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advent journal: weather report

weather report

when I was in high school
dad told me to be a weatherman
“you can be wrong everyday
and you never get fired”
I walked to coffee this
morning in cold sunshine
said the sky looked like
snow this afternoon
and sent the schnauzers
out in the rain tonight
who could see that coming

the weather of the heart
is no less unpredictable
despite the patterns
I recognize or the storms
that set the standard for
how bad a storm can be
once it breaks it doesn’t
matter who was right only
that we made it through
which is what weather means
when we use is as a verb

the ancient Greek word
for weather was the word for
time perhaps they thought
less about storms and more
about memories and markers
the Blizzard of ’78 the summer
my father died the hurricanes
with names like backup singers
that move that job that heartbreak
we were wrong most everyday
and have weathered it so far

Peace,
Milton

Thanks for reading. For the month of December, my book, The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon. Please check it out. Also, You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors. It comes out every Tuesday. Both my newsletter and blog are free and ad-free. If you would like to support my writing, you can become a sustaining member.

advent journal: driving credit

I drove someone in town to their doctor’s appointment in North Haven today.

Last week, Ginger became aware that someone in town needed a ride to their chemotherapy appointment and other family issues meant he didn’t have one. My flexible schedule made it easy for me to play chauffeur. It was their second treatment and the first one had exhausted him so much that he ended up being admitted to the hospital. He came home a few days ago and then reached out yesterday to say he needed a ride again, this time for tests to get ready for the next treatment, and wondered if I was available. I drove him back again this morning.

Since that meant I was going to be in the New Haven area for a while, I signed on to Lyft to see who else needed a ride. I gave someone a ride home from their car dealership, picked up a couple who had dropped off their rental car and needed a ride home, and then rove to a house in what we often call a transitional neighborhood to pick up my next passenger.

She came out of the house and set a couple of bags on the steps and then went back in for more. I asked if she needed help and, once she said yes, picked up what I could and put it in the back of my car. She went back in the house one last time and came out with a car seat covered by a blanket. Her baby had slept through the whole thing. As she got in the car, a man crossed the driveway behind her headed toward the house. As he unlocked the door she said flatly, “My brother will come get the rest of my stuff tomorrow. And don’t call me on my phone.”

She closed her door and we drove off.

A couple of blocks away from the house I asked how old her baby was. She told me she was three months old and she also had a six year old. I didn’t ask anymore questions. During the twenty minute ride to Waterbury, we had moments of conversation, but she spent most of the time texting and listening to either voicemail or someone rapping. My hearing loss made it hard to tell the difference.

The drive from North Haven to Waterbury is beautiful in several places. Connecticut is full of trees and water. We passed two or three beautiful lakes still rimmed by leftover snow. We passed through a couple of small towns that look like you think a small New England town should look. As we would through Waterbury we passed big Victorian houses and then smaller places and then blocks of apartment buildings that look like blocks. She was going to one of those.

I pulled into the parking lot and asked if she needed help getting her bags to the door. She said yes and between the two of us we managed to get everything in one trip. She opened the door and I set the bags I had on the threshold. The man inside–her brother, I assumed–said, “Thank you,” and closed the door.

As I would back down the road with the lakes and trees, I had time to let it sink in that I had helped someone get away from a bad situation. At least, that’s how it felt. She came out of the house with everything she could carry and we drove to somewhere she felt safe. About that time, I got a text message that things had wrapped up at the clinic and I drove back to pick him up. He was exhausted.

When we got to his house, his wife, daughter, and dog all came out to greet him. The little girl looked at me and kept saying, “Hi! Hi!” as she wrapped herself around her dad’s legs. They went in the house and I drove home thinking about two people whose lives didn’t have much in common other than they both were making drastic moves in hopes that whatever comes next would be better.

The jury’s still out in both cases.

The gift of my day was that they both needed rides to make some progress to whatever comes next. I will get to continue to play a small role in his story as it unfolds; my guess is I will not see her again. Then, of course, are all the houses I drove past where similar stories are playing out and I am not a part of the cast at all, which is a good reminder that neither one of these stories is about me, even though I am telling you what it felt like to be in them today.

I don’t have much of a point to make either, other than to say I learned again today that we all need each other, whatever happens next.

Peace,
Milton

Thanks for reading. For the month of December, my book, The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon. Please check it out. Also, You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors. It comes out every Tuesday. Both my newsletter and blog are free and ad-free. If you would like to support my writing, you can become a sustaining member.

advent journal: high school

I have struggled to write tonight. I have been sitting at the screen for a couple of hours and have three or four beginnings to poems that should not be finished. Somewhere in my search for something, I remembered a poem I wrote many years ago–when I was teaching high school–and it has remained important to me. The seed of the poem came from watching one kid in particular struggle to find his worth even though he was, to those other than him, a really good guy.

When I looked back through the blog, I found I had never posted it. So, in lieu of yammering on about how I can’t figure out what to say, I thought I would post it tonight.

high school

start with a
thousand candles

blow out one
no one will notice

this one here
on the edge

blow it out
no one will notice

blow out one
each night

how could one
matter much

come back in a
thousand nights

the light over
the kitchen sink

goes out with the
flick of a switch

the light inside
dies incrementally

Peace,
Milton

Thanks for reading. For the month of December, my book, The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon. Please check it out. Also, You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors. It comes out every Tuesday. Both my newsletter and blog are free and ad-free. If you would like to support my writing, you can become a sustaining member.

advent journal: surprise party

Today was my birthday, so I’m am finding my way to the keyboard in the waning moments to say I am glad to be alive and aging.

Birthdays at our house are intentionally surprises. The person being celebrated is given information about the day on a need to know basis. For me, that meant leaving the house at a little before 7 to meet a friend for coffee, who was then succeeded by another friend around eight who handed off to another friend who walked me home. And then we went to breakfast.

Then came the evening. We left the house about four and drove up to Essex, Connecticut, which is about twenty minutes from Guilford. We stopped at a small artists’ co-op to see the results of people’s creative expressions (and I got a Brie baker) and then we drove down Main Street and walked into a restaurant/bar called the Black Seal to “have a drink and a snack,” per Ginger’s instructions. We shared Buffalo wings and each got a drink.

We hung out for a bit and then walked farther down Main Street until Ginger decided we should go into the Griswold Inn. It was not as impulsive a decision as it seemed. We ate dinner and then, when it came time to go to the next place, we walked about ten feet into the Tap Room where Ginger told me we had arrived. A couple of other friends surprised me, but that was not all of it. About 8:15 four men took to the mics and began to sing sea shanties. The band is called The Jovial Crew. For the next two hours we listened, clapped, and sang along.

We left at the end of the first set and went back to the Black Seal where we met John, who was being the bar, Tony, who was sitting next to me, and Ellen, who came in later. We shared stories and they all wished me a happy birthday, which indeed it was.

I wrapped up my sixty-sixth year with good food, good friends, songs of the sea, and stories from people I had never met, all because of the woman who loves me so much that she made it happen. After half my life with her, Ginger still catches me by surprise.

That’s the best gift of all.

Peace,
Milton

Thanks for reading. For the month of December, my book, The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon. Please check it out. Also, You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors. It comes out every Tuesday. Both my newsletter and blog are free and ad-free. If you would like to support my writing, you can become a sustaining member.

advent journal: ambush of joy

One of the highlights of our time in Durham was the monthly gathering at Fullsteam Brewery for “Beer and Hymns.” Jesse DeConto and his bandmates led us in singalongs, both sacred and secular. One of those Sunday nights was the first time I ever heard “Canticle of the Turning.”

my soul cries out with a joyful shout
that the God of my heart is great
and my spirit sings of the Wondrous things
that you bring to the ones who wait

you fixed your sight on your servant’s plight
and my weakness you did not spurn
so from east to west shall my name be blest
could the world be about to turn?

my heart shall sing of the day you bring
let the fires of your justice burn
wipe away all tears for the dawn draws near
and the world is about to turn!

The tune–“Star of County Down”–I knew because my friend Terry Allebaugh (the best harmonica player I’ve ever heard) taught it to me and we played it as a duet a number for times, but the lyrics moved me and have stayed with me. I want to trust that the world is about to turn.

This morning I learned that the lyric is an adaptation of Mary’s response to the news that she would have a child who would be Love Incarnate. Luke’s gospel said she spoke the words to her cousin Elizabeth as she shared news of her pregnancy. No one else was there. The centuries between her and us have taken her words and named them (“The Magnificat”), set them to all kinds of music, and venerated Mary in a way that makes it difficult for us to remember it was a pregnant Palestinian teenager who spoke them. She wasn’t reading a prepared speech or polished lyric. She had no idea that her words would live on as a theological anthem. She was talking to her cousin about something she was still working to comprehend that was also something that gave her hope that the world would not always be like it is.

She was speaking the language of joy.

When I look at our lives, Mary and I don’t have much in common other than our shared humanity, which includes our share of being surprised by both grief and joy. Thanks to Christian Wiman’s collection, Joy: 100 Poems, I learned of one by Lucille Clifton that gave me a better sense of Mary.

hag riding

why
is what i ask myself
maybe it is the afrikan in me
still trying to get home
after all these years
but when i wake to the heat of morning
galloping down the highway of my life
something hopeful rises in me
rises and runs me out into the road
and i lob my fierce thigh high
over the rump of the day and honey
i ride i ride

The last three lines are as good of a definition of joy as I can muster: throw your thigh over the rump of the day and ride like the world is about to turn. We have the image of Mary riding the donkey to Bethlehem. Maybe she rode one to visit her cousin as well. By the time the days were accomplished, as the KJV says, Mary seems more subdued. This time around, she treasured what she saw and heard and held it all in her heart.

Another who didn’t share much in common with Mary was twelfth century mystic Meister Eckhart, and yet he wrote something I come back to most every Advent, and something Ginger quoted in her sermon this morning.

We are all meant to be mothers of God. What good is it to me if this eternal birth of the Divine Son takes place unceasingly, but does not take place within myself? And what good is it to me if Mary is full of grace, but I am not also full of grace? What good is it to me for the Creator to give birth to his Son if I do not also give birth to him in my time and culture? This, then, is the fullness of time: when the Son of God is begotten in us.

I read and quote his words as though I understand their implications, much as I do with Mary’s joyful outburst to Elizabeth, yet they both remain full of mystery and challenge. Joy is not as much a decision as an ambush, perhaps, other than I can choose to take those paths that make me vulnerable to being ambushed. Mary wasn’t expecting an angel or a baby or the life that unfolded from then on, for that matter. When it all came down, she threw her leg over and went for the ride.

Perhaps that last sentence assumes too much and makes the same mistake as others in turning Mary into more than she was in that moment of surprise. Maybe not, since she shared an explosion of joy with Elizabeth and a rush of reality with Joseph and she kept going. We don’t get many details other than her joy–her sense that she was a co-conspirator in ambushing the world with joy.

May it happen to us as it did to her.

Peace,
Milton

Thanks for reading. For the month of December, my book, The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon. Please check it out. Also, You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors. It comes out every Tuesday. Both my newsletter and blog are free and ad-free. If you would like to support my writing, you can become a sustaining member.

advent journal: a shared table

a shared table

It is not news to say I love to cook for people. I have told the story of our Thursday Night Dinners many times. As I have tried to negotiate life without a regular income, two friends from church, Gus and Mike, suggested we host ticketed dinners where I cooked and people paid to be a part of the evening. Mike and Kristin, his wife, hosted one about a month ago. Gus and Sarah, his wife, hosted one tonight. My friend Lisa was my kitchen partner for both of them.

I have called the events “A Shared Table” because the idea is not that I decide what to cook and then people come, but people sing up and then I decide what to cook based on their food needs and preferences. Tonight, for example, several in the group were pescatarians and one was allergic to gluten. Rather than create a menu and then make special dishes, I wanted a menu that was made for everyone. Rather than think about it as what I had to do without, I chose to see the limitations as an opportunity for creativity.

Eighteen people gathered for dinner tonight. I have spent the day in the kitchen, with the occasional check of World Cup scores. I am tired–in a good way–so tonight’s post is a photographic journey through the menu for the evening.

We started with appetizers: a smoked trout paté (smoked trout, celery, parsley, capers, lemon juice, crushed red pepper flakes–sorry, no picture), and two pick up appetizers: chai-spiced sweet potato slices with goat cheese and date and olive tapenade, and apple slices with brie and balsamic walnut brittle.

The first course was a roasted beet, carrot, and sweet potato soup that had ginger, garlic, and oranges in it. I topped with a little sour cream and a fried sage leaf.

 

 

The second course was a winter salad of baked delicata squash, ruby red grapefruit slices, Brussels sprouts shavings, and a lemon maple vinaigrette. (Gus made the maple syrup.)

 

 

The third course was a tostone (twice-fried green plantain) topped with roasted pineapple guacamole and then a piece of lemon-chili baked cod and a mango chimichurri sauce.

 

 

Lastly, we served a chocolate risotto with whipped marsacpone, caramelized sugar, and a parmesan sail.

 

 

 

And then we hung out and talked for two hours after we were finished eating.

It was a good night.

Peace,
Milton

Two things: The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon (and other ebooks sellers) for the month of December. Please check it out. Secondly, thanks for reading. My website is free and ad-free because of the support of my readers. If you would like to become a sustaining member, click here. You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors.

advent journal: zoom

zoom

before the word was a way
to talk across the pandemic
or sent kids around the room
Zoom was the nickname of one
who captivated my country
with the way he played football

I was a child in Zambia kicking
soccer balls in the backyard
and chanting his name as we
sat in the stands on the first
Zambian National Team after
Independence–Zoooooooom

the World Cup has taken up
my afternoons for weeks now
and though Zambia is long ago
for me I have cheered for every
African team like they were
Zoom at Lusaka City Stadium

I am captivated by the children
caught on camera as their country
competes in part because I see
myself as Zoom led the team of
our new nation and we felt
like we could be champions

Peace,
Milton

Two things: The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon (and other ebooks sellers) for the month of December. Please check it out. Secondly, thanks for reading. My website is free and ad-free because of the support of my readers. If you would like to become a sustaining member, click here. You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors.

advent journal: most of our stories

most of our stories

go untold to those around us
or perhaps they are unheard
misunderstood because they
we are not fluent in each other

it’s unfair I suppose to say
anything about most of our
stories as though they could
be collected in a single volume

the library of humanity isn’t so
easily contained or checked out
we live loose leaf lives our pages
caught in the swirl of circumstance

tell me your despair and I’ll tell mine
Mary said–not that Mary the other
one who was a poet–but even that
is not the whole story of anyone

but we have to start somewhere
not just the living but the telling
a first line that tells the truth
like an invitation or a promise

he was just trying to find his way home

the line could fall in the middle or
the end as far as my story goes
or repeated like a prayer whispered
though unsure if anyone is listening

for most of our stories telling is
not enough we need to be heard
read like a book whose margins are
filled with kindness and curiosity

listening is reader response to
loneliness a way to make meaning
of memories to say more than despair
to say we belong welcome home

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: driving record

In this last week before my sixty-sixth birthday, I started something new: I became a Lyft driver.

The idea came from my cousin who does so herself in Texas. We were catching up and talking about ways to make a little cash and she suggested I look into the service. She went on to tell me several stories of people she had chauffeured and the stories they had to tell and that was enough to make me jump through the hoops on the app so I could start driving.

Before anyone ever got in my car I was grateful I had signed up because a couple of days after Lyft notified me that my driver’s license was set to expire on my birthday. Instead of driving that afternoon, I renewed my license.

Here in the bustling micropolis that is Guilford, Lyft drivers are not in high demand. I knew I would need to be closer to New Haven. I got my chance today when someone in town put out word on social media that they needed a ride to and from the hospital for some treatment, so I volunteered to drive them in (for free) and then set out to use the time in between to see how this whole DIY taxi thing works.

The way the app works is pretty cool. An alert came with a request and an indication of how far I was from the person who needed a ride. I clicked to say I was on my way and the app switched to a map that gave me specific (and accurate) turn by turn directions. When I got to the location, I clicked a button that said arrived and the person came out of their building and got in the car. Then I moved a slider to start the trip and the map gave me everything I needed to get them to their destination. When I dropped them off, I had one last slider to confirm I was finished and the next ride popped up.

My first passenger went from New Haven to Wallingford, a town to the north. He had some sort of package he was delivering and was on the phone with the woman who was expecting both he and his cargo the whole way. When he got out of the car, I drove a few blocks and picked up a woman who was going from Wallingford to Meriden, another town on the outskirts of New Haven, but a little farther east. She was a little more conversant, but was also captivated by her screen. Then I got a prompt to pick up a girl at her high school and drive her home.

By this time, I had been driving about forty-five minutes, following the map on the screen in my CRV and wandering through parts of greater New Haven I had never seen. Because I was paying attention to each turn, I had no larger sense of where I was other than a town name, and I wasn’t always sure of that. I was simply going from here to there–and only because someone else needed to make the trip. About that time I received word that the person I had driven in for treatment was going to spend the night at the hospital for observation. Since I was on the other side of the city from Guilford, I decided to take a couple of more passengers.

My next to last ride was a woman who worked in New Haven and lived in Hamden. When I got to the address, she was standing outside the building with a walker. She might have been in her thirties. She got in the car and I put the walker in the back and we began the twenty minute ride to her apartment. She was just getting off work and was ready to chat more than my other passengers. The reason for her needing both a ride and a walker was she had fallen asleep driving to work four months earlier and had hit a tree. She totaled her car and broke a number of bones. She was still recuperating. Her job had been in maintenance, but since she was unable to as mobile as that position required she had moved to a desk job. She didn’t like it, she said, but was glad for the work.

I was struck by the tone with which she talked about what had happened to her. She was not despairing, neither was she deflective. I heard hope in her voice. Maybe part of that was we passed a restaurant I recognized and complimented and she asked if they had good wings because she loved wings, which led to the rest of the ride being about how to make crispy wings. It’s hard to be hopeless when you’re talking about chicken wings.

I dropped her off and picked up one more person: a man who lived in the next apartment building and took him back to New Haven, though I didn’t realize which direction I was heading. The streets were small, the trees–even without leaves–were thick, and the fog was heavy. About three turns before we reached his destination, I realized I was on the way home. He got out of the car, I turned off the app, and I drove myself back to Guilford.

Years ago, I wrote a poem called “Spokane” where I imagined a family in Washington who lived happy and fulfilled lives that did not require me. One of the middle stanzas says,

they are finding their dreams
building their lives
breaking their hearts
living out their days
without knowing me
and they are not the only ones

Today, I got to drive into the middle of other lives and help them get where they needed to go. Though my name showed up in the app, my contribution was to drive. I had no real lines to speak of. They are not required to remember me. I was, as they say, an extra in the story of their lives, and they in mine. How amazing that for even a moment we had the chance to need each other.

Peace,
Milton

Two things: The e-book version of The Color of Together is 99 cents at Amazon (and other ebooks sellers) for the month of December. Please check it out. Secondly, thanks for reading. My website is free and ad-free because of the support of my readers. If you would like to become a sustaining member, click here. You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter, mixing metaphors.

advent journal: breakfast special

One of the realities of my life is I am not hard to overhear.

I would love to say my hearing loss is primarily to blame, but I have talked loudly all of my life. I have a booming voice, as they say. As my hearing loss has become profound (the official word), I have even less of a sense of the sound I am releasing into the world and have had to learn to judge it by the way my throat feels rather than how I sound to myself, but that means I have to pay attention to how my throat feels and often, when I am engaged by conversation, my attention is aimed elsewhere.

This morning I drove to Plainfield, Connecticut to meet my friend Christy at the Day Breaks Diner. Neither of us had been there before, but it was about halfway between Guilford and Westford, Massachusetts where Christy lives.

We have known each other a long time. I was youth minister at University Baptist Church in Fort Worth, Texas when Christy became my intern to work with TCU students while she was in seminary, circa 1986. When Ginger and moved to Boston, Christy came up several times, both by herself and with church groups. She ended up moving to Boston and then falling in love and getting married. We have seen each other through many chapters of life. Since Ginger and I moved back to New England, Christy and I have met for breakfast a number of times (previously at Danny’s Depot Diner in Moosup, but they were closed today), but the pandemic broke our schedule. Today it resumed.

Day Breaks is everything you want in a breakfast joint: a horseshoe counter, booths that were installed about the time Christy and I met, servers that offer both kindness and little bit of attitude, and really good food. We sat in a booth by the front window, the last in a line of four. I didn’t notice the man who sat in the booth next to us, though I was facing him. Christy and I were talking baseball, which is one of our favorite subjects–particularly the Red Sox, who are in the middle of an uncertain offseason because of some key players who are free agents. As I was lamenting the possible, perhaps even probable loss of Xander Boegarts, the volume of my voice must issued an unintentional invitation to the man, who was eating by himself, because he joined right in, offering his opinion on free agency, the general demise of pro sports, and the danger of NIL (name, image, and likeness) in college athletics.

He talked for a couple of minutes and, I must say, he made a lot of sense. It was as though he had a speech he had been dying to make and had not yet had the opportunity. My ability to talk to a whole room gave him an opening. It felt a little invasive, but then I felt a sense of warmth that we were sitting in a diner having a conversation across booths, even booths divided by plexiglass screens. After a bit, he apologized for interrupting and went back to his breakfast. Christy and I went back to our conversation–with me trying to talk less loudly–and moved on from baseball to catching up on our lives, part of which was my telling her that I may be starting another bridge interim after the first of the year at a church on the other side of New Haven.

That word must have traveled as well because when he stood up to leave he said, “I’m UCC, too,” and smiled as though he might be taking a good memory of the morning with him.

Christy and I sat at the Daybreaks for a couple of hours until our lives called us both back home. We talked to each other, the server, and the man in the next booth. It was good to be with my friend, to lean into stories we have shared for decades, to tighten the bonds, to make the effort to get to one another. And it was good to add another story to the stack of those that make up our friendship, a story of someone who needed to be heard and thought that the guy who talked to loud because he doesn’t hear well must have wanted to listen.

As he was talking, I could see the smile on Christy’s face–that may be my favorite memory of the morning. She was not mocking him. What I saw in her eyes was amusement, even joy–a kind of I-can’t-believe-I-get-to-be-here-for-this kind of look. I hope the expression on my face communicated the same thing.

Peace,
Milton