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lenten journal: train of thought

train of thought

she saw me first
as we stood in
among the apples
though I wasn’t
the one she was
looking for or at

her eyes went
over my head to
catch the train
that chugs around
Bishop’s Orchards
she squealed like

she knew everyone
on board or like
she was a passenger
on the adventure
of her young life
she squealed again

when the train blew
through the breads
and also at the register
standing in her cart
waving at the wells fargo
wagon comin’ down

I’m in that store
three times a week
I mostly miss the train
though it’s always
circling the ceiling
but the little conductor

called me out
had a ticket to ride
if I were willing
to jump on board
maybe next time
I won’t miss it

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: handscape

handscape

I’ve been staring at my palms
like they were a writing prompt
or a collection of coded runes

the deep rutted roads that run
like poorly planned highways
across an aging desert of skin

ancient river beds now run dry
from days when dreams roamed
these valleys like dinosaurs

I’ve stared long enough to get
lost in metaphors de manos
and the epidermal esoterica

of a little cellular cosmos
little lines marking mystery
whole worlds in my hands

weathered not wrinkled
fingerprints and fault lines
all they’ve held and let go

I’ve been staring at my palms
and rubbing one on the other
now I will let them rest

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: slow art

Because I went to the gym this morning, I saw the message on my dashboard that my car was due for servicing and I remembered to make an appointment when I got home. The Honda dealership had an opening this afternoon, as did I, so I told them I would be there around 2 o’clock. When I told Ginger my plan for the day, she said, “Eli’s is across the street. I’ll go with you and we can have lunch.”

And so we did.

Eli’s on the Hill is one of six restaurants with the same name dotted across southeastern Connecticut. It’s good food in a comfortable atmosphere. The bar at the restaurant in Branford is large and U-shaped. It was not crowded when we got there, so we sat at one bend in the U and ate and talked until the car was ready. The scene, for us, was familiar. We spend a lot of time eating and talking together, in a variety of settings.

At one point, Ginger asked, “What are your favorite things to do with me?”

I thought for a moment, and I answered something I don’t remember now because it wasn’t the best answer. Then I said, “This. Sitting and talking with you when we hadn’t planned for it.”

She agreed it’s one of our best things.

As I sat down to write this evening, I came across an article at 3 Quarks Daily titled “Patience With What Is Strange: In Praise Of Slow Art” by Chris Horner, which talks about the power of taking our time to ingest or digest things that seem strange, and it was that word–strange–that took me back to our lunch at Eli’s because, years ago, we found one of the Story People that said:

“You’re the strangest person I ever met,” she said
& I said, “You are too”
and we decided we’d know each other a long time

The article is full of good things not the least of which is the closing paragraph, which includes an incredible

Slow art has layers. And this is why it requires time and effort. We should see this as a good and necessary thing. If this is a kind of obstacle in the way of easy assimilation then it is an obstacle that is integral to the value of the thing itself. The mind is calmed, or disturbed, or made exultant by the art that rewards us for our goodwill and our capacity to take our time.

Then he closes with an incredible Nietzsche quote:

One must learn to love.— This is what happens to us in music: first one has to learn to hear a figure and melody at all, to detect and distinguish it, to isolate it and delimit it as a separate life; then it requires some exertion and good will to tolerate it in spite of its strangeness, to be patient with its appearance and expression, and kindhearted about its oddity:—finally there comes a moment when we are used to it, when we wait for it, when we sense that we should miss it if it were missing: and now it continues to compel and enchant us relentlessly until we have become its humble and enraptured lovers who desire nothing better from the world than it and only it.— But that is what happens to us not only in music: that is how we have learned to love all things that we now love. In the end we are always rewarded for our good will, our patience, fair mindedness, and gentleness with what is strange; gradually, it sheds its veil and turns out to be a new and indescribable beauty:—that is its thanks for our hospitality. Even those who love themselves will have learned it in this way: for there is no other way. Love, too, has to be learned.

We don’t always have the luxury of taking the afternoon to hang out, but one of the things I have learned about love is to take any opportunity that presents itself, or better yet, make space where there doesn’t seem to be any. We have been intentional about learning that “we should miss it if it were missing.” And Nietzsche is right: it does continue to enchant us relentlessly.

The chorus of the first song I ever wrote with Billy Crockett says,

it’s an open heart
it’s a work of art
it’s the basic stuff
that makes another
picture of love

Thirty-four years on, I’m still finding layers and I am still enchanted by the slow art of love.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: taking time

It’s been a little over five weeks since Loretta came to live with us.

Tomorrow (Monday, that is) will only be six weeks since Lila died, and we are still grieving Ella who died in late October. Even with the presence of both absences, Loretta is making room for herself with unabashed energy and affection.

We know so little about her. She was found on the streets of Waterbury, Connecticut and ended up in a shelter in East Hartford, where we got her because, well, she couldn’t get back to where she once belonged. We think she is around two (or that’s what we were told), so we made March 13 her birthday. We can tell by looking at her that she is part Schnauzer–and her behavior confirms that–but the rest is still up for discovery. We know nothing of her history other than where she was rescued. She knows some commands, though I hope I can teach her that “Get back, Loretta” means stay. She also lives with a pretty high base line of fear, particularly when people come to the house. Stranger Danger.

A dog trainer came by the house to give us some advice and talked about the “two days, two weeks, two months” phenomenon: a dog’s behavior will change at those markers as they get used to their surroundings. Unlike the movie title, everything everywhere can’t happen all at once. She showed us how to get our guests to offer treats by throwing them at a bit of a distance first and then dropping them closer. We have also had folks meet us on the Green so Loretta is not as protective of her home. It is still a work in progress.

The Atlantic has an article whose title is incredibly straightforward–“A Cognitive Revolution in Animal Research”–that helped me understand a bit more about what our sweet pup is going through, as well as a bit about myself as well.

Christian Ruiz studies New Caledonian crows. In one experiment, he gave them a log with drilled holes that had food hidden in them. For the crows to get the food out, they had to bend a plant stem and use it as a tool. When they first did the experiment, they gave the birds ninety minutes to figure things out; if they didn’t the birds weren’t included in the study. The article continues:

But, Rutz says, he soon began to realize that he was not, in fact, studying the skills of New Caledonian crows. He was studying the skills of a subset of New Caledonian crows that quickly approached a weird log they’d never seen before—maybe because they were especially brave or reckless.

The team changed their protocol: They gave the more hesitant birds an extra day or two to get used to their surroundings, then tried the puzzle again. “It turns out that many of these retested birds suddenly start engaging,” Rutz says. “They just needed a little bit of extra time.”

For the first couple of weeks, Loretta’s nub of a tail stayed down. She would come to us, but then cower a bit when we got close. She was more comfortable if I was sitting down. We try to walk her and Lizzy! on the Green daily and we have seen both Loretta’s confidence and tail rise on our trips. But yesterday Ginger took her down streets she did not know and she was wary once again.

She just needs a little bit of extra time. Maybe a lot it.

Much of that time needs to come from Ginger and me in the form of patience and compassion as we work to move beyond her fear to find the affection that other people want to offer her. That doesn’t sound hard to do until she starts barking when someone comes over as though they were sent by Vladimir Putin. But five weeks on, she knows her name, she knows we are her people, she knows how to use the doggy door, and she knows when it’s time to eat.

It’s just going to take a while for her to begin to recognize all the love she cannot see.

She’s not the only one. At sixty-six, I am also one who has needed extra time to learn, sometimes because I had to get used to my surroundings, but mostly because I had to come to terms with myself. Regardless of the backdrop, I have been pretty good at getting in my own way. But when I read about New Caledonian crows needing time to settle in and I watch Loretta as she makes her way in her new world, I am grateful for the grace of time that makes room to figure out that we belong.

Loretta is teaching me as well.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: beyond blame

The passage for my sermon this week is John 9:1-11, which is part of the story of Jesus healing a blind man. There are a lot of sermons to be found in this passage, but I got caught by the question the disciples asked: “Who sinned that this man should be born blind?” I hope it speaks to you.

_________________________

Our passage this morning is a great example of the adage, the answers we get are often only as good as our questions. The best example I know is from what is now a really old movie–The Pink Panther Strikes Again. The bumbling Inspector Clousseau is checking into a hotel and sees a little dog sitting next to the reception desk.

Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

Had he asked a better question, he might have avoided a puncture wound.

One morning, my mother-in-law, Rachel, came into the kitchen and asked me, “Are you making cinnamon toast today?” (She loves cinnamon toast.)

“Not today,” I responded; then, as she just stood there looking rather forlorn, I realized what she asked was not her true inquiry.

“Would you like some cinnamon toast?” I asked.

“Yes, please,” she said–and then we had a discussion about asking for what she wanted. And we laughed.

The question the disciples asked as they passed a blind man says a lot about the way they thought about the world and how God works in it: “Whose sin caused this man’s blindness–his or his parents?”

In a way, it’s a question that presupposes an answer–the man’s blindness was someone’s fault; they just wanted to know who to blame. And, though it is not an uncommon question, it is a damaging one. The man was born blind, which was no one’s fault–but that is not what they asked.

Across the centuries, the way Jesus’ answer has been translated has created some issues as well. Look back at our reading this morning:

Jesus answered, “Neither he nor his parents. This happened so that God’s mighty works might be displayed in him. While it’s daytime, we must do the works of the one who sent me. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

It comes close to sounding as though his blindness was a setup for Jesus to show up, as though our difficulties have to have a purpose. The Greek manuscripts had no punctuation; sometimes, they didn’t even separate the words well, which means translators had to decide how to divide sentences and create phrases. Listen how different it sounds with a repunctuation:

Neither he nor his parents. So that God’s mighty works might be displayed, we must do the works of God who sent me.

The Message translation communicates it even more effectively:

Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”

Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines. When night falls, the workday is over. For as long as I am in the world, there is plenty of light. I am the world’s Light.”

The miracle that followed is interesting for a couple of reasons. The first is that the blind man didn’t ask for anything. He is silent in the story until after he can see. The second is it’s messy. Jesus spits in some dirt and makes mud, smears it on the man’s eyes, and tells him to go wash it off. The man finds his way to the water, washes his face, and can see–all without ever seeing Jesus.

Had Jesus been willing to let the disciples’ question direct the conversation, the man would have stayed blind, because the disciples weren’t thinking about how they could help, only who they could blame.

It’s a posture that is far too easy to take, particularly when the problem we see feels too big to change.

Not everything happens for a reason.

Let me say that again: not everything happens for a reason.

Life is not as simple as an equation of cause and effect where everything balances out, or a ledger that records assets and debts, or a scorecard that keeps track of who’s winning and who’s losing. My depression is not a sin. If you see someone in a wheelchair, that doesn’t mean they are responsible for their condition–whatever it is–anymore than it means God is going to use them to make a point.

Who can we blame for this? is never a good question because it doesn’t create room for healing. It’s a dead end.

I don’t mean that we have no responsibility in life, or that there are not situations when the consequences of our choices or words or actions do damage that we need to shoulder. If I back into your car in the parking lot—like the time I backed into the storage Pod in our driveway (but that’s a story for another time)—I’m responsible for the bent fender. But bearing responsibility and placing blame aren’t the same thing.

For me to place blame is a way for me to make sure I had nothing to do with it. If we can blame racism on people in the South, then we don’t have to take responsibility to make changes right here in our town. If we can blame poor people for making choices that brought their circumstances on themselves, then we can avoid facing our privilege. If we can phrase our questions so that the answers we get make us feel as though the needs around us are not our problem, then we don’t have to live compassionately.

I don’t know why the disciples asked about whose sin caused the man’s blindness, but the question was a dead end, as I said earlier. They were not asking because they were concerned with the man; they were dealing with an issue. They wanted to place blame, which would have done nothing more than satisfy their curiosity.

Jesus stopped and made it about the person. He moved beyond blame. He created a relationship. The man became the center of attention, which created space to see what God could do–with everyone involved.

When we think about our lives, or about our life together as a congregation, what are our questions? Are we asking things that die with one word answers, or open-ended queries that create possibility? Do we trust that God could do something with us in this place in these days?

Our answers are only as good as our questions. Amen.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: tortilla sunset

tortilla sunset

when I walked into the supermarket
my dinner menu was still up in the air
everything depended on whether or
not they had Sweet Hawaiian tortillas

I picked up two ripe avocados in an
act of faith a couple of jalapeños too
pushed the cart past the deli counter
and turned towards the tortilla stand

street taco size is what they call them
circles of goodness made to be held
in one hand and eaten in three bites
I grabbed two packs and headed home

to pull the pineapple and chicken
out of the fridge and the mocajete
from the cabinet to smash avocados
and turned groceries into dinner

had there been no tortillas dinner
the chicken and pineapple might
have wokked with rice and cashews
or perhaps a piccata and potatoes

but the Sweet Hawaiian hand-helds
folded the day into a simple joy
as we ate and told our stories and
the pups waited for a taste of tortilla

Peace,
Milton

 

lenten journal: specifics

specifics

the way you call to check on me
the text that asks how are you

the time you left a note
the month you paid my bill

when you emptied the trash
while I was out of town

the day you came to see me
the night you drove me home

when you picked up the phone
long after your bedtime

when you stood with me
at the funerals

when you listened
when you called me out

the time you said you loved me
and the time after that

the time you sat with me
and said nothing

the gift in the mailbox
the food in the fridge

when you laughed at my jokes
when I cried and you did too

when I forgot what mattered
and you forgave me

the night you called
and said you needed help

your fingerprints on my heart
indelible evidence of love

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: I’m glad we’re all here

I’m late on getting to this story, but I am assuming I am not the only one who learned about The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse while watching the Oscars last Sunday night. I loved it, even though they didn’t use an Oxford comma in the title.

Over the past year or so, I have seen the book at friends’ houses, and even thumbed through it, but I still have not read it. I’m not sure why. The appearance of the book intimates a kinship with The Little Prince and The House at Pooh Corner–both favorites–but I never got past the cover. Though I still haven’t read the book (I will, shortly!), I watched the movie this afternoon. Twice.

The movie opens with a young boy walking across an unending snow-covered landscape with nothing in site, until a mole pops up through the snow to ask why the boy is there. He is lost, he says, and is trying to find his way home. The Mole befriends the Boy, and also expresses his love for cake. In fact, it feels like the Mole is searching for cake the way the Boy is looking for home. He asks the Boy what he wants to be when he grows up, and the Boy answers, “Kind.”

“Nothing beats kindness,” the Mole replies, “it sits quietly beyond all things.

He says a wise mole told him you could always get home by following the river and their journey begins. When they find a river, the boy wonders how to figure out which way to go.

The Mole answers, “If at first you don’t succeed, have some cake.”

As the tale unfolds, the meet the Fox, who has to be freed from a snare, and the Horse, who is also alone. There are plenty of reasons for them not to be together, but they choose one another as they navigate the landscape of lostness. They choose each other in profound and understated ways.

As the afternoon turned into evening, we went to our Lenten Supper and Discussion at church. We have been reading and talking about Forgive Us: Confessions of a Compromised Faith chapter by chapter. Tonight, Clara, one of our pastoral interns, led the discussion about how the American Church has treated Indigenous people. Home played a huge part there as well, since colonizers made a home here by taking way, well, destroying the home of the Native folks.

Though I wrote those last sentences in past tense, the displacement continues a way that is egregious and invisible at the same time. Unlike the quartet in the snowy forest, we have not chosen each other; we simply chose ourselves. We took what we wanted. We keep taking.

When the Boy and the Mole first meet the Fox face to face, he is in a snare. The Mole approaches him and the Fox stretches the ties that bind him as far as he can towards the Mole and says, “If I were free I would kill you.”

The Mole moves closer and before he chews through snare says, “If I don’t free you, you will die.”

If the story were rewritten as a fable of American history, the Fox, once freed, would have turned on the Mole and killed him, but he didn’t, which means we could have made different choices. We still can. We must, if we are to survive. Listen to this exchange:

The Mole: Sometimes, I want to say, “I love you, all.” But I find it difficult.
The Boy: Do you?
The Mole: Yes, so I say something like, “I’m glad we’re all here.”
The Boy: Okay.
The Mole: I’m glad we’re all here.
The Boy: We’re so glad we’re here too.

Our obsession with ownership is malignant. It is eating us alive.

There is enough. We are enough. I know it sounds simple–to simple for those who want to complicate it with greed and power–but “I’m glad we’re all here” is a pretty good way to say I love you.

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: parking lot poetry

parking lot poetry

I dress myself with rain
make a hat of the clouds
and a scarf of the wind
a coat of many shadows

I can see the stepping
pools across the asphalt
if I watch my step I can hit
every one of the puddles

I am a body of water
walking on water even
as water falls and finds
me thirsty for reunion

poetry in the parking lot
the drops sky diving
rather than just falling
gentle melancholy mist

I come home wearing
evidence of my epiphany
the pups storm to greet me
cloaked in rain of their own

life today is wet cold gray
better to make of it an
outfit than an adversary
I dress myself with rain

Peace,
Milton

lenten journal: incidental contact

incidental contact

we saw a beautiful purple house
a woman and a man arranging plants
she spoke with a smile in her words
“I had all these plants in my house
it was like a jungle” she said as we
passed by never to see her again

after my third trip shuttling the
members of our group from the
Crystal Beer Parlor to our hotel
on a rainy Sunday one of them said
“You really know your way around”
all I knew was how to get back

the drive to the airport gave me
a sense of all the city we didn’t see
how many doors we left unknocked
all the stories we didn’t get to hear
places we didn’t eat and where we
did most of the menu was missed

the scrapbook of snapshots I carry
home in my mind is even incomplete
I can’t remember all that went unseen
but I went as a guest not an expert
for a week Savannah was my world
and they hardly knew I was there

Peace,
Milton