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advent journal: an old story

This story is not new, but then neither are the feelings it names. Thanks for making the journey with me this Advent.

A Faraway Christmas

As we gather together on this Silent Night,
To sing ‘round the tree in the soft candlelight,

From a Faraway Christmas, from time that’s grown cold,
Comes a story, you see, that has seldom been told.

Of all of the legends, the best and the worst,
From Christmases all the way back to the first,

This little tale isn’t often remembered
From then until now, down through all those Decembers.

But I found an old copy tucked away on a shelf,
And I turned through the pages and I thought to myself,

Of all of the times between now and then
This is the Christmas to hear it again.

Once upon a time in a place we might know,
‘Cause their woods, like ours, often fill up with snow,

Was a small little hamlet — a Long Ago Town —
Of no great importance, or no real renown,

Filled with people who seemed fairly normal to me,
With names like Francesca, Francine, and McGee.

They had puppies and children, ate bread and ice cream,
They went shopping and swimming, they slept and they dreamed;

They laughed and did laundry, they danced and they dined,
And they strung Christmas lights on the big Scottish Pine

That grew in the square in the middle of town,
And when Christmas was over, they took the lights down.

They read the newspaper, they sometimes told jokes,
And some of the children put cards in the spokes

Of their bicycle tires, so they made quite a din
Till it came time for parents to call the kids in.

Yet for all of the things that kept people together,
The nice festive feeling, the Christmas Card weather,

For all of the happiness one was likely to hear,
This Faraway Christmas was marked, mostly, by fear.

Well, yes, they were frightened — but that’s still overstated;
What bothered folks most really could be debated.

Some were tired (exhausted), some were sad or depressed,
Some — the best way to say it — well, their lives were a mess.

Some felt pressure from not having paid all the bills,
Some were keeping dark secrets that were making them ill;

Some felt guilty and thought they were headed for hell,
But the town seemed so happy, who could they tell?

So everyone kept all their feelings inside,
And wished they had someone in whom to confide,

To say, “Life is lousy,” or “I’ve made a mistake,”
Or “Sometimes I’m so sad I don’t want to awake,”

Or “I miss my Grandma,” or “I loved my cat,”
Or “I never, no never get my turn at bat.”

Everyone kept it in, no one said a thing
Until once Christmas Eve, when the man they called Bing

Came to turn on the lights on the tree in the square
And nobody — not anyone — no one was there,

And he looked at the lights as he sat on the curb
And he said — to no one — “I feel quite disturbed;

“I know that it’s Christmas, when I should feel warm,
But I don’t think this year that I can conform.

It’s been hardly two months since my friend passed away;
How can I smile when he’s not here to say,

“’Merry Christmas’?” he asked and burst into tears,
And all of the sadness from all of the years

Came out of his eyes and ran down his cheeks,
And he thought he would sit there and blubber for weeks.

When Samantha showed up — she had not been expected —
And sat down beside him ‘cause he looked neglected.

He looked up through his tears, she said, “You look kinda bad.”
And he answered, “The truth is I feel quite sad.”

When she heard those words, tears jumped straight to her eyes,
“The truth is,” she said, “I tell too many lies.

I want people to like me, so I try to act cool,
But deep down inside I feel just like a fool.”

So they sat there and cried, like a sister and brother,
And were joined by one, and then by another,

With a story to tell and feelings to free,
And they wept and they hugged ‘neath the big Christmas Tree.

Can you imagine how many tears fell,
After all of the years that no one would tell

How much they were hurting, how broken or mad,
How long they had smiled when they really felt sad.

How long does it take to clean out your heart,
To get it all out, to make a new start?

That answer’s not easy to you and to me,
But they found out that night, those folks ‘round the tree.

They cried until daybreak, till the first rays of dawn
Broke over the tree tops and spread ‘cross the lawn,

In the new morning light Bing could see ‘cross square;
He also could see the whole town was out there.

They had come through the night, first one, then another
To sit down together like sister and brother

To pour out their hearts for the first time in years,
And let out their feelings, their sadness, their tears.

Samantha stood up and then turned back to Bing,
“You started us crying, now help us to sing.”

So he started a carol, the one he knew best,
About joy to the world, and it burst from his chest.

The others joined in, not because they weren’t sad,
But because they’d admitted the feelings they had,

Everyone sang along, both the sad and the scared,
Because true friends are found when true feelings are shared.

There’s more to the story, but our time is short,
Of how life was changed I cannot now report,

But instead I must ask why this story’s forgotten;
It’s not hopeless or humdrum, it’s not ugly or rotten.

Do you think it’s because people said how they felt,
And if we tell the story then our hearts, too, might melt?

What if we spoke the truth, what if we named our fears,
What if we loosed the sadness we’ve tied up for years?

Would we ever stop crying, would the dawn ever come?
And like those in the story, once the tears had begun

Would we sit on the curb, first one, then another,
And talk about life like sister and brother.

Oh, that is exactly why I chose to tell
This lost little tale we know all too well.

Our world is no different; we’re frightened and sad,
We feel helpless and hopeless, and certainly mad,

But none of those words is the last on this Night
That we wait for the Child, that we pray for the Light,

That we sing of the good news the angels did bring,
And we wish for peace, more than any one thing.

Yes, this story that came from a Long Ago Town
Of no great importance, of no real renown,

Could be ours, if true feelings were what we would say;
And we’d find such a Christmas not so faraway.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: we are the sunshine

Tonight Ginger, Jay, and I sat at Geer Street Garden and, among other things, talked our way through the litany of sadness and grief that grips our world both far and near. We remembered people close to us who are learning to live without those they love, those we are getting close to the end of their days, those who are struggling because they are invisible to much of society, and those who are the victims of violence. None of it was new information. Though the days are beginning to grow longer, the darkness is persistent.

As I drove to work this morning listening to NPR, I was thinking about the same things. These are heavy days. My mind moved to music, thanks to something a friend posted last night on his Facebook. He is facing his first Christmas without his wife. Over the course of the day he posted lyrics from songs they had shared. One of the lines came from James Taylor’s “Something in the Way She Moves.” The remnants of his posts brought to mind another JT song as I wrestled with the weight of the world:

ain’t no doubt in no one’s mind
that love’s the finest thing around
whisper something soft and kind . . . .

Many years ago, Ginger quoted Philo of Alexandria in one of her sermons. The quote is one I have heard many times since, but that Sunday it was fresh and new across all the centuries:

Be kind because everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.

At the time, I worked for a very difficult and mean man. I felt persecuted and righteously indignant at the same time, which set me up to get caught in power struggles. Taking the quote to heart meant working to understand more of who he was, which was a broken, defensive, and troubled person. My understanding didn’t make him less mean, but it did change me.

By the time I parked my car in the employee section of the mall parking lot and began my hike to the computer store, I was flipping through the juke box of my mind for kindness songs. The first was one by Jesse Colin Young from my high school days that is seared in my memory because it was one of the first I learned on my guitar. The opening lines say,

love is but a song to sing
fear’s the way we die

For a nation as privileged and powerful as we are, we are a society gripped and driven by fear. The messages that come from much of the media and many of our elected officials play on that fear, even foment it. What they fail to remind us, for the most part, is that fear is a choice, and a lousy one at that. Fear does not bind us together, draw us closer, or help us to grow. Fear tells us there is no way out.

Love trumps fear. Even Jesse Colin Young knew that (even when he knew little of inclusive language)

come on people now
smile on your brother
everybody get together
try to love one another right now

When we first moved to Boston we had a chance to hear David Wilcox sing several times. One of his oldies but goodies is a song called “Sunshine on the Land.” That was my next parking lot hit because when he did it live in those days he would tag on the chorus to “Get Together.”

I went to see an old friend
who was soon to pass away
he said, “My life has been so good to me
now I’ve still got one more day”
now he said that as he watched the morning sun
and then he smiled my way
because he said that every morning
he’d lived his life that way

he said, “I am the sunshine
you are the sunshine
we are the sunshine
help me understand
we are the sunshine on the land”

Here in the darkness, we are the sunshine. I met a woman yesterday at the computer store whose company is called The Giving Child. When she became aware that mothers on food stamps or WIC were not allowed to use their assistance money to buy diapers for their infants, she decided to do what she could. She started a clothing company with the commitment that for each piece of clothing she sold she would donate a week’s supply of diapers to someone who needed them. We are the sunshine.

Tonight I found another song from one of my favorite prophets, Billy Bragg, who leaned into some old words he found. I’ll let him take us out.

in the Bible, we are told
God gave Moses in the days of old
ten great commandments
for his people to hold true.
but the greatest commandment of all
is in the book of Luke as I recall.
do unto others as you would have them do to you.

now baby you don’t believe
in the story of Adam and Eve,
who called up on science
to prove it’s all untrue.
but in the cold light of the day,
peaceful words still point the way.
do unto others as you would have them do to you.

so just lift up your eyes,
don’t pass by on the other side,
don’t be bound by what you think others may do.
put just a little bit of faith,
and that’s all it really takes.
do unto others as you would have them do to you.

now the way the world is run
too many people looking after number one
don’t seem to notice
the damage that they do.
no, it’s not widely understood
there is, there is a greater good.
do unto others as you would have them do to you.

Be kind. Here in the darkness, we are the sunshine.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: listen . . .

Today was dark and cold here in Durham. I drove to work in the dark early this morning and drove home in the dark this afternoon. In between I heard snippets of stories that passed for news that were mostly people yelling. Listening does not often get reported as being significant. Yelling makes for good headlines: yelling at the other side, whoever they are.

Every time I started to try and put in my two cents, I couldn’t find the words. All I could hear were lines from Philips Brooks’ Christmas carol:

how silently
how silently
the wondrous gift is given . . . .

There was a lot of listening going on that first Christmas. Perhaps that was what made room for the Christ child to be born.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: the way it is with love

I will tell it to you as it was told to me.10404142_10100323342261441_6290334583224348449_n

Somewhere early in my day I read these words from my friend Olivia, who lives in Boston. She is someone in love with life who looks for ways to feel connected to the world around her. Here’s what she found:

I spotted this on my drive home tonight. A local golf course was making snow and a young couple parked on the side of the road and ran toward it, holding hands. I watched them run around in the artificial snowing, hearing their laughter and sharing their joy. They ran back out a few minutes later, covered in snow and still holding hands. For that is the way it is with love.

A little later in the day, I received an email message from Maggie, a church friend and another New Englander, who had a story of her own. They had gone to dinner with a couple who have been married for a long time. The husband is in the last stages of cancer and is under hospice care. Though his death doesn’t appear to be immediate, it is imminent. Maggie spoke of eating dinner and then sitting down on the sofa afterwards and then she said:

On her coffee table was a sleigh full of Christmas cards.  The outermost card had a beautifully painted winter woods picture.  She told me the story of an old friend of theirs who is an artist.  Every Christmas he sends a card that is a different one of his paintings.  Sixty-five Christmases — sixty-five cards, and she has them all.  I turned the card over.  On the back it said, “This is our last Christmas card.  We hope you have enjoyed them as much as we have enjoyed sending them.” Sitting there with our friends knowing this is surely their last Christmas; it was sobering to say the least.  But beautiful as well.  She mentioned they had been married sixty-five years as well.  “Sixty-five years, sixty-five cards.”

I imagine the couple in the snow have close to six decades to catch up with the couple who has shared a lifetime together and yet both know something about the way it is with love, from stopping by a golf course on a snowy evening to keeping promises down to the very last day. From somewhere in between those two points, I wrote a song for Ginger some years ago (that has yet to be recorded) that tried to imagine a lifetime from the vantage point of two who had collected only a few years together. The chorus says,

this is the story of two common hearts
that started out young and grew old
they have practiced a lifetime
the waltz of a well-worn love

The trajectory of life moves from beginning to end. In between there is time to chase snowflakes and collect Christmas cards, to make fools of ourselves, hang on for dear life, and think of every possible way we can to say we love one another.

That is the way it is with love.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: good measure

I can show you a cup of flour,
or a pound of sugar, and

I’ve gotten pretty good at
scooping a two ounce cookie,

but I am at a loss to quantify
how heavy grief is,

how long a heart stays broken,
the depth of damage done,

how far it is to forgiveness,
the speed of the sound of loneliness —

even as I strain to comprehend
how a heart like yours

can hold a galaxy of grace,
how sorrow becomes weightless

in the gravity of your love,
how home is as close as you

calling my name in the dark
calling my name . . .

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: dinner together

If you have followed this blog for any length of time, or if you have read Keeping the Feast: Metaphors for the Meal, you know about Thursday Night Dinner. We gather each week with friends around our table for no other reason than to be around the table together. OK, so it also gives me a chance to try new things and have fun in the kitchen since I don’t cook in a restaurant any more. But even the cooking is aimed at us being together. The point of a good meal is to create a memory.

Ginger and I have had some kind of dinner gathering once a week for most of our marriage, and mostly on Thursday nights. In our years here on Trinity Avenue the dinners have taken on a new life. Some of it, I think, is because of Durham. This is a town filled with people for whom being together is a primary value. As I have said many times, it is the most encouraging place I have ever lived. Some of it is our big old house that feels as though it was built with open arms. From our first night in this place we felt at home. But most of it has to do with who sits around our table from week to week. Our dream has always been to have an open table where we can invite new people into the circle. Alongside of that dream, we have a Durham family of regulars for whom Thursday Night Dinner is as much a part of their lives as it is ours. They come early to help cook, they stay late to wash dishes, and in between we sit around the table and share our weeks and our lives.

We have gathered together to celebrate and to grieve. I suppose I would do better to find a way to say both of those are ongoing activities. We celebrate and grieve together on a weekly basis. John Berger says, “It is on the site of loss that hopes are born.” Around our table each week we have become midwives of hope. When we clear the table and everyone goes on to whatever tomorrow holds, I feel as though we have helped to give birth to more hope in our world.

As this Thursday night comes to an end, I feel as though if all I had to show for this week was I cooked for and ate dinner with my friends around our table that would be enough. I only wish the table were bigger.

Peace
Milton

advent journal: without

One of my favorite Pierce Pettis songs begins, “The presence of your absence follows me.” The song has played in the background of my week because tomorrow, December 18, will mark five years since my dear friend David Gentiles died.

I could say many things about David, but maybe this will give you an idea: after five years, his Facebook page is still active because those he loved and encouraged have continued to talk to him. And those he loved and encouraged are legion. I am one of them.

For most of the month I have thought we were marking four years, but the other night as I was digging back through memories I realized it has been five years without him here on the planet. Life has gone on. All of his family and friends have waked up and lived and loved and hurt and missed him. And we are not alone. Most everyone we meet is living through the day after and the day after that, stringing together weeks and months lived in the presence of a palpable absence. The more days we live, the larger the cloud of witnesses, the more of those with whom we are without.

Tonight there are Pakistani parents who are living without their children, alongside of parents in Sudan, Sandy Hook, and Ferguson. A colleague at work who is in her twenties spent today at her father’s memorial service. One of our church members was back Sunday from her father’s funeral. The longer we live, the more grief becomes our most common currency.

We have much in my life for which to be grateful, not the least of which are the friends, family, and even acquaintances that fill each scene, that give us a chance to feel connected, challenged,and loved. Everyday we are called to be together, to invest ourselves in one another, to connect, to love, to be with each other, even as we understand one day we will be without.

Such is the risk, the cost of love.

It’s worth it.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: singing in the dark

Going to the mall each day means being inundated with holiday music — well, the same ten songs. I thought tonight I might offer a soundtrack that has found me in these days. Talking about Patty Griffin’s “Mary” a couple of days ago set me to thinking. My list is by no means exhaustive, nor is it traditional, as far as Christmas music is concerned, but these are songs to learn and sing. Together.

Paul Simon’s most recent album holds a song called “Getting Ready for Christmas Day.”

Getting ready, oh we’re getting ready
For the power and the glory and the story of the
Christmas Day

To say Steve Earle has a Christmas song might be surprising to some. He actually has two. “Christmastime in Washington” remains powerful and current, but tonight I want to point to “Nothing but a Child.”

Nothing but a child could wash these tears away
Or guide a weary world into the light of day
And nothing but a child could help erase these miles
So once again we all can be children for awhile

Somewhere along the way I picked up Over the Rhine’s record, “Snow Angel.” One of the songs is called “Here It Is.”

somewhere down the road well lift up our glass
and toast the moment and the moments past
the heartbreak and laughter, the joy and the tears
the scary, scary beauty of whats right here
I’m wrappin’ up my love this Christmas
and here it is

Though it is not a Christmas song, James Taylor’s setting of Reynolds Price’s text, “New Hymn,” is hauntingly comforting, even as it is disquieting.

Till our few atoms blow to dust
or form again in wiser lives
or find your face and hear our name
in your calm voice the end of night
if dark may end.
Wellspring gold of dark and day,
be here, be now.

Emmylou Harris’ record Light of the Stable has long been one of my favorites. The last verse of the title track says,

Come now, there it shines so bright
To the knowing light of the stable
Lean close to the child so dear
Cast aside your fear and be thankful


Hallelujah.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: saints of diminished capacity

I have been going back through some poems I wrote several years ago. My intention was not to repeat them, necessarily, but a couple of them have taken hold in new ways and feel as though they are worth bringing to light once more. I needed these words tonight. I hope they find you, too.

saints of diminished capacity

I only saw the words written,
requiring me to infer tone;
to assume either compassion
or conceit; to decide if the poet
mimed quotation marks when
he said, “diminished capacity,” —
or saints, for that matter —
if he even said the words out loud.

Either way, the phrase is
fragrant with failure, infused
with what might have been,
what came and went,
what once was lost . . .
and now is found faltering,
struggling, stumbling,
still hoping, as saints do,
failure is not the final word.

Forgiveness flows best from
brokenness; the capacity for
love is not diminished by
backs bowed by pain, or
hearts heavy with grief.
Write this down: the substance
of things hoped for fuels
those who walk wounded:
we are not lost; we are loved.

Peace,
Milton