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lenten journal: vocabulary

One of the people who has mentored me through her writing over many, many years is Madeleine L’Engle, going all the way back to Ms. Reedy at the Lusaka International School reading A Wrinkle in Time to us at the end of the day if we finished our work. One of the sentences that has stuck with me from her nonfiction work, and that rises to the surface every so often is her observation that during wartime our vocabulary shrinks. I’m haunted by the sentence I think because I feel as though our American vocabulary, particularly in public discourse, has continued to shrink over my lifetime. We have lived as a people constantly at war, if not with someone or something else, then with ourselves. As a nation, war comes close to be our defining metaphor.

I thought about L’Engle’s observation when I read this paragraph from bell hooks:

This is why it has been difficult to honestly talk about race. We are surrounded by a profound silence about race. And the talk we hear, the public talk about race is usually a pouring of gasoline on the fire. Most of it does nothing to end racism. It’s the profound silence that we live within because we lack a language that is complex enough. Our task as people who love justice is to create that language.

To wage peace requires a more versatile vocabulary than us and them. For justice to be restorative, we need to expand the language of forgiveness and reconciliation. To create community, we must work together to find a more expansive articulation of inclusion.

Our task as people who love justice is to create that language. That sentence reminds me of the early days of HBO and Rich Hall’s Sniglets, which were words that were not in the dictionary but should be. For example:

Accordionated (ah kor’ de on ay tid) – adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
Bovilexia (bo vil eks’ e uh) – n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell “Moo!” every time you pass a cow.
Exaspirin (eks as’ prin) – n. Any bottle of pain reliever with an impossible-to-remove cotton wad at the top.

I spent many an afternoon with the kids from my youth group trying to come up with sniglets of our own. Though our intent was frivolous and humorous, the practice of looking for what needs to be named matters. John begins his gospel by saying, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” As people created in the image of the Creator, we are called to create and make things more complex, to find the words we don’t have and speak them.

In another section of the book hooks says,

Creativity is not quiet . . . . The root meaning of the word ecstasy is to stand outside—that’s what creativity does, it allows the creator to move beyond the self into a place of transcendent possibility—that place in the imagination where all is possible. And in that process one is both moved beyond measure and awed. 

It’s true that our dictionary grows every year. Some of the words are created to explain technological advances, others are slang or cultural colloquialisms. Many in the media and in politics have mastered the art of the euphemism, which has less to do with being creative than it does providing something to hide behind. The business world often fashions words into new usage (I almost wrote they bully the words) in an attempt to make the language more pragmatic. (Please tell me why we now “gift” someone something, when we have been able to give it to them all along.)

None of that is what I am talking about. To move to a place of transcendent possibility is to move together, to talk together, to listen to one another. We have etymological work to do as well, learning from one another what connections we make between words—normal, gender, dominant, equality, to name a few—as well as the history of the words’ impact. If I am going to speak the language of love and justice, then I must think about what my words mean to my hearers and not assume they understand them the same as I do. Here in lies one level of the messy, deliberate, frustrating, hopeful, galvanizing work of building community and making peace.

And I think it is less about making up new words than it is coming to terms with words we have and learning how to speak the truth in love. To learn those words, I have to step out of my circle, read books that do more than affirm what I already know, listen to those whose presuppositions about life and faith and race and whatever else are not the same as mine, and leave a few of my questions with them. These are not conversations that are going to take place on the twenty-four hour news channels; their vocabularies are shrinking on purpose. We must share our words in coffee shops and churches, around dinner tables and on street corners. We must become subversive vocabularies determined to learn and share a language worthy and capable of the community we want to create.

As King Lear said,

The weight of these sad times we must obey;
speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

Word.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: thankful

“As we dedicate ourselves to one another, and thus experience daily and directly the diverse array of gifts that contribute to our living, gratitude will take its rightful place as the fundamental disposition that guides and forms our ways.” — P. Travis Kroeker

“Communities of care are sustained by rituals of regard.” — bell hooks

thankful

we get our best view of the world
when we are turned toward each other;
say it again, and then again,
until it is deep ritual:
repetitive significance
that bores its way into the core
of our beings, planting the seeds
of gratitude that will become
the stuff of earth that matters most—
our fundamental disposition.
this is who we are at our best:
not the same but all together,
thankful we are here together;
say it again, and then again
until it is deep in your bones.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: intention

My friend Claudia is an artist and graphic designer here in town. We get together about once a month for lunch. Besides just hanging out and catching up, she brings some sort of drawing and I bring a poem and we swap them with each other. The idea is then she goes home and paints whatever she sees in the poem and I write about what I find in the painting. We still don’t know where the project is taking us, but we are having fun on the journey together, which was our intention.

We meet for lunch at the same place each time: Old Havana Sandwich Shop, which is one of my favorite places in Durham not only because of the amazing pork dishes, but also because of Elizabeth and Roberto who own it. They are good at what they do and they are good people. Their restaurant is a labor of love, and they have worked hard to make it one of Durham’s treasures. This past week, they planted their first crops on their farm that will be connected to the restaurant. The journey has not always been easy, yet they have kept moving forward with grace and focus.

I went a bit early for lunch because I was hoping to get to talk to Roberto, mostly because I love talking to him. He has a kind and dedicated spirit, always ready to offer a hopeful word. I also love to talk to him because he is usually trying something knew, or has something to share that he has learned, and that usually means I get to taste something really good.When I got there he invited me to come back into the kitchen so he could keep working while we chatted. He slow roasts about one hundred and fifty pounds of pork a day, and roasts the whole hog. While we talked, he was taking the meat from the bones and preparing it to go to the service line.

He worked deliberately and carefully, handling the meat with gentleness and even regard. He kept a steady pace, but was not in a hurry. And there was a place for everything; he wasted nothing. As he worked, he answered my questions about how he used the bones, the rendered lard, and even the skin. He told me one of the women who worked in the kitchen was Mexican and showed him how to make salsa de chicharrones, or pork skin sauce, which requires to take the cooked skin and boil it down with tomatoes and other things until it becomes the consistency of paté. It was a part of the sandwich I had for lunch, and it was so rich and flavorful.

During most of the days this Lent, I have not decided on the word for my Lenten Journal, but as he worked and told stories, I knew today’s word would be intention and I would tell you about Roberto, who infuses his life and his cooking with it. He is a man intent on making his best offering.

After lunch, I met Ginger so we could spend the afternoon reading and writing together, though on separate projects. I went back to bell hooks’ belonging: a culture of place, which I have set aside for a few days, picking up where I left off. The essay I read was about her grandmother, whom she called Baba and who was a quilter. hooks described her and her work:

She was a dedicated quiltmaker—gifted, skillful, playful in her art, making quilts for more than seventy years, even after her “hands got tired” and her eyesight was “quitting.” It is hard to give up the work of a lifetime, and yet she stopped making quilts in the years before her dying. Almost ninety, she stopped quilting. Yet she continued to talk about her work with any interested listener. Fascinated by the work of her hands, I wanted to know more, and she was eager to teach and instruct, to show me how one comes to know beauty and give oneself over to it. To her, quilt making was a spiritual process where one learned surrender. It was a form of meditation where the self was let go. This was the way she learned to approach quilt making from her mother. To her it was an art of stillness and concentration, a work which renewed the spirit.

In the margin next to that paragraph I wrote, “cooking”—and I thought once more about Roberto because how she described her grandmother’s connection to quilting is how I felt watching Roberto cook: it was an art of stillness, concentration, and renewal.

The Latin root of intention is intendre, which means “to stretch toward.” I love the image that creates in my mind. To live with intention is to stretch toward wholeness, toward grace, toward connection, toward excellence, toward love. To watch Roberto cook with intention stretched me to see my day differently, as did hooks telling me about her grandmother incarnating the “ongoing practice of patience, combining spirituality with creative imagination” in her quilting.

With our monthly meeting, Claudia and I are stretching toward being better friends and better artists by creating interdependence, even as we are being fed by Roberto, who cooks with patience and kindness and whose dishes taste like invitations. From both of them I am reminded we are called to stretch toward one another, to live with the intention of creative community.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: respite

I had a day of rest today, thus, today’s word.

respite

it’s the streetside café
that pulls you out
of the crush of people
filling the sidewalk;

it’s the bench in the park
where you can sit
unnoticed with the
disquieting revelation

that the world can
go on without you,
yet expects you will
be back before long;

it’s the first inch of
day lilies pushing to
the light, after taking
the winter off.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: perspective

It’s not hard to find pain around us.

I can name several friends who have marked the anniversary of a parent’s death, some who are facing difficult decisions about their jobs, others dealing with illnesses and uncertain outcomes. That just skims the surface. Pain is common currency, along with disappointment and loss. One of life’s lessons, I suppose, is that pain is woven into the fabric of our existence and is not something other than life.

That’s enough to take in on its own terms. Then I came across these words from Stephen Dunn in The Poet’s Notebook:

What does it mean if you know that a particular disappointment or sadness in your life cannot, relatively speaking, compete for emotional attention with a normal day for a normal person in the Sudan, in Bosnia? Do you write the poem of disappointment differently?

Perspective:

  1. a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view;
  2. a true understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion;
  3. the art of drawing solid objects on a two-dimensional surface so as to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation to each other when viewed from a particular point.

A sense of proportion. I miss my father—and my grief is real, even as I don’t know how it feels for a son whose father has been imprisoned at Guantanamo for who knows how many years without being charged or tried. We hear gunshots in our neighborhood sometimes at night and I never worry about a car bomb going off at the Durham Farmer’s Market on Saturday morning. We feel inconvenienced in going to the grocery store and women in Africa walk miles and miles to get water everyday. The contrast is as obvious as it is tragic, and there is more to perspective than simply ending this paragraph with #firstworldproblems, which is why I like Dunn’s question:

Do you write the poem of disappointment differently?

I heard a speaker, who was working hard to help the audience understand the magnitude of world hunger, paint a picture this way: instead of giving a big number he said, “Imagine a 747 packed full of children crashing every ten minutes all day everyday; that’s how many children die of hunger in our world.” The image was graphic, even evocative, but I didn’t know what to do with it except feel horrified and helpless. I couldn’t get “the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation” to them, if you will. I didn’t know what to do with the distance between those kids and me, between understanding and change.

I look back at the definitions in the earlier paragraph and I see the word can go two directions: a point of view or a sense of proportion. The two are not necessarily synonymous. If my point of view is self-serving, I stand little chance of a “true understanding of the relative importance of things.” I can’t find my place in this world if I am convinced I am the center of it. I won’t be able to grasp what a normal day feels like for a normal person in Iran or Afghanistan, or even across town, if I look with eyes colored by fear.

And—not but—my grief an my disappointment are real. I don’t think Dunn’s question is rhetorical. The pain any of us feel is not measured by competition, as I am reminded by an old favorite, Mary Oliver’s “Wild Geese.”

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Here’s why we write the poem differently: those dying in the streets of Baghdad are family, as are those planting the bombs. We are connected, related, with all the complications and hope that come with those ties. Grief in any language fluently spoken here.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: mosaic

the words are falling
out in twos and threes tonight . . .
a trickle of thought and
thankfulness trying to
keep a promise:
I said I would meet you here,
and bring a word:

mosaic: diverse pieces forming a
more or less coherent whole.

Start with the shiny
shards of my day:
the old woodworker
with an evergreen spirit,
the young teacher
with a student’s soul;
dinner with old friends
who fed us with
the hope of our history—
then I baked cookies.

life is not that sequential—
a collection, instead,
of the details, the tiny
bits of nevermind
that become something
of value all together,
even when the glaze
machine is broken
at Krispy Kreme.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: graceful

Before I left for work today I perused the shelves in my office to find a book to accompany me at lunch. I picked up The Poet’s Notebook: Excerpts from the Notebooks of Contemporary American Poets, which I have had for a long time. I looked to see when I bought it and the inscription said, “October 2000. On the way to Marshfield,” which means I rode with Ginger when she was interviewing at the church there and must have picked it up along the way. I’m guessing I got it at the Borders at Braintree. It’s no longer there.

The premise of the book was to print from the notebooks poets carry with them to jot down ideas, observations, and whatever else they choose to collect. The list of contributors includes Stephen Dunn, Donald Hall, Carolyn Forché, Charles Simic, Mary Oliver, and William Stafford. I flipped back and forth, following no particular order, and then continued the practice when I sat down to write tonight. I stopped when I came to this question in the middle of Mary Oliver’s musings:

Which would you rather be, intellectually deft, or spiritually graceful?

My mind went two very particular places. The first was a scene from Fight Club:

Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I’ve ever met… see I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving…
Tyler Durden: Oh I get it, it’s very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How’s that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up then… Right up.

The second was a song by The Story, a now defunct duo that was Jennifer Kimball and Jonatha Brooke. It is called “Grace in Gravity.” It was the title song to their 1991 album.

what we are and what we were once
are now far estranged

coming to the biggest city
in the dead of summer
you were chosen ’cause you
would not close your eyes.
you danced among the finest–
black and blue in revelation,
a melancholy nothing could describe.

this is grace in gravity
grace in gravity

touring in South Africa
the mountain roads one day with a friend,
visions to the ocean off the coast.
(so blue, so green)
he was white and you are black and
this makes some vague difference after
twisted fire and glass and steel,
you’re silent as they try to explain…

this is grace in gravity
(in another world now)
grace in gravity

and what we are and what we were once
are now far estranged
what we are and what we were once
are now far estranged

your friend is cared for promptly now
but you must travel further to
another saving grace that takes your kind.
this journey marks a step
that no one knew was irreversible,
you say there is forgiveness
and they say you’ll never dance again…

this is grace in gravity
grace in gravity (don’t know where you’re going)
grace in gravity (going, going)
grace in gravity

and what we are and what we were once
are now far estranged
what we are and what we were once
are now far estranged

I heard them sing at Club Passim in Harvard Square soon after the album came out. They said the song was based on a true story of a black ballet dancer who, after a car accident in South Africa, was paralyzed after the ambulance drivers chose to take the dancer’s less gravely injured white companion to a better hospital before they took her for treatment.

you say there was forgiveness . . . .

Deft is a shield; graceful is an invitation.
Deft is a power move; graceful is a risk.
Deft aims to rise; graceful is how you fall.
Deft is alone; graceful is together.

Which would I rather be, intellectually deft, or spiritually graceful?
The question feels like a prayer.

Peace
Milton

lenten journal: paint

Of all the gifts Ginger has given me over our quarter century of living gifts to one another, one that sits high on the list was a iconography classes. Thanks to her ingenuity and thoughtfulness, I got to go once a week to Andover Newton Theological School and work with Christopher Gosey, who was artist in residence as well as both an amazing iconographer and teacher. The gift came while my depression was at its worst and Ginger saw it as a way to offer me a chance to learn a new way of spiritual practice and prayer. She was right.

Chris offered an experience that connected with me on several levels. In the vocabulary of the craft, icons are written, not painted. (I know—tonight’s word is paint; I’m coming back to it.) Icons are also intended to be copied and not signed. The call was to trace from a “cartoon”—a line drawing of the saint or of Jesus—and then paint the icon just as it had been done for centuries. Icons are not intended to be worshipped or revered in the Byzantine tradition. They are “windows to heaven,” intended to create a thin place for prayer and worship. We mixed our own colors, adding natural pigments to acrylic medium in such a way that the paint was almost translucent. Every line on the icon had to be painted twenty to forty times to get it to the right level; the brush movements became a means of prayer and focus.

I loved the stories, the history, the preparation, the conversations, the CDs of random Russian church bells he played in the background, and the icons I finished, which hang in our dining room. After the class was over, I kept working with him until we moved south of Boston and he moved to New Hampshire. I thought about him and our afternoons tracing the lines of faith and prayer because of something Ginger said in her sermon this morning. She was preaching from Ephesians 2:1-10, but her focus was particularly on the last verse: “We are God’s work of art, created in Christ Jesus for the good works which God has already designated to make up our way of life.” (New Jerusalem Bible) As she drew to the end of her sermon she said, “We are dust, which becomes pigment in God’s artwork.” We are paint.

I thought of Chris explaining to me that the black pigment was actual ash, the brown was actual dirt, and on he went through our jars of colored powders explaining how they came from earthy substances, just as we do. When I got home, I went back to some of my New Testament Greek resources to find the word translated as “work of art” is poiema, which even my spell check knows is the root word of poem, and that took me back to the sermon and Ginger’s quoting of Mary Oliver’s “Poem”:

The spirit
likes to dress up like this:
ten fingers,
ten toes,

shoulders, and all the rest
at night
in the black branches,
in the morning

in the blue branches
of the world.
It could float, of course,
but would rather

plumb rough matter.
Airy and shapeless thing,
it needs
the metaphor of the body,

lime and appetite,
the oceanic fluids;
it needs the body’s world,
instinct

and imagination
and the dark hug of time,
sweetness
and tangibility,

to be understood,
to be more than pure light
that burns
where no one is —

so it enters us —
in the morning
shines from brute comfort
like a stitch of lightning;

and at night
lights up the deep and wondrous
drownings of the body
like a star.

The word paint was added to my Lenten Lexicon by my friend Claudia, who is a wonderful artist. She and I challenge each other by swapping paintings and poems: I write about what she paints; she paints about what I write. Poetry and painting are very connected for me because of our friendship. When Ginger made her statement about dust being pigment, I thought of an artist’s palette, the array of collected and created colors that create the options and opportunities for the painting, in the same way I look for words and phrases to join together in a poem. Both types of art are collections, gatherings of the elements it takes to make a whole picture.

I went back to the verse in Ephesians to notice the sentence says, “We are God’s work of art.” Not I. We. Not works. Work. We become the artwork together. We are saved together, even because of each other. Grace is incarnated in the context of community; faith becomes a verb as we learn to trust one another.

As Ginger was preaching, one of the notes I wrote was, “God is not Bob Ross.” Tonight, I looked him up on line and was reminded his old PBS show was called “The Joy of Painting.” Though I am willing to stand by what I wrote, I had to smile because the Creative Artist who imagined us and breathed us into being is the source of joy, the one who colors this world with an amazing palette of people who were made to be mixed and mingled, scattered and gathered: we are God’s artwork, God’s poem.

We are paint.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: pie

I’m not a mathematician. I know enough to explain what pi is, but that’s about it. I didn’t even make it to the end of the book The Life of Pi. As I said yesterday, Pi Day is Pi(e) Day: an excuse to make and 11067907_10152772189109716_569581532375398788_neat pie and invite people over to eat with us.

As the day has approached, Pi(e) Day has come up in conversation more than once and we have said, “You should come” without keeping track of just how many folks we had invited. When we sat down for dinner, twenty-five of us were gathered around our dining table and every other table we could find in our house, along with most every chair. Ginger did an amazing job imagining how everyone could fit and then setting up the room—well, two rooms.

For the first course, I made beef samosas, much like those I used to buy from the street vendors in Nairobi when I was in ninth grade. Then we had two small tarts: one with asparagus and cheese and the other with apple, gruyere, and roasted beets. The third course was a tamal pie served in a small mason jar. For dessert we had three choices: key lime pie; dark chocolate, salted caramel, and Oreo pie; and avocado pie with an Oreo and Frito crust. We ate and talked and laughed and then sat at the table and kept laughing and talking long after the food was gone.

One of the words offered for my Lenten Lexicon is sacred space. Okay—two words. That’s the way the house felt tonight. A thin place. A connected place. A birthing place for hope and memories. A fortress of friendship.

I am filled up with gratitude.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: preparation

I have spent the day preparing for tomorrow.

Two years ago it struck me that March fourteenth—3/14—was as good an excuse as any for an all pie dinner, so we had our inaugural Pi(e) Day. Now pie holds an important place in our home, particularly at Thanksgiving, or—as we like to call it—Pie-a-palooza. Some years ago I fell into the ritual of baking as many pies as I could the week before Thanksgiving—some for us and most for Ginger to travel around and give away. It is one of the things that makes Thanksgiving my favorite holiday. To find a reason on the other side of the year to focus on pie is awesome.

I am actually fairly clueless as to the significance of Pi when it comes to math. I’m better at cooking so on Pi Day I am more concerned with the ratio of flour to butter than anything that relates to 3.14. Since the menu is a surprise for those who are coming to dinner, I can’t tell you yet, but the day has reminded me how much joy there is in the preparation. One of the things I miss about working in a restaurant is preparation was a part of most every day because our creations were incredibly temporary. We made things we knew wouldn’t last, which meant we had to come back the next day and do them all over again.

There is something centering about preparing the mirepoix for a soup, slicing potatoes, and stocking your station before the meal service begins, just as today I found great pleasure in getting things in place for an afternoon of cooking tomorrow. By tomorrow night what we will have to show for our work will be mostly memories and the bonds between us that will be fed by being at the table together.

This evening I have been mindful of the basketball games in the background as teams work their way through their respective conference championships, all of them hoping for that “one shining moment.” As I know I have said before, I love the NCAA Tournament and am always amazed by how some of these folks rise to the occasion and give us some incredible games to watch. Life, however, is made up of much more preparation than performance, much more dailiness than shining moments. If the payoff were only in the winner’s circle, this would truly be a miserable existence.

In the living of these days—the routines and rituals—we prepare ourselves for those moments that create room for us to make our offering. The preparation tunes our hearts, hones our skills, sharpens our senses, and reminds us that whatever shining moment may come may feel critical but will not be lasting. Win or lose, we will be called back into the dailiness of grace, of gravity, of getting ready, and that dailiness is where eternity lies.

People get ready . . .

Peace,
Milton