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lenten journal: night vision

night vision
for Nathan Brown, Poet Laureate of the Apocalypse, on his birthday

the moon was up
before darkness
fell round and bright
like the Pixar lamp
that turns and looks

then it made room
for a night-sky filled
with tiny desk lamps
casting light for one
tired poet and another

or maybe they are
street lamps on milky
ways of metaphors
not to chase the dark
away but to dance

most of those lights
died out long ago
but the news has
not reached us yet
more grief to come

so the poets work
late into the night
to find the words
the names of what
has been lost

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: evening prayer

evening prayer

the world is quiet in our town
the moon shines through clouds
as if God is under the covers
reading with a flashlight

I can hear no bombs
or see any tracer rockets
no buildings are burning
no one has to hide to be safe

I have done nothing to earn
this quiet peaceful night
that I am here and not there
is an accident of lineage

perhaps of privilege
is a better way to say it
so I pray for the Ukrainians
as if it makes a difference

but the longer this goes on
I feel my prayers expand
to wish our leaders had
Zelenskyy’s courage

I don’t have much hope
that prayer will be answered
then I feel my anger rise to
say I wish Putin would die

I would rather him die
than those who were doing
nothing more than living
when the bombs hit

the world is quiet in our town
and I am sad and angry and
bitter and disappointed
in our leaders, our country

we need to do more than
wait till things are over so
we can build a memorial
that God can read in the dark

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: biscuit king

“No one cries over artificial flowers.”–Peter Coyote

biscuit king

by the time we moved to durham
the biscuit king had ended his reign

sunny side up was our breakfast joint
in guilford till they closed down

in charlestown collier’s market made
the best cheeseburger sub evah

I can chronicle my life in closed
down restaurants it seems

gonza tacos y tequila, lori ann donuts
greenville avenue country club

the hop in fort worth, good eats too
american meltdown food truck

I could keep listing them but it’s
no fun without telling the stories

the best thing about cooking
other than who you eat with

is that you know you’re making
temporary stuff on purpose

part of what makes it taste good
is that you run out of food

loss has a lingering flavor
memory is a shared hunger

so tonight I will savor the
biscuit I never got to have

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: opposition

opposition

“If war has an opposite, gardens might sometimes be it . . .”
–Rebecca Solnit, Orwell’s Roses

I used to have a poster that said
“peace, like war, is waged”
and it made sense then
but now I don’t want to be a
part of anything like war

so when solnit says gardens
are sometimes the opposite
of war I want to plant but
is it enough to say, “I see your
war and I’ll raise a tomato”

our ground is too cold for
seedlings but the garlic
we planted last november
has begun to peek through
the layers of dead leaves

one variety is a red garlic
with roots that run to lands
not far from the fighting
a taste of together in the
middle of all that is broken

what the garden knows
that war does not believe
is that we are all connected
it matters to pray and plant
even if I am far away from

those who are huddled
in basements or hoping to
be transplanted to safety
I don’t know how it matters
but I want to trust the flowers

a garden will not stop a war
that’s not what opposites do
they paint a different picture
a hope that grows and feeds
midst the shrapnel in the soil

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: morning glories

Barely a week into my Lenten Journal and I am already missing days.

One of the reasons is good. A longtime friend came to town for a few days and I spent the evenings talking with him instead of writing. But he’s been gone a couple of days and my depression took over responsibility for my absence. These are heavy days for a number of reasons, work in particular, and I am doing what I can.

I am grateful for my interim pastorate in Westbrook for several reasons, but today I am grateful because it gets me back to writing since I have to have a sermon for tomorrow. None of the lectionary passages inspired me so I chose a passage from Luke between last week and next week that is not included in the lectionary cycle: the parables of the mustard seed and the yeast (Luke 13:18-21).

It ended up being a helpful journey for me.

_____________________________

One of the things I love to do is dig around in our vegetable garden. When I say “our,” I’m talking about the plot behind our house, which is adjacent to the church parking lot, where a group from First Church Guilford dig and plant and harvest in our communal garden, which is available for anyone who either wants to work or needs some of what we are growing. Last summer we shared close to three hundred pounds of vegetables with folks fr/om our community and local food banks. And we ate well ourselves. We also grow flowers in the middle of the vegetables not only because they are pretty but also because they are necessary to attract the pollinators that help keep the garden healthy because the garden is a lot like our lives: it is never about one plant; the health of everything depends on everything else. The garden is an incredible web of relationships–just like life.

Tom has been my gardening buddy for the last five summers. My standard line is I put things in the ground and hope for the best, but Tom actually knows what we are doing. I’ve learned a great deal from him over the years. One of the things I’ve learned is that creative is better than perfect. We have beds marked out and we think about where and what we plant from season to season, but it’s not pristine. If a volunteer tomato plant comes up in the middle of the green beans, we just stake it and let it grow. Three or four years ago, he carried around a little container of morning glory seeds and planted them here and there. Each summer since, more and more of them have shown up without us having to plant anything new. They are everywhere.

I thought about those morning glories as I pondered our passage for today.

Right before Jesus told these two parables, people were questioning both his method and his motives. He wasn’t playing by the rules. He didn’t pay attention to the things that good holy people should be doing. To return to my gardening example, they seemed more concerned that the beds were clean and weed free than they were about what was growing in them. Finally, Jesus said, when it comes to the way God works in the world, think of a mustard seed. It’s small, but it grows into something big that gives birds a place to land. Or think about yeast. It only takes a little to leaven “three measures” of flour. (By our measurements today, that would be over four hundred cups of flour. I’m not sure what the woman was baking.)

In both examples, something small has huge implications.

I can’t tell you how many sermons and commentaries on this passage that stayed right there: one small act of kindness (or one seemingly small insult) can make a huge difference. And that’s an important word to live by, but Jesus is never that straightforward in his parables, and he didn’t tell these two stories in response to someone saying the details didn’t matter. In fact, he was responding to people who were incredibly picky about the details. They didn’t think he should have healed a little girl because it was the sabbath and healing counted as working.

Which brings me back to the morning glories in our garden.

The mustard plant Jesus was talking about was as invasive as the morning glories. It didn’t stay in nice neat rows. It blew with the wind. It traveled with the birds who perched on it when it was grown. It persisted in the soil and showed up wherever it wanted to. Though it had some medicinal uses, it was not an essential plant to the people of Jesus’ time. As much as I love seeing the morning glories, I will confess that after three or four summers of their being in the garden they come up in lots of places where we don’t want them to be, and no matter how much we pull them up, they just keep coming.

Jesus’ use of yeast as an example of how the realm of God spreads in the world is the same kind of story. The woman in the story wasn’t tearing open a little package like we get at the grocery store. She had a little mess of fermentation that she added to the flour. The difference in this story is she meant to put the yeast in the flour, whereas no one was planting mustard.

But in the Hebrew scripture, yeast is a symbol of sin. That’s why at Passover Jewish people remove it from their houses and eat unleavened bread. Perhaps Jesus imagined the yeast affecting such a large amount of flour not because the woman ran a bakery or something, but because, once again, he was saying that the Spirit of God runs over, spills out, goes all over the place.

My first memory of the power of yeast happened when I was a boy. As I have told you, I grew up in Africa. My mother decided she was going to make hamburgers, but they didn’t sell hamburger buns in the grocery store in Lusaka, Zambia. So she decided she would make them. She found a recipe in one of her cookbooks and made the dough, but the detail she missed was how much the dough would rise. She made each bun the size she wanted them to be when they were finished cooking. Instead, she ended up with four really big hamburger buns–big enough that she was able to cut one of them into quarters to make the burgers for her, my dad, my brother, and me. What she thought would make four buns fed us for days, which was not something she was expecting.

But then, we are getting a good bit of practice living with the unexpected.

After two years of the pandemic and some hint that we may be coming out from under the worst of it, one of the unexpected things is that we have a lot of reasons to be despondent about the future of the church right now. And when I say we I am speaking about a much larger group than the folks in this room or the members of this congregation. As we look at the days ahead, congregations across this country are unsure of what is going to happen. Many are wondering if they will survive for much longer or wondering if they will recognize themselves in a year or two.

The difficult reality is we don’t know the answers to those questions.

What the parables offer us is hope—an uncomfortable hope, but still hope—and that is that God’s presence in the world will keep showing up like yeast and mustard and morning glories. That presence may not be in the places where we have always found it, and God may not show up in ways that are comfortable. It may mean some things that we value and love will have to run their course for us to see where God is leading us. That’s another way of saying death has to come before resurrection. Sometimes God’s presence will feel nourishing like fresh-baked bread, and sometimes it will feel challenging, like uninvited morning glories, but what these parables say is that the realm of God is coming up all over the place. And Jesus said it as though it was good news and hard news all at the same time.

After he told these parables, one of the disciples asked him how many people would be saved and Jesus told another parable about the wide road and the narrow gate and how few people would choose the narrow gate, as if to say that even though they were drawing big crowds only a few folks would be the ones to catch on to the way God was at work in the world. His analogy makes me think of Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s words:

Earth’s crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God. But only [those] who [see take] off [their] shoes; The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

God is at work in wonderful, imaginative, and subversive ways. We must choose if we will perceive God’s presence as invasive or invitational. We have to choose if we will be those who disrupt our world like mustard plants and yeast, whether we will be those willing to let the Spirit of God to catch us by surprise.

Maybe this is a better way to say it: let us choose to be morning glories. Amen.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: the grace of never mind

the grace of never mind

the oceans are rising
the sky is falling
I am careening through
an obstacle course
of obligations and
overdue whatevers
I have unread e-mail
unanswered notifications
unwashed laundry
and unmade recipes
everything’s important
and requires my attention
then there’s ukraine
and war and washington
have you seen today’s headline
I’m not sure I want to
but the guns and the walls
and injustice rolling down
I need to fill up the tank
and answer some texts
get ready for tomorrow
remember . . . something
it’s a lot to ask, I know, but
can we go for a walk?

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: and now, the temptations

As I say in the opening paragraph of my sermon for the first Sunday in Lent, to preach about the temptations made me want to listen to the Temptations.

so, round and around and around we go
where the world’s headed, nobody knows
oh, great googa-looga, can’t you hear me talking to you
just a ball of confusion
oh yeah, that’s what the world is today

I’m not sure I cleared up much of the confusion, but here’s the sermon.

_______________________

One of the great things about working on a sermon about the temptations of Jesus is that just about any time I sat down to read or think about it, I had a sudden urge to listen to Motown music. The Temptations have played in my head all week: “My Girl,” “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg,” “Ball of Confusion,” and “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” I had an image of Jesus in the wilderness with backup singers.

It’s not how it actually went down in the desert, but it was a fun trip for me.

Luke says, “Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan (from his baptism) and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil.”

It’s an odd sequence of events: the Spirit led him into the desert to be tempted by the devil. The word “tempted” can also be translated as “put to the test” or “put through a trial.” That helps me because “tempted” sends my mind thinking about how much I think about getting an ice cream cone whenever I shop at Bishop’s Orchards, or how I can hear the Salt and Vinegar potato chips calling me when I’m in the supermarket.

Jesus has more at stake in this text than blowing his calories for the day.

We have talked several times about how often Jesus seems to be trying to get away from the crowds to pray. Perhaps that desire came from these days in the desert. On the heels of his baptism, he went off by himself to be with God and, in the process, he had to come to terms with himself.

The genius of the temptations is not that they offered Jesus a whole different life, or even a chance to run away from responsibility. What they offered was a different version of himself–a lesser version. Instead of one who would use his miracles to heal and to teach, he could use them for personal gain. Instead of speaking truth to power, he could ally with those in charge to gain power for himself. Instead of facing suffering, he could use his privilege to avoid it and be on easy street.

And the temptations were not a one-time occurrence. It was not as though Jesus never had to stare down these options again once he returned to town. We might stay the temptations stayed with him for the whole tour. The tests he faced in the wilderness were examples of what he faced almost every day: to use who he was and what he could do as a way to make his life more comfortable and powerful.

And, though we may not be able to make bread out of rocks, they are temptations we face as well because they are invitations to live as though life doesn’t cost us anything.

One of the shows I like to watch is Top Chef. It is a reality shows that brings young chefs from all over the country and they go through various cooking challenges to see who can come out on top. At the end of every episode, one chef is eliminated until only one is left standing. Each episode starts with a “Quickfire Challenge” that focuses on a particular skill or ingredient. The winner of that challenge gets immunity in the following “Elimination Challenge,” which usually involves preparing a larger dish.

It’s a big deal to have immunity, I’m sure. But here’s what I have noticed: the chef who has immunity rarely does well in the Elimination Challenge. Either they just kind of coast along or they decide to risk so much that they lose their sense of who they are. The chefs that shine are those who have something at stake.

We are truer to God and to ourselves when we live as though something is at stake.

Because something is at stake. The temptation to think otherwise is a lie.

After he came out of the wilderness, Jesus went to Nazareth, his hometown—another place where people had ideas about who he should be—and read these verses from Isaiah:

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
God has sent me to proclaim release to the captives
and recovery of sight to the blind,
to let the oppressed go free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

By the time the service was over, they ran him out of town because he was not who they wanted him to be. Jesus went back to Galilee and, as the crowds gathered again and again, kept trying to get off by himself to pray.

He had to keep listening to the Spirit to remember who he was and what he was called to do.

I was talking with a friend this week because we are both facing challenges at work that are leaving us with some tough decisions. He quoted wisdom from another friend who said, “We either choose our losses or we lose our choices,” which resonates with Jesus’ words that we have to lose our lives to find them. When we are willing to risk beyond what feels safe or comfortable, we see things in ourselves and in our world that we did not see before. We create possibilities. One of the ways we plot the resurrection is by letting things die so something new can come to life.

That sounds simple and it’s not. To choose our losses is messy and painful and hopeful and scary. But it is also true and beautiful and hard. The forty days of Lent are symbolic of Jesus’ forty days in the wilderness. May these days define us as much as those days defined him. Amen.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: winter wonderland

winter wonderland

I think winter gets a bad rap
it gets blamed for the
days getting shorter

but that is autumn’s fault
every day of winter is
a little longer than the last

yes, it’s cold but I like the cold
it’s also chili and cornbread
build a fire bundle up

people ask if my depression
is worse in the winter
no spring is the hardest time

the equinox makes me edgy
somehow the daffodils seem
to knock me in the dirt

the weight of the world makes
resurrection hard to take
can I say that out loud

I’ll miss winter even though
I’m dying to plant vegetables
life is not explained by seasons

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: I’m glad we’re friends

When I woke up this morning, I had notification of a text message a dear friend had sent while I was sleeping. She had written about my blog post from Ash Wednesday and she closed her note with these words:

Your words helped me. You have a wonderful heart and brain, even though I know they give you trouble sometimes. I’m glad we’re friends.

I wrote back to say how much her words meant and explained,

I have been reading about the ways in which both Isaac Newton and Albert Eistein’s revelations were fueled by their pathologies, if not mental illnesses. had Newton not been so wracked with anxiety, he might not have seen what he saw. What one biographer called Einstein’s “schizoid personality” fueled his sense of wonder. I don’t claim to live in their neighborhood, but it helps me look for the eyes my depression offers along with the weight of it all.

The reason I know about Newton and Einsten is I am in the middle of Angela Tilby’s book Soul: God, Self, and the New Cosmology.

As she lays out an historical overview of how our scientific understandings have developed, she points out that Isaac Newton was interested in history more than science and was fascinated by how he could use the Bible to make predictions. “To make sense of this,” she says, “we have to come to terms with the fact that the primary force of Newton’s life was an attempt, though science and religion, to relieve immense personal anxiety.” She later says,

Newton had ample cause to resent his mother who had abandoned him and his stepfather who had failed to replace the real father he had never known. [Newton’s birth father died when he was a boy.] If creativity has any relationship with childhood loss, then there were plenty of looses for the creative instinct to work on. Science, for Newton, was a spiritual exercise, a way of contemplation and meditation. (56)

And what we remember him for is his uncovering the binding force of the universe.

Albert Einstein’s biographer, Anthony Storr says,

Einstein really did provide a new model of the universe; and, in order to create this, he had to detach himself from the conventional point of view to an extent which is only possible for one who, early in his life, made “leaving out everything subjective” his supreme aim. Such detachment can only be achieved by a person with a predominately schizoid psycho-pathology.

Neither description is complete. Both men were more than the sum of their pathologies or the sum of their successes, or even the mix of both. And I don’t want to romanticize mental illness as happens sometimes when we make a connection between depression and creativity, for instance. Part of me wants to say our wounds offer us the chance to see more compassionately, and perhaps more creatively, but I think that implies some self-reflection and I have no idea how much either scientist was conscious of what was going on inside them.

Then again, I’m not always sure I understand what is going on inside of me. When I read their stories, what hits me is that neither one of them felt like they fit in. That realization takes me from their science to my days in the classroom.

In one year of tenth grade English, I had two students, Joe and Mark, who had grown up together. They sat together in class. Neither one was particularly popular. Joe was like a Labrador puppy of a boy. He came bouncing into class and almost literally bouncing off the walls. About a week into the school year, he pounced into the classroom and asked if he could stand on his head. I figured letting him get the energy out was better than trying to bottle it up, so I told him he could do it until the tardy bell rang, which he did. And then he stayed at his desk the rest of the class. Other days he would come in and ask, “Mr. B-C, can I tell a joke to the class?”

“Tell the joke in your head first and see if you really want me to hear it,” I would reply. I would watch as he told it to himself. Somedays he smiled and said, “Yeah–I can tell this one.” Other days, he smiled and said, “Probably shouldn’t.”

Mark lived with a deep depression that could turn sinister and attacking. Most days, he fumed quietly, but on others I might ask for his homework and he would swear at me. Joe, who sat next to him, would say, “That’s okay, Mr. B-C, I’ll help him.”

That was the only year either of them were in one of my classes. One afternoon during their senior year, I met them in the hall. They were both getting close to graduation. Joe had grown into himself a bit more, and Mark had as well. When I asked how he was doing, he told me therapy and meds had made a difference.

I pointed to Phil and said, “I think your friend here saved your life. He took good care of you.”

Mark nodded. “Yes,” he said. “I know.”

Joe grinned at his friend. I wanted to stand on my head.

That memory brought me full circle to the text from my friend this morning. In a world that is more than we can comprehend, sometimes even more than we can take, I’m grateful for these words:

I’m glad we’re friends.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: stardust

I was in fourth grade in Lusaka, Zambia when Ms. Reedy started reading A Wrinkle in Time to our class as a reward for getting our daily work done early. I had never heard anything like it. Not only did it make me a lifetime Madeleine L’Engle fan, but it let me live with the notion that I could grasp something about science and space that mattered, even though I wasn’t that much of a scientist. That book made me believe the universe is made of stories.

I was in ninth grade at Nairobi International School the first time I heard Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young sing,

we are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon,
and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

It would be a number of years before I learned that Joni Mitchell was the one who wrote those words. It would be even longer before I began to understand there was more to what she was singing than just a flower child’s dream. She was talking quantum theology–or so it seems to me as a sixty-five year old in Guilford, Connecticut reading Race and the Cosmos by Barbara Howard and Soul: God, Self, and the New Cosmology by Angela Tilby. I feel like Ms. Reedy and Madeleine are close by.

Joni was telling the truth: we are stardust. We are created in the image of God, the One who named themselves the verb To Be, the Spirit (the foundational, sustaining energy in everything). And we’ve got to get ourselves back in touch with that wherever we are. Barbara Howard takes the music of the spheres a step further, pointing to the ways in which the myths of ancient cultures appear to already know what (Western) scientists are uncovering–that music and stories are at the heart of our hope:

One recent awareness of the hum of the earth and the vibrations of our own inner energy speak to the dynamism of a universe that is stranger than we imagine. In the realm of quantum mechanics, as particles dance in chaotic but harmonious patterns, one wonders how the elders kew that music, dance, and storytelling were intrinsic to an indivisible world of experience, relationships, and science. Science speaks of a universe that vibrates and hums with energy; religion speaks of a God who also weeps and sings. (109)

Over the last few springs and summers working in our communal church garden, I have learned about the host of conversations going on in the soil as living beings from bugs to beans, mushrooms and weeds, trees and tomatoes talk to each other, share nutrients, and create a vibrant web of relationship that can reach for miles. The string theory of quantum physics imagines that the fundamental building blocks of everything are tiny, vibrating, looped strings. Everything, whether you are talking about planets or puppies, humans or hammers or hippos. All of our lives go on in endless song. Dale Pond, who studies something called “sympathetic vibrating physics,” says,

Genesis records God as having said Light into Being but perhaps it would be more accurate to say God sang Light into being as the prelude to our cosmic dance. (109)

Howard finishes the thought by saying, “The cultures of the two-thirds world bring these concepts into harmony through ritual and myth.”

All of these things were humming in my head as I prepared for our Ash Wednesday ritual, the first in two years where we could actually share the ashes. The previous interim pastor had saved the palm fronds from last year, so this afternoon I turned them into ashes, with help from a couple of YouTube tutorials, since I had never done it before and it involved fire. As the smoke rose from the bowl of burning leaves, I thought about ancient fires. As I got out of the car at church, it was dark enough to see Orion climbing over the steeple as I walked in carrying my container of stardust. In my notebook, I had this poem from Jan Richardson:

So let us be marked
not for sorrow.
And let us be marked
not for shame.
Let us be marked
not for false humility
or for thinking
we are less
than we are

but for claiming
what God can do
within the dust,
within the dirt,
within the stuff
of which the world
is made,
and the stars that blaze
in our bones,
and the galaxies that spiral
inside the smudge
we bear.

After we had sung and prayed and I read the poem, I stood at the front and people lined up to come forward. We were all masked, but I could still dip my thumb in the dark mystery of the ashes and oil and mark their foreheads as I said,

“From stardust you came and to stardust you will return.”

I was smiling the whole time, even though no one could see.

Peace,
Milton