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summersong

It’s been a while since I did a music post. Tonight, at the end of a hot summer day, I thought I might offer some of the songs that have been the soundtrack of my summer — mostly old friends, and certainly worth a listen.

First is Mark Knopfler singing “A Night in Summer Long Ago.” The wistfulness of the Irish instruments makes this a beautiful lullaby for a summer evening.

Nanci Griffith’s “Love at the Five and Dime” has played in our house more times than I can count. Here it is again.

The title of Amos Lee’s “Windows Are Rolled Down” makes me want to do just that. I love the hopeful drive of this tune.

The Indigo Girls gave us our camp theme song this summer: “Get Out the Map.” I can’t help but sing along.

James Taylor sings, “Never give up, never slow down, never grow old, never ever die young,” and life is just better.

The Decembrists have become a favorite band over the last couple of years and “June Hymn” is one of the best.

When my dad died last year, Patty Griffin’s “Go Wherever You Want to Go” was bread for the journey. This summer it has made a return and let me sing along as we observed the first anniversary. The more I hear it, I find deep hope in this song.

Here’s hoping you find something with which you can sing along.

Peace,

Milton

a marked man

After my father died last year, Ginger and I were at my mother’s apartment and we saw two or three bags of little white
powdered donuts in the pantry. When we asked about them,my mother said, “Every morning we got up and I made a pot of coffee and we had a couple of donuts and talked about what we were going to have for breakfast.”10589954_10204246357296249_1951672103_n

This morning — the first anniversary of my father’s death — Ginger left the house early and returned with two sleeves of little white donuts from our local convenience store. I made a pot of coffee and we, too, ate our don
uts and talked about what we wanted for breakfast. All my food today has been in his memory: cornbread and milk for breakfast, BBQ ribs and sausage for lunch, peach pie for dinner. I remembered him well.

I am the last of three Cunninghams who were given the name Milton. The first, my grandfather, was a big, determined, and sometimes divisive man who died before I was born. I know him only in stories. My dad was a shorter man than his father, more diplomatic, and with a better sense of humor. I split the difference between them, height wise. All three of us bear a physical resemblance along with our common name. I was born in Corpus Christi, Texas. My mom tells of Pop Soles, who was one of the laundry men at the hospital and a member at Second Baptist Church, where my parents attended. Everyday as he made his rounds, he would stop and look through the window at the newborn babies. The morn
ing after I was born he said to the nurse, “I didn’t know Barbara Cunningham had her baby.”

The nurse said, “Now Pop, you can’t tell whose baby is who the first day.”

“Oh, yes I can,” he said. “That is Milton Cunningham right there. I wou
ld put money on it.” The nurse didn’t believe him and went in to check. He was right. I was Milton.

One of the lectionary passages in church today was the story of Jacob wrestling with the angel — or whomever he wrestled that night. The story is one of the most evocative and mysterious stories in the Bible, and one to which I continue to return. I have always loved the idea of taking on a new name when we meet God in a significant way. That part of the story gave me vocabulary to describe why it mattered to me to change my name to Brasher-Cunningham when Ginger and I married. The most compelling part of the story for me, however, is Jacob’s desperate holding on until he got a blessing. The blessing. From his childhood he had manipulated and cheated and cajoled and  there beside the river, aware that come morning he would have to face his brother whom he had so deeply wounded, he hung on for dear life that he might feel blessed. Forgiven. Validated. Loved.

He got the blessing, along with a wound. The man touched him, as the older versions say, in the hollow of his thigh and left him to limp the rest of his life. He had a new gait to accompany his new name. With every twinge came the memory of his blessing. The two were inseparable. His limp, I imagine, also made him recognizable. Someone would look down the road to see the sort of stumble in his walk and say, “There comes Jacob.”

Along with our names and our physical resemblance, the three Miltons have all shared a quest for blessing: some sort of validation that we were enough, that we mattered, that we were worthy to be loved. All of us preached grace better than we appropriated it. When I look at the two who preceded me, I also see that each offered his namesake less of a burden. My grandfather gave his son a better life than he had known; my dad did the same for me. I still remember looking in the coffin a year ago and saying, “Well, Dad, you finally know what it feels like to be enough.” That thought still makes me smile.

My father and I spent more than a couple of nights wrestling with each other as I tried to figure out what it meant to be Milton and we both tried to sort out what it meant to be Miltons together and who we were to each other. We left some scars and we figured some stuff out as well. For most of my life, particularly during my days in Texas, I was often recognized as my father’s son before I even had a chance to introduce myself. Sometimes that opened doors and sometimes it annoyed me. It never closed a door. It often led to a story: “I remember when your dad was here . . . .”

I’m a marked man: marked by my name, by my appearance, and by the legacy of my father who did the best he could. Part of grief appears to be coming to terms with the fact that the things you hoped might happen will not. Marking this day, however, reminds me of the ways I am marked by him; even as I miss him being here, I feel him in my limp, if you will — I incarnate the legacy handed down to me in the way I look, the way I repeat stories, the way I look for humor, the way I love to read, the way I feel called to make a difference in the world, the way I love a good piece of pie.

I am blessed, and I will keep my name. I am Milton.

Peace,

Milton

summer storm

I can see them
coming over the tops
of the trees
the lights at the
old ball park
the roof tops of
the old warehouses
the clouds pile up
some white as anger
behind them a grey wall
as deep as darkness

here comes the rain again
falling on my head like a memory

what I can’t see
is when the storm
will be over
if I am living through
a flash flood of
feelings and grief
or if the darkness
is settling in to stay
all I can do is keep
looking past the ball park
for any sign of light

Peace,
Milton

dreaming in barcelona

I am dreaming these days,
but not in a language I remember;
I wake up with some sense
of where I’ve been . . .
of stories I’ve been told . . . .

In the resonance of my
ruminations, I feel at home
riding strange trains with
Schanuzers who now live
only in my memory.

My father has walked by,
but across the room — I
could only see his back;
I don’t think he was
expecting me.

Sometimes I think I should
make more effort to
remember: keep a pen
by the bed and write
madly when I wake . . .

No. For now I will wander,
much like we did on the
story-ed streets of Barcelona,
soaking up snippets
of Spanish I didn’t know —

save the food words;
I will wander and wait to
be found by that one morsel
of memory that keeps
inviting me to taste and see.

Peace,
Milton

heat wave

the southern summer
is not personal:
the onslaught of heat
and humidity
falls on the just and
unjust the sacred
and the sweaty
gets under your skin
refusing to relent
in its drive to
depletion as you
dart from one cool
remove to the next

more afternoons than
not the swirl and stack
of clouds fills the sky
with the promise of
rain — perhaps relief —
and then delivers
the promised storm on
some and not others
it’s raining in your
lane of life’s highway
your windshield wipers
pull the water across

the glass like a rake
in a sand garden
then erase and try
again without sense
of gain or failure
the best they can do
as the flash flood steams
you like vegetables
healthy though tasteless
left limp by the heat
put in a cool place
to save for tomorrow

Peace,
Milton

what I learned at the sculpture show

“Love seeks to close all distance.”

— John Berger —  And Our Faces, My Heart, As Brief As Photos

Life has a certain centrifugal force. In both large and small ways we are thrown to the edges, away from one another. The companion force is one that draws us to one another, that compels us toward together. The first force is a reality; the second, a choice. I live in a town where people — many people — make that choice on a daily basis, looking for ways to connect, for new eyes with which to see ourselves in new ways. Durham is the most encouraging place I have ever lived.

One of the most recent labors of love is the Bull City Sculpture Show, which was put together by the artists who make up Liberty Arts and who describe themselves as . . .

a nonprofit arts community whose collaborative practice reflects the dynamic personality of Durham, North Carolina. Our mission is to expand access to three-dimensional art and share the skills required to make it.  All are welcome to take part through hands-on classes, public events, mentorships, and commissions. Liberty Arts believes in community outreach and encourages visionary thinking.

Part of their vision was to create space for sculptors to give us some new things to look at in and around downtown and, by doing so, give us new eyes with which to see ourselves and our city. They ran a successful Kickstarter campaign to raise enough money to offer artist grants and to build the necessary platforms and now there are twelve sculptures scattered across the downtown area, which means they are all in walking distance of our house.

Twice now — once with Ginger and once with my friend, Leon — I have walked around town to take in the sculptures. I won’t feign to be an art critic or even say I know that much about sculpture, and I was moved by what I saw on the streets where I live. On both sojourns I learned some things, saw things in new ways. I offer things I learned from the Bull City Sculpture Show — in no particular order.

Looking at things you don’t completely understand is expansive. Seeing the sculptures did more than make my mind work; I felt a physical change as well, as though my lungs expanded. I could breathe deeper. I know it sounds dramatic, and it’s what happened. The pieces of metal and wood that swirled and reached and clung to each other stretched me and invited me to rest and ruminate rather than rush on by. The specific offerings of the artists made my world larger.

Context matters. As we walked around town, I could see the folks who put the show together had worked hard to think

Pursuit of Happiness
Pursuit of Happiness

about where each piece should be placed. In some cases, the theme of the piece was tied to its location. In others, the shape of the space seemed to have been taken into account. Even so, some of the pieces were enhanced by their placements and some were diminished. Where we are makes a difference. My favorite piece in the show is my favorite in part because of where it was. “Pursuit of Happiness” is a wooden sculpture of a man carrying a box that is shaped like a bird house. He is made out of white wood and is wearing a hat. He is in a stand of trees next to the Carolina Theater, so he looks as though he is coming out of the forest, as though he is in motion, even though he is standing still. The “forest” made me wonder if he were homeless in his pursuit, or if he could be a fairy tale character. Had he not been in the trees I would not have seen him in the same way.

Things look different when seen from different perspectives. All of the sculptures in the show were placed so that we could walk around them and see them from all sides. Most of them changed as my perspective changed. “Winding Out”

Winding Out
Winding Out

looked like a turbine or a helix or a carnival slide depending on where I was standing. Saturday at the Farmer’s Market, I looked over to see a parent who had spread a blanket under the sculpture for her baby to get out of the sun and the spiral became a shade tree. There’s more than one way to look at most everything.

To be attentive is to see everything with new eyes. Most of the time we see what we are looking for. If we go looking for the same old things, we often find them. If we go looking for adventure, we find that, too. “Amuk” is a concrete bench made to be used. When Leon and I sat down, I looked across at the empty Farmer’s Market pavilion and saw the lines and angles as if it were a sculpture. As we walked through town, everything around me turned into art. I had never looked at the buildings that way. I’m not sure those intent on building edifices had art in mind in the same way as the sculptors intent on building community, but the art bled through nonetheless. The more we looked and talked and walked, all of us — Ginger, Leon, Durham, me — became part of the art show, part of the connectedness.

Amuk
Amuk

In some sense, I suppose, the lessons I learned are an exercise in stating the obvious. Then again, a day never goes by without Ginger and I telling each other, “I love you,” which is stating the obvious as well. When it comes to closing the distances between us, stating the obvious becomes a crucial act. We need to say again and again that we are all in this together. We need to remind one another to expect to find wonder and adventure as we go through our daily routines. We need to say out loud and over and over that there is work to be done to make sure everyone knows they belong.

And that’s what I learned at the sculpture show.

Peace,

Milton

peregrino

the scallop shell
was still swinging
from the side of
my backpack as
I walked from home
to our coffee
shop to drop off
cookies and write

still a pilgrim
I suppose this time
in my own town
broken sidewalks
instead of trails
sites made sacred
by our stacks of
stones and stories

the best trails go
in a circle
beginning and
ending with each
other on the way
to where we’ve been
with time to stop
to drink and dream

Peace,
Milton

notes from the camino: look at all the stars

Though we stood on the stone with the shell engraved on Saturday afternoon, we got up Sunday morning and kept walking. There was much to do. We tramped up and down the old stone streets to get our certificate of completion at the Credentialing Office and then to get a second certificate at the Church of Saint Francis (on the other side of the cathedral) because this is the eight hundredth anniversary of his walking the Camino. Of course, it felt uphill both ways. We found time for a cafe con leche and then met Vanessa and Mike back in the square where we were introduced to Margarina (mar-gar-eenya) who gave us a tour of the old city. A walking tour.

The giant cathedral is flanked by four squares and each squared bordered by more giant buildings: a seminary, a convent, buildings once hospitals that are now hotels, residences, administrative buildings, even other churches. As we were getting ready to walk, the main plaza began filling up with random groups, the largest being a group of pilgrims with Parkinson’s disease, complete with bagpipes, who were finishing their walk. Their emotion and resolve radiated across the square. Margarina said, “Bagpipes,” and smiled and began to tell the story of how Santiago became a city.

James is said to have come to Spain seeking to live out Jesus’ command to go to the ends of the earth. Fisterra, which means that very thing, is a small coastal town, so James went to the end and then returned to Jerusalem. When he died, two of his disciples, Theodore and Anastasio, brought his bones by boat back to where Santiago is now and buried them at the end of the first century. To make a long legend shorter, fast forward to somewhere in the ninth century (past holy wars and one destroyed cathedral), and the graves, which had been lost and forgotten, were discovered by a priest who followed falling stars to find them, thus the town is called Santiago de Compostella — James of the Field of Stars.

I love a good star story. And a good star song — “Stars” by Dan Fogelberg, “Vincent” by Don McLean, “Stars Go Blue” by Ryan Adams, “Bright Morning Star” by the Wailin” Jennys, to name a few. Perhaps the one at the top of my list is “Look At All The Stars” by Bill Mallonee, which is a song about his father and is full of grief and wonder.

my father often brought me here;
I loved to see him smile
it was hard to tell which one of us
was the little child
he would stretch his arms out wide;
he would hold me to his heart
he’d say, “Hey, look at all the stars!”
he’d say, “Hey, look at all the stars!”

Whether it is contemplating the stars or simply standing in the square put in your place by the scope and majesty of the big stone buildings, there is much in Santiago to give you a sense of appropriate insignificance. The shell and the star are the two primary symbols of the Camino, one small enough to hold, one large enough to see across time. Together they offer the paradox that we belong in this world and we are almost unnoticeable in the grand scheme. In one of my earlier Camino posts, I included a picture of Ginger and me sitting on a stone wall in front of what we called a storybook forest. I was trying to take the picture when a man showed up out of nowhere and said, “I take picture,” which he did and then went on his way. As I was coming out of the small office in the front of the St. Francis Church, I recognized the man as he was going in. I took my phone out of my pocket, found the picture, and went back into the little room. He was about to sit down to get his certificate when I touched his shoulder and said, “You took this picture.”

“I remember,” he answered and then he turned and embraced me. “Thank you.”

As the priest looked on as though to say, “There are others in line,” I flipped the camera around and took a picture of us both, grinning. “Thank you,” I said. “Buen Camino,” and walked back down to the plaza to learn about the one hundred and ten bells, the oldest clock, the four squares, the thirty-three steps up to the statue of St. James in the middle of the altar, and the nearly one hundred and fifty pound botafumeiro (incensory) that swung across the church at the end of the service. The power of ritual — of meaningful repetition — is to call us to a new sense of our faith and of ourselves.

Life is n’er a path that’s straight;
there’s so much gets in the way
from here to Kingdom Come
there’s so much to make you numb
still I always had that light
forever etched inside my heart
I would tell myself at night
as I stood out in the yard
“Hey, look at all the stars!”
I’d say, “Hey, look at all the stars!”

For our last supper in Santiago, Ginger and I walked from our hotel down what had become a rather familiar route along the slope of the old stone streets to Cafe Cervantes because of the name. He is one of my writing heroes and here was a cafe named after him. Easy call. None of the servers spoke much English and when the food came I had managed to order a bottle of wine rather than a glass. Not long after we sat down, two men sat at the table next to us. Since we could hear them speaking English, we struck up a conversation. One was from Vancouver and the other from Kent, England. Both had walked from the beginning of the Camino in France and it had taken them over forty-five days to get to Santiago. They met on the trail and had traveled together. Since we had an abundance, we shared our wine and we all told our stories.

We asked each other what the trip had meant and all of us said in our own ways that the trip was not life changing in the sense there was some Grand Epiphany that will send us home fundamentally different from who we were at the start, and yet it was life changing. The Canadian man told me he the longer he walked the more he thought about how to be more compassionate when he got back home. “What I hear in what your saying is we made the long journey one step at a time; the best way to be compassionate is one small gesture, one word at a time. There aren’t many grand gestures of eternal significance,” I replied.

You took this step. You said those words. You stayed with me. You took this picture. You said, “Oh, my — look at all the stars . . . .”

Peace,
Milton

notes from the camino: it is completed

We woke this morning to a perfect day for walking. The sun was shining, a few cotton ball clouds were scattered across the sky as though they had been painted in, and a cool breeze blew across our path as we wandered through farms and forests once again. We walked at a relaxed pace, enjoying our conversation because we knew this was our last day on the Camino. After about a half an hour, we stopped for a coffee and bathroom break because the first of two climbs were ahead of us and there was nowhere to stop until we got to the other side of the mountain. Cafe con leches consumed, we headed up the hill. For close to an hour we climbed; the grade was not too steep and it was unrelenting. Three or four times the road turned toward false summits leaving us to find another stretch of ascending highway. We topped the mountain, found another coffee and a bathroom, and began our way down the other side.

Our talk turned again to those who had come before us. Those who walked in earlier times had only the clothes on their backs, one pair of shoes — if any, and no personal toiletries of note. When they stopped at an albergue for the night, a bath of shower was not part of the package. Regardless of where they started on their walk, by the time they got to the stage we walked today they were ripe. To borrow from the King James, they stinketh. We came down the mountain and into a little village called Lavacolla, which means something along the lines of “the place to wash your bottom (or your private parts). It was where people bathed before they got to Santiago de Compostela.

Our guide gave us instructions as he prepared us for our second climb and told us we would come to a small wooden bridge and the washing spot would be there to our right. I was expecting a sort of ritual cleansing place, a version of what we saw outside the mosques in Istanbul where the men washed themselves before going in to worship. What we found was little more than a shallow swimming hole with room enough for one person to enter the little brook, and there was one person there. He was a man about my size who had walked in front of me on the trail most of the morning. I didn’t see him with anyone else and he said little more than “Buen Camino” each time we passed each other. When I got to the stream, he was sitting on the bank, his shoes and socks beside him, washing his feet. I don’t know how long he stayed; we didn’t see him again. We crossed the bridge and began our second climb of the day, which pushed us to our limit even as it brought us to the summit of Monte do Gozo — Mountain of Joy — which is supposed to be the first place on the Camino from which you can see the Cathedral in Santiago. Also on that mountain is an enormous sculpture commemorating John Paul II’s walk on the Camino. For the ancient pilgrims to have bathed before they took on the second mountain was a mistake. They would have stunketh once more after reaching Monte do Gozo.

We ate lunch under the sculpture and then set out on the last eight kilometers of our journey together. We were tired. The two ascents had taken their toll, even with the coffee stops and our picnic lunch. After about fifteen or twenty minutes, we entered the city of Santiago and spent the rest of our walk on city sidewalks. Ginger and I talked about what it felt like to finish this thing we have talked about doing since we say The Way soon after he father died over two and a half years ago. To call it an accomplishment is the wrong word. We didn’t accomplish anything. This wasn’t on our bucket list as something to check off. It didn’t feel like some thing we had done. The word that kept coming to mind was completed. We completed the last seventy miles of the Camino de Santiago. We stepped out in Sarria and, five days later, were walking the streets of Santiago on the way to the cathedral.

The closer we got to the church, the older the buildings became and the smaller the streets. The cathedral is an enormous stone structure flanked on all sides by other giant stone structures all surrounding a huge square filled with people. In the middle of the square is a scallop shell carved into the stone where we could touch to mark the completion of our pilgrimage. There were not lines of people jumping up and down, no giant festivities. We saw a few groups, like ours, that touched the shell, took some pictures, hugged each other, and then went to find a place to shower and sleep.

There are things still to do here. Tomorrow morning we will go to the certification office and show our “Credential del Peregrino” to receive our official certificate of completion. This year, because of the eight hundredth anniversary of St. Francis’ walk, we will get a second certificate. Then we will go to the Pilgrim’s Mass together before we begin to go our separate ways. For the first morning in nearly a week, we will awake with more to do than just get up and walk. The focus of life will begin to diffuse, much life the rays on the back of a scallop shell, calling us to hold more than silence, to think beyond our next step, to move back into the life that swirls around us here in the city.

For now, it is completed, in a way a blanket is completed and then used for warmth, or a book is completed and then read again and again. The walk is over. The Camino is completed, but it is far from finished with me.

Peace
Milton

notes from the camino: hola, milton

Each day of our walk on the Camino de Santiago has had its own personality. Day One was an adventure: we were starting out on something new in a place we did not know. Day Two was a climb: the first nine miles of our day were uphill and presented quite a challenge. Day Three was marked by rain: we were soaked as we walked through the mud and the muck. Day Four — cool, sunny, and partly cloudy — had a slower heartbeat. We know tomorrow is our last day walking and also the day we will arrive in Santiago do Compostela; its personality is starting to shape even though the day is not yet here. Today, however, was about neither discovery nor accomplishment. In some ways, walking has become its own kind of normal. We have gotten up the last four days and walked until it was time to eat and go to bed. The slope of our walk was gentler, the weather was kinder, time appeared to be doing no more than passing. Day Four was a quiet day.

We stopped for a picnic lunch around two o’clock, as has been our custom each day. Vanessa and Mike, our guides, have done a great job with the food and today was no exception. We sat at a big stone table beside the path and shared ham, cheese, a pasta salad, a spinach and tomato salad, a traditional Galician almond cake, and a little wine as well. As we were eating, the Venezuelan woman we walked with yesterday turned the corner and yelled, “Hola, Milton!” The two Venezuelan women in our group teased back at her about not saying hello to them and she just laughed and said, “I turned the corner and I could see Milton. Hola, Milton.” She gave me a big hug and sat down to share lunch and then walk with us.

This has been a day of quiet invitations to notice and connect: the Spanish couple who were negotiating the Camino with a kind of stroller meets rickshaw to pull their two small children along, the Canadian woman whom we saw twice because she missed one of the arrows and ended up in the middle of a farm before she found her way back, the chance to see the land and buildings that Vanessa, one of our guides, has purchased and hopes to make a cafe along the Camino, the little dog that followed us for about two kilometers after lunch as though he were some sort of personal escort, the continuing conversations with our group where we learned more about each other, and the time walking alone.

I noticed the houses and farms on the hills around us today because I had not been able to see them since the day we began walking from Sarria. The quietness of the morning set my heart to thinking about my father and his favorite hymn, “A Child of the King,” which begins

my father is rich in houses and lands
he carries theweight of the world in his hands . . . .

I said I was alone, but I would do better to say I was to myself. Ginger and I walked together all day, sometimes side by side, sometimes with some distance between us, yet I felt the tether of our our connectedness all day. The dance of our day was not planned or even organized. The hills or size of the trail, or the speed at which either one of us needed to climb or descend the path ahead gave us space and then gave us back to each other amidst a rather boisterous chorus of birds and calves and lambs and dogs. As I sang for my dad, I knew she was close, even as I knew he was, too.

Twice today we saw markers — one made of stone and one very handmade one of sticks — remembering the lives of those who had died walking the Camino. About the same time, we passed a series of blue trash cans along the way on which someone had written part of the lyric to “Imagine.” The half verse was spread over two kilometers and four trash cans:

imagine all the people
living life in I peace
you can say I’m a dreamer
but I’m not the only one . . .

I’m not the only one. That was the message that said “Hola” to me over and over again today. I’m not the only one to grieve, to wonder, to walk, to hope, to hurt, to dream, to mark time step by step. At one point this afternoon, Ginger said, “You know we keep taking pictures of the trail in front of us, but if you turn around it looks the same.” She was right. A day is a day is a day. When Mike or Vanessa tells us we have five kilometers to the next stop, Ginger and I think about our three mile loop in Durham — the same distance — and as we have wandered over hill and dale she will say, “We’re at Rue Cler;” “We’re at East Campus;” “We’ve turned down Trinity.” A step is a step is a step.What distinguishes a day or highlights a single step is the invitation involved, whether it’s a greeting over lunch, a trash can lyric, or the call to once more pick up my grief and carry it over the mountain. When I am willing to listen, the world is saying, “Hola, Milton” with many voices.

Peace,
Milton