourselves the whole time, which is not the natural way we have conversations with people. We don’t see the expressions we make first hand. Zoom demands a self-consciousness that tires us.

In poet Kae Tempest’s new book, On Connection, they add another layer to the discussion.

The problem with reflection is that before looking in the mirror, we compose ourselves. So what we see is what we hope to see. Before the furtive glance into the dark glass of a parked car or shop window, we have already made the face of taken the posture that we like to see. We adapt for the shock of observation. To really see ourselves requires a different approach.

To really see those around us requires we lose ourselves as well. I have a hard time attending to a screen full of boxes that remind me of the Brady Bunch or Hollywood Squares. Even with all of the faces, the voices are disembodied and I get a sense (or maybe it is self-protection projection) that we are all doing other things besides really tuning in.

Yes, we are able to have meetings and classes and even worship thanks to the technology. And it feels less than human to me. I have been talking to my cousin who is in ICU in Houston with COVID pneumonia. She is not on a ventilator and is able to text and talk. I find a deeper connection talking on the phone and having to listen to her voice for tone and feeling. Part of it is, I think, I can’t see me.

I talk to my friend Kenny in Texas several times a week. We could Zoom, but we never do. We just talk. I can hear more of my friend than I would be able to see on screen, I think because I know his voice. And I can also listen without watching myself listen and wondering, at some level, how I look while I’m listening.

In some of my notes that didn’t make my sermon last Sunday, I found this from Rabbi Johnathan Sacks; he was talking about prayer, but his words fit here as well.

If we could only stop asking the question, “How does this affect me?” we would see that we are surrounded by miracles.

Look–I have meandered from attempting to wax philosophical about technology to being surrounded by miracles. Most every one of those miracles have a name and a face and a voice and a laugh and a way they have left a mark on my life. I don’t want to see myself. I want to learn, again, how to look and listen–even in the face of technology.

Peace,
Milton