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lenten journal: i love to tell the stories

I have been reading a lot about stories lately: how we tell them, how we hear them, how we live them. Telling a story is more than recounting events. In his book, The Art of Time in Memoir: Then, Again, Sven Birkets writes:

There is in fact no faster way to smother the core meaning of a life . . . than with the heavy blanket of narrated event. Even the juiciest scandals and revelations topple before the drone of, ‘And then . . . and then . . .’ . . . Memoir begins not with event but with the intuition of meaning–with the mysterious fact that life can sometimes step free from the chaos of contingency and become story. (3-4)

“The chaos of contingency.” What a great phrase. We tell the story of our lives as a way to make meaning out of circumstances. Edna St.Vincent Millay said, “It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.” Though I totally get what she is saying, maybe there’s more to the story.

One of the powerful things about following the liturgical calendar is it offers the church year in a narrative, if you will: from Advent to Christmas to Epiphany to Lent to Easter to Pentecost to Ordinary Time. The string of stained-glass words offer us the chance to tell the story of our faith in the light of what we remember, what has happened since, and what is happening now. As the old hymn says, I love to tell the story.

My favorite lines in the song are:

I love to tell the story, for those who know it best
seem hungering and thirsting to hear it like the rest.

Still, those of us who know it best often run the risk of letting if become as static as stained glass. In The Art of Perspective: Who Tells the Story, Christopher Castellani, references a passage from “A Conversation with My Father” by Grace Paley,

in which a man expresses frustration with his daughter’s refusal or inability to write a traditional narrative [about] “what happened to them next.” . . . [She] thinks . . . that she would indeed like to tell that kind of story, except that it requires a plot, “the absolute line between two points which [she’s] always despised. Not for literary reasons, but because it takes all hope away. Everyone, real or invented, deserves the open destiny of life.”

“What’s despicable about the absolute line between two points,” Castellani concludes, “is its danger of becoming a single story.” (111)

Jesus didn’t walk in a straight line; he didn’t take the shortest route from the manger to the cross to the tomb anymore than the story—or, I should say, stories—of those of us who have followed him can be told in a straight line. I find myself asking the question: what is the story? The answer is not so obvious. As James Carroll points out in Christ Actually: Reimagining Faith in the Modern Age, we must

read [the Gospels] through the lens of centuries of total war and corrupted power, trying to see how violence, contempt for women, and, above all, hatred of Jews distorted the faith of the Church I still love. Yet Jesus is elusive. If he were not, he would be useless to us. (11-12)

I know. My post is, as one of my professors once critiqued a paper, quoteful, and the stuff that has stuck to me as I have been reading is heavy and disquieting. As our political discourse devolves into a poor imitation of middle school recess (with apologies to middle schoolers), I have chosen to turn my ears to those who have to fight to be heard. Folks Bryan Stephenson, William Barber, Tim Tyson, Willie Jennings, and Michelle Alexander have opened my eyes and heart to new levels of understanding and grief as they tell the stories of race in our country that we, as white people, have chosen, too often, not to hear. The Christ of Conquest is a strain of stories across centuries that breaks my heart. As Don Henley sings,

we satisfy our endless needs
and justify our bloody deeds
in the name of destiny
in the name of God

But the Christ of Conquest is not the only story. While those who stand in that lineage from Constantine to Franklin Graham continue to value power over people and think it matters more to be right than to be love, there are the stories of Jesus that have been told in the lives of Rosa Parks, Dorothy Day, Sojourner Truth, Martin Luther King, to name a few, as well as the stories of those whose names are known in their towns, and on the streets where they incarnate love in the same way Jesus did as he walked the dusty roads in Palestine, on the way to nowhere in particular other than whoever was in front of him.

Last week, I walked across the Edmund Pettis Bridge in Selma, Alabama. At the base of the bridge on the other side of the river, where so many were beaten on Bloody Sunday, was a rock monument inscribed with the words from Joshua 4:21-22:

When your children shall ask you in times to come, saying,
“What mean these stones?”
Then you shall tell them how you made it over.

I found myself wondering how we will explain the stones we are stacking in these days, what stories we will tell. What stories will be told about us? How will the way we live out our faith affect the ways people will tell the stories of Jesus in years to come?

A friend wrote this week and asked me to write a prayer for their service this Sunday. I think it’s a good way to end this post and begin my Lenten story this year.

God of Flesh and Blood,

We gather to be reminded that you are
a God who deals in relationships, not in rhetoric;
a God who is hip-deep in humanity, not hypotheticals.

As we follow Jesus to the Cross once again,
let us see in ways we have not seen
that when Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor,”
he knew them by name;
when Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn,”
he wept with them;
when Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers,”
he waged peace alongside them.

We gather to be reminded that you call us
to love as unflinchingly as you have loved us:
face to face, shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart. 
May those we encounter see your love in our lives. Amen.

Peace,
Milton

this is not normal

The past few days I have been captured by James Carroll’s book, Christ Actually: Reimagining Faith in the Modern Age, in which Carroll articulates what faith in Christ looks like in the light of the Holocaust. He begins with a question Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote to a friend: “What keeps gnawing at me is this question, . . . who is Christ actually for us today?” (2)

This post will not be the last time I quote from his book. Today he set me thinking with these words about Dorothy Day, the founder of the Catholic Worker Movement.

The imitation of Christ was for Dorothy Day a matter of the biblical reversal—seeing the story of power not from the winner’s point of view but from the loser’s. (261)

My mind went two directions. First, of course, to a soundtrack and I could hear Steely Dan singing,

they’ve got a name for the winners in the world
and I want a name when I lose . . . .

Then I went back to my childhood and my father’s belief that sports was the best metaphor to learn about life, which meant learning about winning (and losing). Losing was parenthetical, because winning was what mattered. I remember him quoting Vince Lombardi:

Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.

As someone who has been an amazingly average athlete my whole life, my dad’s leading metaphor taught me something he wasn’t expecting: how to lose, for which I am grateful.

But I don’t want be too hard on him. More than anything else, he wanted us to learn how to work hard, to try hard, and to play hard. And, when it comes to games, I like to win as much as the next person, I suppose. I am not without a competitive streak. But Dorothy Day was talking about a different kind of winning and losing, as was Jesus. Life is not a game, neither is it a competition.

The tenor of our current cultural conversation in America contradicts that perspective. In the most recent presidential inaugural address, the speaker said,

From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first, America first. . . .
America will start winning again, winning like never before.

Throughout his campaign and what I have seen of his public life, he is obsessed with winning. He has the best of this, the largest crowd. America First is a restatement of what appears to be his own mantra: Me First.

Me First has nothing to do with the gospel Jesus called us to follow. The winner-loser dichotomy is the language of conquest and division, not relationship and community. Jesus said, “Love one another,” not “Love better than anyone else.”

I was writing something this week that required the date and it struck me, as I wrote 2017, that those born after September 11, 2001 will finish their first year of high school this spring. This fall they will get driver’s licenses. They have lived their whole lives in the context of war. Those of us born in the last century moved from one where the wars had names and numbers to one where we have normalized the ongoing nature of conflict such that it hardly makes the news.

But war is not normal. War is the ultimate myopia: we can’t see beyond the conflict. Our language is reduced to Us vs. Them. We use fewer words. We see fewer choices because war’s primary fuel is fear: fear of the enemy, the unknown; fear of losing. War justifies violence as a means to an end, as a means of punishment, and then we too easily begin to see it as a means of existence. War destroys our sense of ourselves, our connectedness.

How have we allowed the vocabulary of fear to become normal?

In New York City during the 1950s, civil defense drills were mandatory exercises—practice runs fore the dreaded nuclear attack. All citizens were required, once the sirens rang out, to huddle in designated fallout shelters until the all-clear blew. The requirement was essential to the American people’s acquiescence in a runaway nuclear arms race, and in the government’s campaign to make nuclear war thinkable. On June 15, 1955, when the sirens sounded, Dorothy Day and a few other Catholic workers saw on the sidewalk in front of New York’s City Hall. They refused to take shelter, and they refused to leave the sidewalk. Their leaflet read, “In the name of Jesus, who is God, who is love, we will not obey this order to pretend, to evacuate, to hide. We will not be drilled into fear. We do not have faith in God if we depend on the atom bomb.” . . . She was arrested. Every time the sirens sounded after that,s he returned for the demonstration—not sheltering, not leaving the sidewalk. She was arrested repeatedly. (Carroll 264)

After a week of fear-mongering by executive order and dare I say evil justification of prejudice and hatred by a self-proclaimed Christian spokesperson, I think it is fair to say the gnawing question is, once again, who is Christ actually to us in these days? The corollary question is who are we as Christ’s followers?

Jesus’ refusal to engage in the language and behaviors of war was not in a vacuum. He lived his whole life under Roman occupation. The Romans killed him when he became too big a threat. So, turn the other cheek is more than a quote that made for cute Palestinian needlepoint. The Jesus that stood up for the poor, the women, the outcasts, and was willing to sit down and eat with everyone on the economic and political spectrum is the one who actually calls us to follow. To follow Christ in these days is to widen our vocabulary; to articulate that violence against anyone is wounding or killing a loved one; to make a place at the table, or the border, or the boardroom, for everyone; to choose our words so we find ways to protest that do not attack or foment verbal violence; and to let love be our common currency rather than fear.

The story of creation says we were created in love, that we might love God and one another, and that we will return to love. Our world at war and our nation governed by fear are not normal. Let us not get used to it. Let us not run for cover. Let us not pretend, or evacuate, or hide. Let us not be drilled into fear.

Let us not be quiet.

Peace,
Milton

inherited responsibility

I spent part of my day working from a window seat at The Marketplace, a wonderful coffee shop-café-grocery store that sits on the edge of the Guilford Town Green, which is renowned as the largest town green in New England (almost eight acres) and was designed by Frederick Law Olmstead, who also designed Central Park and Boston Common.

I have been reading Mary Oliver’s recent collection of essays, Upstream, in which she talks about hearing a lecture about the Whitney family by one of the granddaughters of Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney, who established the Whitney Museum in New York City. Oliver said the woman used a phrase that stuck with her: inherited responsibility; she goes on to talk about it in relation to the writers who inspired her.

For it is precisely how I feel, who have inherited not measurable wealth but, as we all do who care for it, that immeasurable fund of thoughts and ideas, from writers and thinkers long gone into the ground–and inseparable from those wisdoms because demanded by them, the responsibility to live thoughtfully and intelligently. To enjoy, to question–never to assume, or trample. Thus the great ones (my great ones, who may or may not be the same as your great ones) have taught me–to observe with passion, to think with patience, to live always caringly. (56-7)

Once upon a not-s0-long-ago time, our church building and our house (which was then a school building) were
on what is now the Guilford Town Green, as was the cemetery. I don’t know how people decided, or who decided, but Mr. Olmstead’s plan required moving all of them, and that is what they did. They built a new church building, moved our house down the block with a team of oxen, opened a new cemetery not so far away and moved the grave markers there. Without moving the graves. The Green is alive with activity most days–even in the cold weather. It is truly the heart of our little town. As I watch people move around, I wonder who knows the story of how the Green got here. On a thoughtful, rainy afternoon like this one, I find myself asking, who died for me to get here? Who was killed? Who lost so I could win my place of privilege?

I’ll never learn all the answers. Someone’s name will get left out. Yet part of the story of my life is working to understand and appreciate the context in which I live it out: those who came before me, those with whom I share these days, and those who will come after me. To live as Oliver suggests–to observe with passion, to think with patience, to live always caringly–is to live, as I like to say, with a sense of appropriate insignificance: it matters that I am here, but not more than anyone else. However I come to understand my place in this world, I must begin by embracing the truth that I am neither the center of nor the reason for the map. I am not the headliner. I find my place by looking at the whole map, not just my coordinates.

The rhythm of her words–to observe with passion, to think with patience, to live always caringly– carry the same cadence as Micah 6:8:

He has told you, O mortal, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God? (NRSV)

It strikes me that a big part of what makes Donald Trump’s public posturing possible is that he is a manifestation of a culture who has forgotten who is buried under the Green, if you will. We are a culture who finds little value in our inherited responsibility, our legacy, our history, not to mention our regard for one another. We have chosen to become our own frame of reference: we owe nothing to anyone, put little value in remembering, and are content to tweet and rant rather than “to observe with passion, to think with patience, to live always caringly.”

We can’t do that in one hundred and forty characters.

Today marks what would have been my mother’s eighty-fifth birthday. Last year, we were with her in hospice in Waco to celebrate the day, and to say goodbye. She died three days later, leaving behind a legacy of love and tenacity. One of the things born in the midst of her dying was a newfound relationship between my brother and me. With the prospect of both our parents being dead, we struggled with how we would find each other, having allowed obstacles to stack up between us. We didn’t have bad blood between us as much as we had learned to live comfortably with the distance. As we shared the days around her death together, we decided to make ourselves uncomfortable instead. I realized I could find my brother if were willing to offer him the same grace and forgiveness I offer others in my life. We both realized, I suppose, that we had our own inherited responsibility to one another, and we have made the best of it.

When I accept that Trump’s words and actions are less an aberration and more of a manifestation of our culture, I find hope in the possibility of resistance, looking once again at Oliver’s words, and Micah’s as well:

to enjoy, to question–never to assume, or trample;
to observe with passion, to think with patience, to live always caringly;
to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God.

Our best conversations will not happen at full volume or at full speed. Let us meet on the Green for coffee, or wherever we can, and remember the stories handed down to us, and those being told around us, that we might remember the great value of our inherited responsibility and the wealth we have to share.

Peace,
Milton

may these words become flesh . . .

As Christmastide comes to a close, I come offering a collection of thoughts and words that have found their way to me over the past couple of weeks, mostly through my reading.

John begins his gospel saying, “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” This year, his words have called me to try and listen more than speak, to see how the Word has inhabited life around me. I have also been thinking about what words I might “make flesh” in this new year. Listen is one of them. The cacophony of voices that make up our social soundscape these days leave very little space for silence, much less sense. The impetus is on being heard, rather than hearing. But if everybody is talking . . . .

One of the good things that happened to me in 2016 was I got to share a meal with Eric Folkerth, a pastor and writer and all around good guy who lives in Dallas. We have been Facebook friends for years, but had never met. He has written a couple of pieces on his blog, When EF Talks, during this season that have been words I needed to hear. In one of them, he quoted a poem by Stephen King and Bridgett Carpenter and used in the television miniseries 11.22.63:

We did not ask for this room or this music.
We were invited in.
Therefore, because the dark surrounds us,
let us turn our faces to the light.
Let us endure hardship to be grateful for plenty.
We have been given pain to be astounded by joy.
We have been given life to deny death.
We did not ask for this room or this music.
But because we are here, let us dance.

To dance you have to listen to the music, to feel the beat. I suppose it’s up to us to decide whether hear a melody of hope or a dirge, but we have to listen nonetheless. We have to listen for a song we can sing together–at least that is what I heard when I moved from Eric’s words to those of Marilynne Robinson in her challenging book of essays, The Givenness of Things:

If there is anything in the life of any culture or period that gives good grounds for alarm, it is the rise of cultural pessimism, whose major passion is bitter hostility towards many or most of the people within the very culture the pessimists always feel they are intent on rescuing. . . . [I]t is easy to forget that there are always as good grounds for optimism as for pessimism–exactly the same grounds, in fact–that is, because we are human. We still have every potential for good we have ever had, and the same presumptive claim to respect, our own respect and one another’s. . . . To value one another is our greatest safety, and to indulge in fear and contempt is our gravest error. ( 29)

The same idea found its way to me through the words of another Facebook friend, musician Justin McRoberts, whom I got to meet once several years ago:

A thing I’ve learned about life together with others: Circumstance puts us in proximity. Intentionality binds us together. Forgiveness keeps us from falling apart.

And, if you are willing to read just one more quote, I kept this sentence from poet Donald Hall’s Unpacking the Boxes: A Memoir of a Life in Poetry, where he talked about how he approached teaching:

My gifts to my students was not information but demonstration of engagement. (126)

The demonstration of engagement. Isn’t that be another way of saying the Word became flesh? The risk of the Incarnation is not just that God became human, but that God became human the way all humans come into being, through the risk of birth. The Word that became flesh was not information, but a story, an engagement. We sing that “Love Came Down at Christmas,” but that was not all. This year, I am struck by the courage of Christmas. By the demonstration of God’s intentional engagment. What if the innkeeper had not offered the barn? What if Mary had gone into labor on the rocky road to Bethlehem? What if the Magi had chosen to capitulate to Herod, rather than going home by another way?

I want courage to be another word I incarnate in the year to come. Yes. Listen. Courage. Ah–but it’s almost Epiphany; shouldn’t I have three words to offer? And it’s in Justin’s words: forgiveness keeps us from falling apart.

Listen. Courage. Forgive. May these words become flesh . . .

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: incremental incarnation

I didn’t write yesterday because I didn’t sleep well the night before. On purpose.

As one who lives with sleep apnea, from time to time I have to take a sleep test, which means trying to sleep without my CPAP, affectionately known at our house as my Snuffleupagus Machine because it requires of me to wear a mask over my nose with a hose that attaches to a machine that blows a steady stream of air into my lungs.

Sleep apnea means I quit breathing over and over again durning the night. For any number of reasons, my airway shuts. The first time I went to “sleep camp,” as we called it, the technician told me I was sleeping in ninety-second increments. All my life I had thought I didn’t need much sleep, since resting for four hours didn’t feel much different than eight, when, in fact, I had never known what if felt like to feel rested. So, for the last fifteen years, I have been religious about putting on my Snuffy mask at bedtime.

The technology has advanced since my last test, because I didn’t have to go to camp; I did the test at home, wearing a monitor that recorded my sleep patterns. When I woke up, I took it back to them and they will set me up with a new machine that matches my needs in a couple of weeks. I was happy to put on the old one again last night.

Tonight we are having a Christmas Open House in our barn, between the two services. We have strung lights and turned on space heaters, and I have been baking cookies and other goodies to share with our church family. Since I am also marking the anniversary of my mother going into hospice at Christmas, I decided I would use her recipes for the open house. I have her recipe box—proof that I didn’t inherit her organizational skills. I chose a couple I remember her making and some that were new to me. I made some adaptations with a couple of the cookie recipes, based on ingredients I had on hand. Preparing for tonight has been meaningful, and emotional at times. Feeling connected to her today has not made her absence disappear, but, like my Snuffy machine, it has helped me to breathe, if you will, and lean into the memories. Into the everlasting arms.

When my father died, a friend who was more acquainted with grief said, “Don’t think about having to live forever without him. Chop up life into digestible chunks. Get through the next hour, and then get through the hour after that. Sometimes, you may be taking it fifteen minutes at a time.” The air from my CPAP lets me rest by catching my breath every ninety seconds and giving it back to me, over and over again, so that I can connect them into a restful night. I spent the day making cookies, one at a time, connecting a lifetime of memories with my mother.

Mary didn’t know that her baby boy would learn to walk on water. All she knew was she had walked step by step to Bethlehem, and now she and Joseph would take it day by day as their boy grew in wisdom and stature, as we used to say in Sunday School. She figured out how to live with her prayer, “Let it be as you said,” on a daily basis. When life seemed to shut down, I suppose, she leaned into the Spirit of God to breathe into her once more, that she might find life and find rest.

Maybe that’s stretching the metaphor, and, as I said a few posts ago, I continue to learn how to breathe in the breath of God and breathe out the love of God. One breath at a time. We will gather in our barn tonight, around my mother’s cookies, and then gather around the manger at church to be filled, I hope, with the breath of heaven once again.

Thanks for making the journey this Advent. I am richer for the companionship.

Christ is born. Alleluia. Merry Christmas.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: the longest night

As I rode the train into New York, hoping for sunrise this morning, I came across an article shared by a couple of friends stating that tonight would be “the darkest night in 500 years” because the solstice was paired with a lunar eclipse. Now there’s a metaphor, I thought, because that is how this year has felt.

For the past three or four years, as we head into a new year, it has been my practice to post Counting Crows’ lines,

long December and there’s reason to be believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

2016 makes me want to sing it louder than ever; it was not just December that has felt long and dark. For many reasons, this year has been the winter solstice of years, the longest of most all of them. Then somewhere in my ramblings during the day, I found out (thanks to snopes.com) that the article about the darkest night was written in 2010 and was in error. It is the solstice, but the next eclipse doesn’t happen until February. It’s still going to be the longest night of a long, dark year, but not the darkest one in half a millennium. Maybe there is a metaphor there as well: things are bad, but . . .

When the people of the village are being expelled in Fiddler on the Roof, one of them asks the rabbi, “Wouldn’t this be a good time for the messiah to come?” Is there ever a time when “Yes” is not a good answer to that question? In my Advent re-readings, I came across a poem by Madeleine L’Engle, “The Risk of Birth,” written in the early 70s.

This is no time for a child to be born,
With the earth betrayed by war & hate
And a comet slashing the sky to warn
That time runs out & the sun burns late.
That was no time for a child to be born,
In a land in the crushing grip of Rome;
Honour & truth were trampled by scorn–
Yet here did the Saviour make his home.
When is the time for love to be born?
The inn is full on the planet earth,
And by a comet the sky is torn–
Yet Love still takes the risk of birth.

And then, I stumbled on to Parker Palmer’s words about this Christmas (forgive the long quote):

For a lot of folks I know who celebrate Christmas — not the store-bought version, but the holy day itself — this year is proving to be a challenge. How do we celebrate the Good News at a time when the news is so relentlessly bad, celebrate the light at a time of deepening darkness?

A friend of mine thinks he’s found the upside. He says that Christmas, 2016 can give us a taste of what the first Christmas was like, when King Herod the Great [sic] hovered in the background, commanding what legend calls “The Massacre of the Innocents.” That may not qualify as encouragement to you, but it’s a bracing point.

The discouraged people I’m talking about, including me, aren’t Christian naïfs shocked by the fact that bad news keeps dragging us down at “this festive time of year.” They are folks who’ve long been involved in trying to shed light in the darkness — people working for racial justice and against all forms of violence, for the wellbeing of children and against the ruination of the earth, for civil dialogue and against xenophobia. This ain’t their first rodeo. And it ain’t the first time they’ve seen the darkness they’re resisting emanate directly from Washington, D.C.

But in a way I haven’t felt since the late 1960s and Vietnam, they and I are feeling like strangers in a strange land. Their question, my question, is simple: how do we celebrate Christmas at a time when it’s hard to believe that its core message of love and peace is anything more than pious prattling that will not reach or touch the Powers that Be — and may in fact provide cover for their growing compendium of crimes against decency, sanity, and humanity?

His question is haunting and on target, yet it also reminds me that the first birth of Christ in our world was not aimed at the Powers That Be. The Creator of the Universe put skin on just like everyone: starting in the womb, enduring the crisis of birth, and entering the world as a baby dependent on others for life itself. The news went out to shepherds, not senators. The “kings” who arrived later on were not recognized or particularly welcome. Jesus was as grassroots as they come. Love and peace, at their core, aren’t legislated. They are born, and this year, they beg to be born again in us. If we are willing to sing “Let it be” along with Mary, we can incarnate the love and grace and peace of God into the darkness that surrounds us, we can sing to shepherds and foreigners, we can give birth to the inextinguishable light of hope in our world.

Palmer mentions one of my favorite carols, Phiilips’ Brooks’ “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” pointing to the last two lines of the first verse:

the hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight

Maybe that’s what every angel that shows up in scripture meant when they said, “Fear not!” It wasn’t about being scared of the angel in the room. It was a call to faith, to love, to incarnation: don’t be afraid to live out the love of God, regardless of the circumstances.

As I stood on the train platform this morning, I remembered that tomorrow there will be incrementally more light than today. The night is far gone. The day is at hand. Do not be afraid. We have work to do. Together.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: singing towards bethlehem

A comment from my friend Jeff on last night’s post sent me on a bit of a musical journey today, so I thought I would invite you to make it with me as we head to the manger. After reading about our new house in Durham, he quoted the chorus of a Kenny Loggins record I remember buying in college, and listening to over and over.

please, celebrate me home
give me a number
please, celebrate me home
play me one more song
that I’ll always remember
and I can recall
whenever I find myself too all alone
I can sing me home

Maybe it’s that Jeff brought to mind an old song that has left fingerprints on my heart that sent me back in my mental jukebox, but I thought of a song Ginger and I found in a Toronto record store on our one visit there together. It was Carolyn Arends’ first album, and as soon as I could I got out my guitar to figure out the chords. It’s not hard to hear that she was singing in the aftermath of Dead Poets’ Society; the song is called “Seize the Day.”

seize the day, seize whatever you can
’cause life slips away just like hourglass sand
seize the day, pray for grace from God’s hand
then nothing will stand in your way
seize the day

When I go back through my musical history, there is a steady stream of Paul Simon songs. The one I have returned to in the past weeks is “Boy in the Bubble.”

these are the days of miracle and wonder
this is the long-distance call
the way the camera follows us in slo-mo
the way we look to us all, oh yeah
the way we look to a distant constellation
that’s dying in a corner of the sky
these are the days of miracle and wonder
and don’t cry baby don’t cry don’t cry, don’t cry

I guess you’re catching on that these are not particularly Christmas songs, yet these folks are fellow travelers on the road of life, of faith. Kris Kristofferson sings a song called “Let the Walls Come Down” that says,

on a cold dark corner i town
an old soul standing his ground
sang his heart right out at the world
passing him by
I can still hear every word
of a song that nobody heard
’cause he sang right out of his soul
into the sky, when he cried

let the walls come down
let the love come through
when it all comes down
well, it’s up to you

He may not sound like an angel chorus, but there is something sacred in his sound.

Jason Isbell is as good a songwriter as they come, and his last record has what may be my favorite love song, “Flagship.” The last verse says,

you gotta try and keep yourself naive
in spite of all the evidence believed
and volunteer to lose touch with the world
and focus on one solitary girl

I don’t know any other way.

I’ll finish this soundtrack with a song from Guy Clark, who died earlier this year–and it’s not “The Cape,” my personal national anthem. Instead, it is as true a word as can be said “Old Friends.”

and when the house is empty
and the lights begin to fade
and there’s nothing to protect you
except the window shade
and it’s hard to put your finger
on the thing that scares you most
and you can’t tell the difference
between an angel and a ghost

old friends they shine like diamonds
old friends you can always call
old friends Lord you can’t buy ’em
you know it’s old friends after all

O, rest beside the weary road and hear these angels sing.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: home by another way

I haven’t written for the last few days because we have been traveling.

Wednesday night, after our Service of Reflection and Remembrance, Ginger and I loaded up a rented van with some furniture, pictures, and household goods we had packed in the barn and began driving to Durham, North Carolina (in New England, you have to specify; every state, it seems, has a town called Durham). Most of our belongings, along with my mother-in-law and the pups, stayed in Guilford, and we are going back there tonight. Still, the point of our trip was to put down roots. You see, we bought a house in Durham on Friday. It is, as Ginger likes to call it—thanks to a long affection for Sandra Cisneros’ writing—The House on Magnum Street.

Life in Guilford is good and we feel grateful and called to be there. The parsonage that we have made our home is lovely and cozy and, well, feels like home. And Stars Hollow. In our more adult moments, Ginger and I have talked about plans beyond—specifically how we can best prepare for retirement. When my mother died, she left money she hoped would go for a downpayment so we could have a house—a home—we could plan for. We looked up and down the Shoreline, as they call it in Connecticut, and spent lots of evenings talking about where our house should be, and we both came to the conclusion that Durham was the place. Our place. And so we bought The House on Magnum Street.

Since we didn’t leave Guilford until about 9:30 Wednesday night, we knew we would have to stop for the night along the way. When we looked at the map and saw Bethlehem, Pennsylvania was on our route, and we thought it only fitting and rather poetic to spend the night in Bethlehem the week before Christmas. It was after midnight before I tried booking a room on Expedia, so it would only let me book for the next night. We pulled off the highway and into the first hotel. No room. Same with the second. Not even the offer of a stable. We got back on the highway and drove to Allentown, where we found a bed and a complimentary breakfast before we got back on the road Thursday morning humming Billy Joel songs.

When Luke tells the story of Mary and Joseph’s journey, he says they went to Bethlehem because “he was of the house and lineage of David”—it was where his family was rooted. We don’t know how his branch ended up in Nazareth, but he knew where to go to be counted. Ginger’s family roots were in Birmingham, but her parents moved in with us six and a half years ago and then her father died; she still has cousins there, and loves Alabama football, but there is no home place to find. Though my family’s roots are in Texas, we stayed moving so much that mine never grew there. Though we didn’t know much of this little city when we moved here nine years ago, it has become our home. Our place to come and be counted.

In true Brasher-Cunningham fashion, we closed on the house at noon and had a party that night. On the way to the close, we went by the TROSA Thrift Shop and bought vintage furniture, as they say: chairs, small couches, a dining set. As the house filled up with friends that evening, I realized something. For the first time in my life, just days after my sixtieth birthday, I was doing a new thing: I chose a place rather than moving because of a job or family situation. I have moved many, many times, and moved to places that matter in my life. Places I love. The House on Magnum Street marks the first address chosen because it is where we want to end up. When i verbalized my epiphany to some of the folks at the party, one of them said, “I know. I read your book.”

The first completed draft of This Must Be The Place ended with the chapter on Durham, and our house on West Trinity Avenue, which is just around the corner for The House on Magnum Street. I had just signed off on the manuscript when Ginger told me it looked like we were heading to Guilford. I e-mailed my editor to say I needed to add a chapter. I wrote the Afterword on the plane back from my initial trip to Conncecticut; I had to imagine myself into a new locale, which has turned into a wonderful place to be for us. Our days on Church Street are far from over. We have a house, a church, and a barn. It seems, also, that our days in Durham are not done either. We are finding our way home by another way—a way that offers our hearts room to live in two places; there may have been no room in Bethlehem, but there is room in Guilford, and there is room in Durham.

Tonight we are flying back to Connecticut to keep the promises we have made there. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be back on the train to New York, and come home to Ginger and Rachel and the Schnauzers as we get ready for Christmas—and carols in the barn Christmas Eve. There will be room in our stable for whomever shows up. Friends will move into The House on Magnum Street on Thursday, using it as a place from which they can move their lives to Durham on a more permanent basis, and they will celebrate a Christmas of their own.

This Christmas, I’ve found home by another way.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: breathing lessons

The book I started on my ride to New York this morning was Unpacking the Boxes: A Memoir of a Life in Poetry by Donald Hall. A couple of pages in, I found this sentence:

Their house was always dark: it felt like held breath. (5)

The sentence stayed with me. When I sat down to write, here is where it took me.

breathing lessons

I was on the train for
an hour and a half before
before the wisps of sunrise
this morning; tomorrow
it will even take longer—
the night holds its breath
as long as it can before
it exhales into daylight,
turning the clouds into
tongues of fire fueled by
the fresh air of a new day.
I watched them fly by and
I heard Ginger’s words of
invitation, repeated on
the cusp of worship each
Sunday: breathe in the
breath of God; breathe
out the love of God . . .
so I did—I breathed and
hoped my lungs would
fill up with fiery clouds.

Peace,
Milton

advent journal: doing the math

I’m seventy minutes away from the end of my sixtieth year, as I sit down to write, and I have a confession to make: I am not a mathematician. I did, however, just stumble upon something as I was trying to figure out what words to use to close out this decade and begin the next. One of the songs that has shown up more than once on this blog is “Seasons of Love” from the musical RENT. We all know it well enough to sing along for at least a couple of lines:

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure, measure a year?

That math is pretty easy: 365 x 24 x 60 = 525,600 minutes.

But here’s my where my end-of-decade foray with figures surprised me. I decided to see just how many hours I’ve been alive and so I did my calculation: 60 x 365 x24 = 525, 600 hours, which begs the question, how do I measure my life?

in hugs
in hope
in sorrows
in laughter
in late-night discussions
in friendships
in cookies
in stories
in houses
in schnauzers
in books
in words
in songs
in meals
in surprises
in failures
in faces
in grace
in gratitude
and yes, in love

The list is by no means exhaustive. I’ve spent nearly half of my life with Ginger, which is enough to have made my life worth living all on its own. I feel overwhelmingly fortunate to be me: to feel so loved and so cared for, to have so many stories to tell of all the ways love has found me. I’m going to borrow and bend some of Guy Clark’s words to finish up my fifties andimg_4875 see what is to come:

I’m sixty years old with a flour sack cape
tied all around my head
still climbing up on the garage
and will be till I’m dead
all these years the people said
I was acting like a kid
I did not know that I could not fly
and so I did

I’m one of those who knows that life
is just a leap of faith
spread your arms hold your breath
and always trust your cape

I think that equation will keep working for me.

Peace,
Milton