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lenten journal: disaster

When we lived in Boston, we would often drive back to Charlestown down the Cambridge side of the Charles River, which meant we passed the Museum of Science. We were sitting at the traffic signal one afternoon and read this billboard:

Come visit the new planetarium at the Museum of Science, you tiny insignificant speck in the universe.

We laughed out loud, and then talked about how the advertisement echoed Psalm 8:

When I look up at your skies,
at what your fingers made—
the moon and the stars
that you set firmly in place—
what are human beings
that you think about them;
what are human beings
that you pay attention to them? (CEB)

Though I am by no means an astronomer—I can recognize Casio Pea, the Pleiades, Orion, and the Dog Star that follows him—I am fascinated by the stars, as much for the stories that have to tell as anything else. To stare into the sky at night is to get as close as we can to “In the beginning . . . .” Chet Raymo writes that as he learned how many stars filled the sky he wondered how it could be dark at night, since there was so much light in the stars. Then, he said, he realized it just hasn’t gotten here yet.

I heard a story on NPR this week about the Navy returning to teach their navigators how to use the stars. Those who guide our military vessels these days are completely reliant on GPS, which means if the power were to go down or the systems were to be hacked, they would not know where they were, so they are going back to learn skills shared by most of the humans who sailed the seas who our place by reading the stars, which was a consistent reminder of our connection to the universe.

Yes, I work in a computer store. Yes, I love what I can do with my smart phone. It is a powerful device. I was in college when the Voyager I was launched, with an eye to being the first space ship to get out of the solar system. When it accomplished that goal in 2012, I was teaching a workshop at the store on how to use the newest version of our phone. The same day, the New York Times published an article noting that the computer in the phone we were learning how to use—to check email and watch cat videos—was 250,000 times more powerful than the one that had shown the Voyager how to reach for stars we have hardly seen.

Both of my Lenten literary companions, Marilynne and Madeleine, talk about stars, and parse a word I had no idea had anything to do with the sheltering sky. I came upon L’Engle first, in the same chapter where she talked about at-one-ment:

Jacob, lying on the ground, the stone under his head, would have seen stars as we cannot see them today . . . . If we look at the makeup of the word disaster, dis-aster, we see dis, which means separation, and aster, which means star. So dis-aster is separation from the stars. Such separation is disaster indeed. When we are separated from the stars, the sea, each other, we are in danger of being separated from God.

Twenty years later, Robinson wrote similarly,

Etymologically, a disaster is a bad star. These words are from Latin, which came late into the world, but which expresses a prescientific confidence in the inter-involvement of the cosmos and humankind.

The Psalmist’s question is rhetorical. We are created in the image of God. We are connected to the stars, and everything else in Creation. We are of incredible significance. We are wonderfully and uniquely created in the image of God and worthy to be loved, and to love. One of my father’s favorite observations about Jesus was that when he referred to people as sheep he was not being complimentary. “They are the dumbest animals. They will do anything without thinking,” he would say. Though I understand his point, and have enough life experience to find resonance with it, I’m not sure it was what Jesus was trying to say. He was talking about the shepherd more than the sheep, saying more about who he was, about who God was, than making a statement about human intelligence. My companions are tracking each other once again. Listen to Madeleine once again,

For all our mechanical and electronic sophistication, our thinking about ourselves and our maker is often unimaginative, egocentric, and childish. We need to do a great deal of growing up in order to reach out and adore a God who loves all of us with unqualified love. 

Marilynne takes the thought a couple of steps further.

I have felt for a long time that our idea of what a human being is has grown oppressively small and dull . . . . The lowering of ourselves in our own estimation has been simultaneous with the rise of an egoism based on the assumption that it is only natural to be self serving, and these two together have had a destructive effect on public life . . . . Yet all this is unacknowledged as we sink deeper and deeper into the habit of mutual condescension, tending always toward mutual impoverishment . . . . Over and above specific instances, and behind them, is a drift toward cynicism and away from mutual respect and from willingness to take responsibility for our life as a community and a culture.

This day we call Super Tuesday has become an unofficial holiday celebrating a cynical image of ourselves as people who are no more than consumers, or members of a mob demanding we get our way, based on the way the vote is going. That Donald Trump is a viable candidate says more about who were are than it does about him. He has run before and was laughed off the stage; we knew not to take him seriously. That he can take the stage and take the vote means we have changed. We have believed the worst of ourselves. We have lost a sense of ourselves and what it means to care for one another. We have confused freedom with license, candor with saying whatever passes through your mind. We have deified the individual—what matters most are my rights—and lost sight of our humanity, which means we have lost sight of God as well because we have obfuscated that image in us.

L’Engle calls it sin.

It is not frivolous to say that sin is discourtesy . . . . Sin, then, is discourtesy pushed to an extreme, and discourtesy is a lack of at-one-ment . . . . To be discourteous is to think only of yourself, and not of anybody else.

We are born in original love, created in the image of God—Creator, Christ, and Holy Spirit, which is an image of community and interrelatedness. At the heart of God’s very essence is relationship. We were made to take care of one another. The discourtesy that divides us is sin: separation from God and from one another. We were made to read the stars, to find ourselves in them. We were made to create a world where everyone is regarded and cared for. That is not a political perspective, but a human one, a courteous one. We are made to work for the common good, to respect and love one another. When we look into the night sky we know, along with the Psalmist, what God thinks of us. Let us look around and ask, what do we think of ourselves, of one another?

Our disaster need not be the last word.

Peace
Milton

lenten journal: old friend

Today’s words grew out of those suggested when I was crowdsourcing ideas for my Lenten writings. The suggestion was best friends. After hearing from some lifelong friends over the past several days in different ways, I made a slight adjustment.  Thinking about the words set me to thinking of songs, and so I offer another musical journey this evening, starting with a song by Rich Mullins (and guitar by Billy Crockett): “Hello, Old Friends.”

hello old friends
there’s really nothing new to say
but the old, old story bears repeating
and the plain old truth grows dearer every day
when you find something worth believing
well, that’s a joy that nothin’ could take away

Old Friends is the title of one of my favorite Guy Clark songs, here sung with James McMurtry and Nanci Griffith.

old friends, they shine like diamonds
old friends, you can always call
old friends Lord, you can’t buy ’em
you know it’s old friends after all

Simon and Garfunkel had a song called “Old Friends/Bookends” that came out a few years before Clark wrote his. I love this video of the two of them singing close to the age of the men they imagined in their twenties.

old friends
winter companions, the old men
lost in their overcoats, waiting for the sunset
the sounds of the city sifting through trees
settle like dust
on the shoulders of the old friends

One of my favorite friend songs that doesn’t have the word in the title is John Denver’s “Poems, Prayers, and Promises,” in particular because it reminds me of my old friend, David Gentiles. I love this version of him singing with the Muppets (with a slight lyric change) from a television special I remember without the help of Youtube.

and talk of poems and prayers and promises and things that we believe in.
how sweet it is to love someone, how right it is to care.
how long it’s been since yesterday, what about tomorrow
and what about our dreams and all the memories we share?

Patty Griffin sings a song of informed and weathered friendship in “Little Fire.”

my friend, you know me and my family
you’ve seen us wandering through these times
you’ve seen us in weakness and in power
you’ve seen us forgetful and unkind
all that I want is one who knows me
a kind hand on my face when I weep
and I’d give back these things I know are meaningless
for a little fire beside me when I sleep

Though Carole King wrote the song, I first remember hearing “You’ve Got a Friend” on James Taylor’s record. I found out she wrote the song in response to “Fire and Rain,” where Taylor sang, “I’ve see lonely times when I could not find a friend,” and King responded:

you just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
I’ll come running, oh yeah baby, to see you again
winter, spring, summer or fall
all you’ve got to do is call
and I’ll be there, ye, ye, ye
you’ve got a friend

We weren’t too far into our songwriting together when Billy Crockett and I wrote “Best of Friends,” which was for the University Baptist Church youth group, where I was youth minister. Sorry. No video on this one, but I have a whole movie library of memories that play when I hear this song.

these days of sunshine these days of rain
we pull together in days of pain
we share beginnings we share the ends
it’s worth it all in these days to be best of friends

Yes. It is worth it all.

Peace, old friends,
Milton

lenten journal: sermon

”What About Me?”
Mark 5:21-43
A Sermon for First Congregational Church of Guilford UCC
February 28, 2016

Let me begin this morning by saying you’re going to hear a story you’ve heard before. In fact, you’re going to hear one you heard just a couple of weeks ago when Ginger preached about the woman who had been hemorrhaging for twelve years, or, as I learned to call her as a young boy reading from the King James Bible, the woman with the issue of blood. But this morning you are going to hear it in the context of the story that happened before and after her healing—a miracle sandwich, if you will. Mark tells the story of this woman in between another one, that is he starts an account of Jesus’s encounter with one person, this woman interrupts them, Jesus heals her, and then returns to the first person. Listen to these stories from Mark 5.

Jesus crossed the lake again, and on the other side a large crowd gathered around him on the shore. Jairus, one of the synagogue leaders, came forward. When he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet and pleaded with him, “My daughter is about to die. Please, come and place your hands on her so that she can be healed and live.” So Jesus went with him.
A swarm of people were following Jesus, crowding in on him. A woman was there who had been bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a lot under the care of many doctors, and had spent everything she had without getting any better. In fact, she had gotten worse. Because she had heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his clothes. She was thinking, If I can just touch his clothes, I’ll be healed. Her bleeding stopped immediately, and she sensed in her body that her illness had been healed.

At that very moment, Jesus recognized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched my clothes?”

His disciples said to him, “Don’t you see the crowd pressing against you? Yet you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” But Jesus looked around carefully to see who had done it.
The woman, full of fear and trembling, came forward. Knowing what had happened to her, she fell down in front of Jesus and told him the whole truth. He responded, “Daughter, your faith has healed you; go in peace, healed from your disease.”

While Jesus was still speaking with her, messengers came from the synagogue leader’s house, saying to Jairus, “Your daughter has died. Why bother the teacher any longer?”
But Jesus overheard their report and said to the synagogue leader, “Don’t be afraid; just keep trusting.” He didn’t allow anyone to follow him except Peter, James, and John, James’ brother. They came to the synagogue leader’s house, and he saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, “What’s all this commotion and crying about? The child isn’t dead. She’s only sleeping.” They laughed at him, but he threw them all out. Then, taking the child’s parents and his disciples with him, he went to the room where the child was. Taking her hand, he said to her, “Talitha koum,” which means, “Young woman, get up.” Suddenly the young woman got up and began to walk around. She was 12 years old. They were shocked! He gave them strict orders that no one should know what had happened. Then he told them to give her something to eat. (CEB)

One of the signatures of Mark’s gospel is how much of Jesus’s ministry happens in the context of interruptions. It was not as though Peter met him when they got up in the morning and said, “Master, you need to get ready. You have to cast out the demons of the guy up on the hill at nine, sail across the Sea of Galilee by ten-thirty, calm the storm on the way, and then meet Jairus to heal his daughter around 11:45, and let a bleeding woman touch you on the way. Oh—and then we have lunch for five thousand a little after one.”

Jesus was a man on a mission, not a schedule. The point was to be available, to be in the middle of humanity, to be God With Us. Mark’s other signature is his profligate use of the word, immediately, as if Jesus has no time to lose. He goes from parable to miracle to whatever’s next with a sense of urgency: he is the Word Made Flesh so the world could see a tangible, visceral vision of God’s love. Marilynne Robinson, a fellow UCCer, says, the gospel stories “tell us that there is a great love that has intervened in history, making itself known in terms that are startlingly, and inexhaustibly, palpable to us as human beings,” and their main point “is that God is of a kind to love the world extravagantly, wondrously, and the world is of a kind to be worth . . . this pained and rapturous love.”

Jesus had hardly stepped out of their little boat when Jairus met him. Sure, there was a crowd of people, but not a crowd of people with a sick child. Jairus had an emergency. He needed help. His helpless twelve year old daughter was in trouble. She was dying. What could be more important than that?

Step back. Wait your turn. Jesus is here for me. For me.

Still, the crowd pressed close. As Jesus and Jairus pushed through the throng of humanity, they passed the woman who had been bleeding for twelve years. She knew nothing of the girl. She trusted that this was her chance. Sure, there was a crowd of people, but not a crowd of people who were suffering from an endless hemorrhage. She needed help. She needed to touch him. What could be more important than that?

Step back. Wait your turn. Jesus is here for me. For me.

And so she pushed her way through the crowd, past Jairus, and touched the hem of Jesus’s tunic.

When we look at the stories as they are being told side by side, we can look at the contrasts between the two people: rich, poor; powerful, powerless; asks for healing, takes the healing without asking; a twelve-year-old girl with a sudden and deadly illness, and a twelve-year-old chronic illness in a grown woman; a girl who is touched by Jesus and raised from the dead, and a woman who touches Jesus who is healed while still very much alive.

When we look at the heart of the stories, we see they are the same story with different circumstances. They are, the stories of two people come in contact with Jesus and are transformed from death to life, just like us.

Frederick Buechner writes beautifully about these two stories and says,

Little girl. Old girl. Old boy. Old boys and girls with high blood pressure and arthritis, and young boys and girls with tattoos and body piercing. You who believe, and you who sometimes believe and sometimes don’t believe much of anything, and you who would give almost anything to believe if only you could. You happy ones and you who can hardly remember what it was like once to be happy. You who know where you’re going and how to get there and you who much of the time aren’t sure you’re getting anywhere. “Get up,” he says, “all of you!”—all of you!—and the power that is in him is the power to give life not just to the dead like the child, but to those who are only partly alive, which is to say to people like you and me who much of the time live with our lives closed to the wild beauty and miracle of things, including the wild beauty and miracle of every day we live and even of ourselves.

Yes. Yes. Jesus came that we might have life and have it more abundantly, as John wrote. Remember that. Trust that. Stake your life on that.

And then I want to ask you to go back to the story for one more thing. Look past Jesus and look at Jairus for a moment. He meets Jesus before both feet are even on dry land to plead his case: my daughter is dying; you must come. They begin walking, but then Jesus stops to deal with some woman and, by the time he has finished talking to her, the servants have arrived to tell Jairus his daughter is dead. It’s too late. Mark notes Jesus’s response to them, but there’s nothing about Jairus. No rant. No explosion. No trace of why-did-you-have-to-stop-for-her-and-now-my-daughter-is-dead. No What About Me.

Jesus said, “Don’t be afraid. Keep trusting,” and Jairus did. He trusted that there was no shortage on God’s love. He trusted that Jesus did not spend everything on that woman. He trusted, somehow, that his great pain was not the only pain, and that the healing of the woman who had been bleeding as long as his daughter had been breathing not only mattered, but was connected. He needed her to be healed, even as she needed his daughter to live. Neither of them was going to run out of the love Jesus was offering. There was no shortage.

If we need help, then speak up. Reach out. There are times when we need to push through the crowd a bit, or call out a name, when we need to be willing to let those who can help us know we are hurting. And—not but—and we must remember we are not the only ones who are dying inside. Everyone in the crowd is part of the walking wounded. As Ginger quoted last week, “Be kind, for everyone is fighting a great battle.” Yes, and that battle is not against one another.

So let us go out into the streets, cross whatever lakes and rivers we must to do what we do, ask for help and healing when we need it, and leave ourselves open to interruptions, both from those who need our love and who have come to love us. My church family, there is more of God’s wondrous love than we can imagine, and it is that love that we are called to extravagantly share in Jesus’s name. Amen.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: sound

From time to time, as I read an author’s work, my connection with the writer moves beyond the page to a more personal connection. They become my friend—an odd use of the word, I suppose, having never met them—because of the resonance I feel. Reading their books becomes a conversation of sorts. I can almost hear them reading to me, even though I have no idea what they actually sound like. Madeleine L’Engle is one, Frederick Buechner another, and now Marilynne Robinson is quickly joining that circle. Here is the opening paragraph to her essay, “Wondrous Love.”

I have reached the point in my life when I can see what has mattered, what has become part of its substance—I might say a part of my substance. Some of the things are obvious, since they have been important to me in my career as a student and teacher. But some of them I could never have anticipated. The importance to me of elderly and old American hymns is certainly one example. They can move me so deeply that I have difficulty even speaking about them.

One of the things I miss most about our life in Durham is the monthly gathering at Fullsteam Brewery for Beer and Hymns. The man who leads the evening, Jesse DeConto, does a marvelous job of connecting old and new, memory and meaning, and we all sing our hearts out. One of the hymns we have sung there, and that Robinson mentions, is “In the Garden.” Until I got to seminary, I always thought of the song as rather saccharine until one day in Dr. Reynolds’ hymnody class he explained that the song was written from the perspective of Mary Magdalene coming to the tomb on Easter morning and meeting Jesus, first mistaking him as the gardener and not recognizing him until he called her name. Robinson speaks of the hymn with these words:

Jesus spoke as a man, in a human voice. And a human voice has a music that gives words their meaning. In that old hymn I mentioned, as in the Gospel, Mary is awakened out of her loneliness by the sound of her own name spoken in a voice “so sweet the birds hush their singing.” It is beautiful to think what the sound of one’s own name would be, when the inflection of it would carry the meaning. Mary heard in the unmistakable, familiar, and utterly unexpected voice of her friend and teacher. To propose analogies for the sound of it, a human name spoken in the world’s new morning, would be to trivialize it. I admire the tact of the lyric in making no attempt to evoke it, except obliquely in the hush that falls over the birds. But it is nevertheless the center of meaning of this story that we can know something of the inflection of that voice. Christ’s humanity speaks to our humanity.rca

The sound of his voice. It evokes, for me, images of old RCA Victor records with the little dog staring at the amplifier, surrounded by the words, “his master’s voice.” And it ties in beautifully with a comment from my friend Terry—in Durham—in response to last night’s post on tone.

I think of music as I am reading this, Milton. One can learn, and needs to learn, scales, chord structure, harmony, etc., but when it comes down to it, timing and tone are what most express the emotional content, and thus most communicate the feel of a song. Stan Getz was called “The Sound” because of his warm, lyrical tone. I am inspired by your observations to think of Jesus more as “the sound” rather than “the word.”

In the beginning was the Word. In the beginning was the Sound. Yes.

During my years in Durham, Terry and I played and sang together. He is one of the best harmonica players I have ever heard; he, too, knows about tone and timing. We called ourselves, Oysters on the Half Shell: we’re raw and delicious. One of the songs I loved to do with him was a John Prine tune that says,

what in the world’s come over you
what in heaven’s name have you done
you’ve broken the speed of the sound of loneliness
you’re out there running just to be on the run

The song has always intrigued me because, though I cannot articulate how one might break the speed of the sound of loneliness, the words are deeply resonant because there’s something about the word, sound. The sound of loneliness is a cry in the night, a mournful song, or, perhaps, an expansive silence. You know it when you hear it.

Robinson has more to say:

I tell my students, language is music. Written words are musical notation. The music of a piece of fiction establishes the way in which it is to be read, and in the largest sense, what it means. It is essential to remember that characters have a music as well, a pitch and tempo, just as real people do. To make them believable, you must always be aware of what they would or would not say, where stresses would or would not fall.

One of the old hymns I keep coming back to is “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing“, and particularly the line that says, “Tune my heart to sing thy praise.” Tonight, I feel the tuning touch of my friends, those I know in the flesh, and those I know through words and music.

The Sound became flesh and dwelt among us. Within in us. Amen.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: tone

⋅I have been working on a sermon for this coming Sunday. I get to preach at our church for the first time. My text is Matthew 5:21-43 that contains the story of Jesus’ healing of the woman who had hemorrhaged for twelve years, which is sandwiched between the account of Jairus coming to ask Jesus to heal his daughter. Reading and studying the text has gotten me back to thinking about how we read the gospels and how we understand what’s there and what isn’t. The stories are remarkably sparse, when it comes to most details. Events move quickly and, as I have said before, inferring tone into what is being said is akin to doing the same in an email or text message.

The account of the wedding at Cana is one of my favorite examples. Here are the opening verses of John 2 from the Common English Bible.

On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the celebration. When the wine ran out, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They don’t have any wine.”

Jesus replied, “Woman, what does that have to do with me? My time hasn’t come yet.”

As many times as I have read those verses, I am pressed to imagine the tone with which Jesus might have delivered that question to his mother in a manner that would have allowed him to live beyond that moment. And yet, not only did he live, but he became the life of the party.

I have similar questions about Jesus’s words to his disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane as the world began closing in on them. He asked them to stay awake while he went alone to pray; he anguished in prayer and they dozed off like children. When he returned, he woke them said, “Couldn’t you stay alert one hour with me?” Was he angry, hurt, disappointed? How did it feel to be on the receiving end of the question?

Jesus asked another question to the man at the pool of Siloam who had been trying to be the first one in the water for thirty-eight years so he could be healed. Jesus heard his story and asked, “Do you want to get well?” It’s a question worthy of the best counselor, but we have no indication of the tone of his delivery.

And it’s all in the delivery. Try these:

You look great.
Where have you been?
Why did you do that?

The tone is crucial to the meaning, and the understanding of what is being said.

There in one time where we are given more than just a hint of how Jesus delivered his words: Jesus’s encounter with the one we call the Rich Young Ruler. After they had gone back and forth and the young man appeared to feel like he was doing pretty well at keeping the Jewish laws (though we don’t know the tone of his voice), Jesus tells him to go and sell everything—a devastating blow to the young man. But before Jesus’s admonition to the man to rid himself of his possessions, the narrative says, “Jesus looked at him and he loved him.” That sentence makes me think Jesus was not throwing a knockout punch; he was issuing an invitation.

There is more to language than just the words. As we work to communicate with one another, we let loose our feelings as we speak, both consciously and unconsciously, and they land on another field of feelings with everything from the force of an air raid to the soft landing of a butterfly. Even though the gospel writers don’t fill in all the details, I can infer something of the way in which Jesus spoke to people by the way they respond to him. He spoke the truth in love.

Would that all our words would land in such fashion.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: missing

Today has been a day of missing for me.

I began by posting this picture of my mother’s recipe box, which now resides here in Guilford. She has stayed on my mind ever since. My brother and sister-in-law left today for Cambodia , which they have done before, but somehow it matters more this time. I spent the afternoon preparing for dinner for those who would gather around our Guilford table and missing those who ate with us in Durham. And now it’s late and my heart is awash in feelings that I don’t know how to articulate in any way that make a coherent blog post.

Dag Hammarskjöld prayed, “For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes.” Tonight, that is my prayer.

Peace
Milton

lenten journal: garlic

Our church has a gathering each Wednesday night during Lent and they asked me to prepare the meals. I spent the day working on soups and bread and dessert for sixty and, after sitting here at the computer for some time now trying to keep my promise, I have found the words elusive, other than having the word garlic stuck in my head, even as the house still smells like it. So I found my way to a poem, once I gave in to the aroma of the evening.

garlic

I have spent the day
working with my hands,
and not with words.
I have chopped and sliced,
measured and stirred,
sautéed and simmered,
all on my way to soup.
The church supper is long
over, and my kitchen
still smells like garlic.
I have spent the last two
hours staring at a screen,
typing lost drafts, trying
to force ideas to ripen.
I should have something
profound to offer and
I do not, other than to
say I wish I knew words
that smelled like garlic.
That would be enough.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: weather

weather report

yes, there’s a certain sadness
in the tears of a late night rain,
the showers of memories, now
caught in tiny sidewalk ponds—
and I’m stepping around them,
wishing you would call to say
you saw the storm on the news,
them ask about the weather
as if our lives depended on it.
four or five storms have come
and gone since you quit calling,
and I have no one to tell how
the big flakes failed to freeze,
or the big storm never came,
and I’m walking to my car . . .
yes, there’s a certain sadness—
call it the weather of my heart:
an empty wind on a rainy night
trusting that spring will come.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: soul music

When I asked for words to ponder during Lent, one friend offered two: soul music.

As I started thinking about it, I began to think of songs, though not necessarily Motown. I began to think of songs that have spoken to me in recent times–some old, some new. Tonight, then, I offer a Lenten soundtrack of sorts. The first is from Kris Kristofferson: “Feeling Mortal.” The chorus says,

God Almighty here I am
am I where I ought to be
I’ve begun to soon descend
like the sun into the sea
and I thank my lucky stars
from here to eternity
for the artist that you are
and the man you made of me

The next is from Sarah Jarosz and it’s a cover of a Tom Waits song called “Come On Up to the House.”

well the moon is broken
and the sky is cracked
come on up to the house
the only things that you can see
is all that you lack
come on up to the house

all your cryin don’t do no good
come on up to the house
come down off the cross
we can use the wood
come on up to the house

 

Peter Mayer is a singer-songwriter whom I have come to appreciate in recent years, though he has been around for awhile. His song “Holy Now” is a call to look at life in wonder.

when holy water was rare at best
it barely wet my fingertips
but now I have to hold my breath
like I m swimming in a sea of it
it used to be a world half there
heaven s second rate hand-me-down
but I walk it with a reverent air
cause everything is holy now

Mavis Staples is a prophet of a singer, and this song speaks of the love that will not let us go: “You Are Not Alone.”

a broken home, a broken heart
isolated and afraid
open up this is a raid
I wanna get it through to you
you’re not alone

Our closing hymn is a song Paul Simon wrote in the mid-seventies, and yet it sings as though it were written yesterday. Here is “American Tune.”

I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered
I don’t have a friend who feels at ease
I don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered
or driven to its knees
oh, but it’s all right, it’s all right
for lived so well so long
still, when I think of the road
we’re traveling on
I wonder what went wrong
I can’t help it, I wonder what’s gone wrong

Sing to the night, my friends. We don’t sing alone.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: brother

For all of my life in church I have noticed that Jesus’ basic formula for the parables was to begin with, “A certain man had two sons . . . ‘“ and, almost inevitably, the story had to do with how the brothers responded differently, and, on occasion, how they responded to each other. The Old Testament is built around brother stories as well, including Cain and Abel, Isaac and Ishmael, and Jacob and Esau, all stories of sibling struggle in one way or another. They are on my mind because of my continued reading of Madeleine L’Engle’s A Stone for a Pillow, which is a series of reflections on Jacob.

I am the eldest of two brothers. My brother Miller is twenty-one months younger than I am. We share a great deal in common, like most siblings, I suppose, and we have our distinctions as well. The last two months have been pivotal in our finding each other in new ways because since our mother died we are the family we have left.

I suppose that is dropping the punch line for the post a bit early, but in reading L’Engle today, as she talked about Jacob wrestling with the angel and then preparing to meet his brother whom he had betrayed, and as she noticed that Isaac and Ishmael had come together to bury their father after spending a lifetime alienated from one another, I have thought a great deal about what has happened between my brother and I over the last several weeks.

Our story is not a direct comparison to the ones listed above. Neither of us had betrayed the other, or stolen a birthright, or anything quite so drastic. We spoke from time to time and tried to keep up. At this point, I won’t speak for him. I will say for myself that I allowed the physical distance between us—we haven’t lived in the same town since we were in seminary—to be more than a metaphor. There was no bad blood. Though we share many similarities, we are different in many ways and I allowed the differences to define how I related to him. In my book, I said we were not essential to each other. What I meant was we didn’t know much about the details of one another’s lives, and so we lived with old images of who the other really was.

My mother’s time in hospice gave Miller and I time together we have not had in many,many years. We took advantage of it and did the work we needed to do to find each other. The breakthrough for me was realizing if I had worked as hard to be kind to my brother—to trust him, to hope for him, to reach out to him—as I had in other relationships, he would have been essential to me. The roadmap to reconciliation is pretty straightforward: he’s my brother, my only brother; be kind.

In an earlier chapter, L’Engle says, “It is not frivolous to say that sin is discourtesy,” which at sound a bit understated at first. She continued:

Sin, then, is discourtesy pushed to an extreme, and discourtesy is lack of at-one-ment. If you drive your car without thought for the other drivers on the road, you are separating yourself. To be discourteous is to think only of yourself, and not of anybody else.

Discourtesy. The antithesis of kindness and compassion. Love, at its core, is about thinking of someone else before yourself, to understand life is lived in relationship, not solitude. To choose to disregard the connections is discourteous. Sinful. I read her definition and understand I was discourteous to my brother. For far too long, I evaluated the relationship on what I was getting out of it first, and I missed out on some good stuff. When I got home after the funeral, I sent him a poem I had read on the Writer’s Almanac on Christmas Day—the day my mother first went into the hospital. It is “Brothers Playing Catch on Christmas Day” by Gary Short.

Only a little light remains.
The new football feels heavy
and our throws are awkward
like the conversation of brothers
who see each other occasionally.
After a few exchanges,
confidence grows,
the passing and catching
feels natural and good.
Gradually, we move farther apart,
out in the field,
the space between us
filling with darkness.

He leads me,
lofting perfect spirals
into the night. My eyes
find the clean white laces of the ball.
I let fly a deep pass
to his silhouette.
The return throw
cannot be seen,
yet the ball
falls into my hands, as if
we have established a code
that only brothers know.

The poem reminded me of an afternoon in the yard of our home in Nairobi, Kenya, when I was in ninth grade and Miller was in seventh. We were throwing the football back and forth, as we did many afternoons, but that day I started asking questions: Who first thought up the shape of the football? How many sizes did they try before they got to the one that worked? Who made the first ones? Miller listened for a while, as we kept the rhythm of throw and catch, and then he said, “Why do you ask so many questions? Just throw the ball.” We both laughed.

The certain man and woman who had two sons are both gone now. My brother and I are now orphans together. We are what’s left of our family of origin, as they say. I am thankful that I am his brother.

Peace,
Milton