Tonight, I am keeping my discipline with the help of an old friend whom I know only through his words. Still, he is one I turn to on nights like this when I can’t find words of my own. These are words I have come to before. Join me; there is comfort here.
I Am Offering this Poem By Jimmy Santiago Baca
I am offering this poem to you, since I have nothing else to give. Keep it like a warm coat when winter comes to cover you, or like a pair of thick socks the cold cannot bite through,
I love you,
I have nothing else to give you, so it is a pot full of yellow corn to warm your belly in winter, it is a scarf for your head, to wear over your hair, to tie up around your face,
I love you,
Keep it, treasure this as you would if you were lost, needing direction, in the wilderness life becomes when mature; and in the corner of your drawer, tucked away like a cabin or hogan in dense trees, come knocking, and I will answer, give you directions, and let you warm yourself by this fire, rest by this fire, and make you feel safe
I love you,
It’s all I have to give, and all anyone needs to live, and to go on living inside, when the world outside no longer cares if you live or die; remember,
I don’t remember how old I was, but I was young enough that my dad was able to beat my brother and me to the punch. “Boys,” he said with that this-is-how-it’s-going-to-be-don’t-even-think-about-it tone in his voice, “we can talk about most anything, but you can never have a motorcycle.” He gave good reasons. He had high school friends who had been killed on bikes, or at least that’s the way I remember it. As I said, we were young enough for them to feel out of reach anyway, so we agreed and adopted his fear and life went on – without motorized wheels or the future expectation thereof.
As we got into our forties, things changed. My prodigal brother began riding motorcycles while living in the far country of Tennessee and eventually got a Harley of his own, on which he still finds solace riding off across the Texas countryside. I, the dutiful older brother, still stayed away from them. I just got my ear pierced instead. Twice. The only bike I’ve ever been around much belonged to my friend Billy. In our songwriting days, I would drive down from Fort Worth to Manchaca, south of Austin, where he lived. He had a beautiful BMW motorcycle and I would climb on the back and we would ride to dinner. He’s the one who taught me to lean into the curves.
I wasn’t expecting to go motoring down this particular memory lane this Lent, but John Berger issued the invitation with this short paragraph:
For many years I’ve been fascinated by a certain parallel between the act of piloting a bike and the act of drawing. The parallel fascinates me because it may reveal a secret. About what? About displacement and vision. Looking brings closer. (111)
Part of where the passage took me was back to a conversation, or rather a host of conversations, with another old friend, Christopher, who is a graphic designer. He told me how his mentor taught him the basics of the craft. While in college, Chris approached him about being a mentor. The man agreed and asked him to come to his house for their lessons. In the backyard, the man had a tightrope a couple of feet off the ground. Christopher’s drawing lessons began with learning how to walk the tightrope. Chris didn’t understand at first.
“There are basic principles to life,” his mentor told him. “For example, learn how to walk the tightrope and you will also know how to draw a straight line freehand. Both require that you keep your eye on the end point – where you want to end up, rather than looking at what your hands and feet are doing.”
Berger agrees:
You pilot a bike with your eyes, with your wrists and with your leaning of your body. Your eyes are the most importunate of the three. The bike follows and veers towards whatever they are fixed on. It pursues your gaze, not your ideas. No four-wheeled-vehicle driver can imagine this.
If you look hard at an obstacle you want to avoid, there’s a grave risk that you’ll hit. Look calmly at a way around it and the bike will take this path. (112)
I think about the days when I have allowed myself to get caught up in a power struggle with a stubborn student. Most of the time it’s not because they were more stubborn than usual, but that I couldn’t look beyond them and set myself up for a collision. I think about how I have derailed some dreams by looking at who I am not and seeing only where I will fall short rather than keeping my eyes on where I want to end up. And I think about those times when I have been able to see beyond the chaos, beyond the obvious, beyond the obstacles and seen some dreams come true, some things change.
“I will lift my eyes up to the hills,” wrote the Psalmist. “Come and see,” said Jesus. “Draw me nearer, nearer, precious Lord,” says the old hymn. “You are riding a drawing,” says John Berger (116).
I love the image. At the bottom of the page I jotted a verse from James that came to mind: “draw near to God and God will draw near to you” (6:8), and an old song floated down across the memories that seems a good benediction:
turn your eyes upon Jesus look full in his wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace
Ginger preached from the lectionary passage this morning. Here’s what I brought home.
“you are the light of the world”
I know were talking about the difference between daylight and dark however you of all people ought to be able to make room for a little poetic license I know about the dark but today when I heard your words I thought of those who claim to speak for you in public but they spew stones and throw their weight around to do damage and your familiar call had a new ring: you didn’t call us to be the heavy
Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping.
“Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.
(Matt. 26:40)
connection
driving home from work tonight I saw the moon – or at least all it was willing to show tonight arriving late as well almost ten o’clock and hardly above the horizon from my vantage point I couldn’t tell if it was old or new beginning or fading I was as tired going to work as I was coming home at almost ten o’clock and hardly above the horizon with promises . . . (you know the line) on nights like these I think about drowsy disciples in the garden who couldn’t stay awake like Santiago thought about DiMaggio’s bone spur and I catch myself smiling I have to be exhausted to feel like a disciple
One of the benefits of my style of organization is the joy of rediscovering things. Move a pile of stuff and find a book you haven’t seen in a long time. Such was my fortune a couple of days ago. We did some rearranging here at the house which set me to cleaning up some other stuff and I came across a book that I love not only for its content but also for the memory it evoked.
In 2010, Ginger and I had a chance to go to New Orleans for our anniversary, thanks to our friend Jay. We had a wonderful time in a city we both deeply love. A Durham friend, Leonora, who had lived in the Crescent City sent us on an afternoon adventure off the beaten path and out of the Quarter, down across Frenchman Street and into a neighborhood that appeared to see few folks but those who lived and worked around it. We ended up on Chatres at the Sound Café, which was connected to Beth’s Books and newsstand. It was there, after a rich and quiet afternoon of conversation and coffee together, I found Art and Fear.
This afternoon, I perused the book, mostly rereading my margin notes and what I had underlined a couple of springs ago. Here are a couple of samples – of what the book had to say:
Basically, those who continue to make art are those who have learned how to continue – or more precisely, have learned how not to quit. . . . Quitting is fundamentally different from stopping. The latter happens all the time. Quitting happens once. Quitting means not starting again – and art is all about starting again. (9-10)
As Stanley Kunitz once commented, “The poem in the head is always perfect. Resistance begins when you try to convert it to language.” (17)
By definition, whatever you have is exactly what you need to produce your best work. (26)
To demand perfection is to deny your ordinary (and universal) humanity, as though you would be better off without it. Yet this humanity is the ultimate source of your work; your perfectionism denies you the very thing you need to get your work done. Getting on with your work requires a recognition that perfection itself is a flawed concept. (31)
When you are lazy, your art is lazy; when you hold back, it holds back; when you hesitate, it stands there staring, hands in its pockets. But when you commit, it comes on like blazes. (49)
Each new piece of your art enlarges our reality. The world is not yet done. (69)
I could go on, but then I would use up too much of my quote pool for future posts. The book comes alive for me because I am working to be a better writer and I want to make art with my words and my food, among other things. The other reason is because I think art is an amazing metaphor for both life and faith. I can best make my point with a couple of paraphrases:
When you are lazy, your faith is lazy; when you hold back, it holds back; when you hesitate, it stands there staring, hands in its pockets. But when you commit, it comes on like blazes.
Each new act of your faith enlarges our reality. Our faith is not yet done.
As I read today, thinking about Lent and what I might make of these days, a couple of sentences I had not previously underlined found their way to the forefront:
Habits are the peripheral vision of the mind. . . . The theory is simple enough: respond automatically to the familiar, and you’re free to respond selectively to the unfamiliar. (100)
Habit is not always an easy word for me, or at least not a positive one, because I most often contrast it with ritual, particularly in matters of faith: habit is repeating things mindlessly; ritual is meaningful repetition. To keep it at church for a moment, we might pass the offering plates as habit, yet the aim is to make the familiar action of sharing Communion be ritual. With that contrast in mind, I came to this paraphrase:
Rituals are the peripheral vision of faith. . . . The theory is simple enough: respond automatically to the familiar, and you’re free to respond selectively to the unfamiliar.
The ashes are familiar, as are the days doing without or adding on as we work our way to the Cross. The road through Lent is well-worn with the steps of those who have come before us. The story is familiar to the point that we have to decide whether to be lazy or engaged. We can make a habit of our devotion and float by on our familiarity unscathed by the magnificent defeat that makes possible the empty tomb or we can make a ritual of all that has been handed down, cherishing each moment as a morsel of grace and focusing on what we know is true such that we see new things – and new people — on the edges of the story that we have not seen before.
The first song I ever wrote with my friend Billy said:
here’s another picture of life all of us together in Christ it’s an open heart it’s a work of art it’s the basic stuff that makes another picture of love
One of the things I love about the ecclesiastical calendar is it tells time by telling a story. Our story. The Story. We begin at Advent by preparing for Jesus’ birth and then move through the following weeks and months as the Incarnation unfolds and we see Jesus with people as he walks with them and talks with them, and tries to tell them about his death and resurrection. To number our days with the language of Epiphany and Pentecost, rather than January and May, is to not only tell the story but to become a part of it. I was thinking along these lines as I read again from John Berger’s wonderful new book (which has been inspiring me all winter):
When we are impressed and moved by a story, it engenders something that becomes, or may become, an essential part of us, and this part, whether it be small or extensive, is, as it were, the story’s descendent or offspring.
What I’m trying to define is more idiosyncratic and personal than a mere cultural inheritance; it is as if the bloodstream of the read story joins the bloodstream of one’s own story. It contributes to our becoming what we become and will continue to become. (84)
Katherine Hankey must have understood what Berger is talking about (though he hadn’t written it in 1866) when she wrote one of my favorite hymns:
I love to tell the story for those who know it best seem hungering and thirsting to hear it like the rest.
In the chapter of Berger I reread yesterday, Berger told of going into a suburban Paris library to check out a copy of The Brothers Karamazov to reread. Both of the library’s copies were checked out and he began to wonder,
. . . who’s reading The Brothers Karamazov here today. Do the two of them know each other? Unlikely. Are they both reading the book for the first time? Or has one of them read it and, like myself, wants to reread it?
Then I find myself asking an odd question: if either of those readers and myself passed one another – in the suburban market on Sunday, coming out of the metro, or on a pedestrian crossing, buying bread – might we perhaps exchange glances that we’d both find slightly puzzling? Might we, without recognizing it, recognize one another? (83-84)
I can remember days in the subway in Boston looking across to see the cover of a book I had read and loved and then exchanging the kind of glance Berger describes, sometimes even a word of solidarity. One of the joys of teaching is initiating students into the coteries that know Scout and Gatsby and Mary Shelley’s misunderstood creature. There is a strong connection between Those Who Know The Story and a profound sense of joy at getting to be the one who makes the introduction. Expand the definition of stories and we can include the giant families, if you will, bonded together by Monty Python and the Holy Grail or The Princess Bride who willing share looks and laughs and movie lines.
Anybody want a peanut?
One of my favorite books to read with students is Frankenstein. Many years ago when I was teaching at Charlestown High, a Latina student who understood all too well what it meant to feel outcast and misunderstood became particularly attached to the Creature. Reading didn’t come easily for her, but she devoured the book. The morning we were to finish the book she came by my room early. She was visibly troubled.
“Mister B-C,” she said with sadness in her voice, “the Monster died!”
She didn’t need me to explain or even to comfort; she just needed to tell the story to someone who knew what she was talking about, that could share the experience, that knew it mattered to grieve a character who had lived so vividly among us.
As Lent begins, the story we love takes an ominous turn. Not so many weeks ago we were singing of herald angels and following stars. Yet, as we get closer to Spring, the shadows grow longer and the darkness more profound. We know where the whole story is going and these are not the easy chapters. Still, we are at our best when we tell the story in all its darkness and struggle. It is our story, as Berger said. It’s in our DNA. We tell the story, and we live the story, as we seek to incarnate God’s love in a harsh and beautiful world. Because we know the story passed down to us and we know the story unfolding in our lives, we understand what makes a great story, which is to say we understand a great story takes the darkness as seriously as the light. As David Wilcox sings,
look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify what’s stronger than hate would they not arrange the stage to look as though the hero came too late it’s almost in defeat it’s looking like the evil side will win and on the edge of every seat from the moment that the whole thing begins it is love that mixed the mortar and it’s love that stacked these stones and it’s love that sets the stage here though it looks like we’re alone
In the last line of his chapter on stories, Berger said:
Hope today is a contraband passed from hand to hand and from story to story. (87)
I love that sentence. Telling the story – our story – is an act of solidarity, of subversion, of community, of compassion, of revolution. Of hope. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot put it out, neither can the cynicism shout it down.
Life for me right now means I drive home from my part-time job at the computer store two or three nights a week and listen to a podocast of The State of Things on WUNC, which works out well since I was teaching during the day when it first aired. Last Thursday, Dan Ariely was interviewed. He has just published a book called The Upside of Irrationality, which is a part of his work at the Center for Advanced Hindsight. (I so want a t-shirt from that place; the name is too good.)
Ariely said his interest in the work he is doing began years ago with bandage removal. He suffered severe burns a number of years ago and was in the hospital for three years. The nurses had to remove the bandages everyday. Bandages cane be taken off either quickly or slowly. All the nurses believed ripping the bandages off quickly was the right approach to dealing with the pain. After he got out, Ariely did experiments of his own and found the “nurses were wrong in a predictable and systematic way.” They didn’t talk to each other about the various ways it could be done or compare notes. “All the nurses had the same bias and they were getting it wrong for every patient every time.”
Change the preposition and the Center of Advanced Hindsight might also serve as another name for Ash Wednesday, if I take the word center geographically rather than as a name of an organization. From that center, hear the words poet Barton Sutter shared at The Writer’s Almanac today as a part of his poem, “The Thousand-foot Ore Boat”:
To live until we die— The job seems just impossible. The great weight of the past Pushing us forward, the long future Thrust out before us, and so little room to either side!
On this day, when we seek to focus our hearts and minds toward repentance, when we seek to find deeper meaning in living by coming to terms with our dying, when we feel the push of the past and the pull of possibilities, we stand at the center of advanced hindsight, at the fulcrum of our faith, at the place where we are willing to let the Spirit show us where we have been predictable and systematic in our errors, at the place where we can repent.
Repent. When I work on vocabulary with my students, I try to get them to notice the prefix of a word as a way to begin to unpack its meaning.
re-: 1. indicating return to a previous condition, restoration, withdrawal. 2. indicating repetition of an action.
Repent. The dictionary draws connections to regret and repair, but then draws distinctions. Regret carries the main idea of wishing I had not done something, or had done something differently, that cannot be changed. Repair focuses on making things work again. Repent carries some of both contrition for what has been done or left undone and commitment to do things differently and to make things right. Looking back, I look inward that I might look forward and live in such a way that I do not remain committed to my error.
Repentance requires community. Though it is an individual commitment, it is not done in solitary. The power of our turning round right is found in the cloud of witnesses who share in the dance because most of what needs to be made right is relational. When I look back to see I have not done justice or sought kindness or walked humbly I must circle back, retrace my steps, and do what I can to repair and heal my damage. Where I have chosen cynicism, I am called to hope. Where I have chosen to caricature, I am called to listen. Where I have chosen to dominate, I am called to include. Where I have chosen to forget, I am called to remember.
All in the context of relationships.
In his podcast, Ariely talked about one of the tasks of a society is to decide what level of inequality we are willing to live with. He said his favorite definition of a just society came from philosopher John Rawls who said a just society was one that if you knew everything about it you would be willing to enter it at a random place. I love the definition because it calls us all to live outside of ourselves, paying attention to one another’s circumstances and challenges, as well as successes. Where Rawls used the word society, I would substitute community to say that definition of justice works whether we are a city or a church, a mega gathering or a small group. To think about a just community means to remember, as Philo of Alexandria said (not to be confused with Philo of Apex), “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” It also means that we are committed to including one another, rather than constructing rules and walls that divide us. “Love everyone as I have loved you,” Jesus said. That’s pretty clear.
On this Ash Wednesday, this Center of Advanced Hindsight, I look back and easily see the damage I have done. I pray these days will turn that mourning into meaning again and again and again.
Not quite six years ago, Ginger and I got to spend a month in Greece and Turkey tracing the steps of the apostle Paul, thanks to a sabbatical grant from the Eli Lily Foundation. Greece has a burgeoning Christian tourist trade, so we traveled with a group for our time there.l In Turkey, we were on our own and found our way through that wonderful and hospitable country thanks to a Turkish travel agent I found listed in the Lonely Planet guide. When we did group things we were a part of much less homogenous groups than we had known in Greece. On a half day bus tour in Istanbul we shared the bus with people from Iran, Hungary, Kazakhstan, England, the Czech Republic, and Australia. When we had time to talk over tea, the first thing each of us said was, “We’re nothing like our government.”
We spent a week in Izmir, which is where Ephesus once was, and had a chance to get to know some of the folks in our hotel over a few days. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were both going strong and people had a lot of questions about the choices then President Bush was making. One Australian man, whose name I have since forgotten, asked with some frustration, “Why aren’t the American people speaking up?”
“They aren’t getting the same information as the rest of the world,” I answered.
That realization was one of the biggest shocks of the trip. In our hotel rooms across Greece and Turkey we were able to watch CNN International. Each day they had hour long programs that spanned the globe: an hour on Asia, then Africa, then Europe, then South America. The delved into the issues on every continent as though it mattered for everyone to be informed. There was little or no celebrity coverage or tables full of pontificating pundits that fill up American air time. And it was the same company carrying out both slates of programming.
The American media thinks the American people are stupid, was my conclusion.
Nothing much has changed. They still think we are stupid, or perhaps so clueless and privileged that we don’t have to understand what the rest of the world doing. We can be left with the fluff and the mistaken belief that everyone else in the world wishes they were us. For, as John Mayer sang so well,
when you trust your television what you get is what you’ve got ‘cause when they own the information they can bend it all they want.
One of my Christmas presents was a subscription to Poets & Writers magazine. In one of the articles in the last issue was this quote:
You have to put yourself in a position to discover something new.
Though the writer was not talking specifically about how we stay informed, he’s on to something. The word news is simply the plural of the word new. We do need to put ourselves in a position to discover news and not let ourselves be fed what seems most commercially viable to the media moguls, or what feels most agreeable to us. As much as I would like to blame the editors of TIME, the only reason I know they had other covers around the world is because John Stewart told me, and that’s my bad. The world deserves better from me.
TIME and CNN and Fox and the rest of them are the fast food of the news and entertainment industry. To depend on them makes as much sense as relying on Burger King or McDonalds to give me a good nutritious meal everyday. It’s up to me to feed my body food that matters; the same goes for my mind and heart. Back in my Royal Ambassador days (for you who didn’t grow up Baptist, think Southern Baptist Cub Scouts), we used to say, “As a Royal Ambassador, I will do my best to become a well informed, responsible follower of Christ . . . .”
How can I live out my calling if I don’t know what is going on around me and beyond me? The short answer is I can’t. Living out my calling means putting myself in a position to discover the news that I might do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly.
The second annual Wild Goose Festival will take place this summer just outside of Durham at Shakori Hills from June 21-24. Come join me for a great experience. Here’s a short video from last year’s gathering.
issued the invitation with this short paragraph:
