• my eulogy for my mother

    by  • January 24, 2016 • family, grief • 18 Comments

    Here are the words I spoke at my mother’s funeral:Version 4

    When my father died, I adapted a poem I had written for him a few years earlier, which allowed me to tell his story, express my feelings, and get through the whole thing without breaking down here at the podium. To my disadvantage today, I didn’t have a poem on hand for my mother. The memories and stories of her are stuffed in my mind and my heart like the pieces of paper crammed into one of the notebooks we found in her apartment this week, and they are full of emotion. There is so much to tell, so much for which to be grateful. What then shall I say?

    My earliest recollections of her are in the kitchen. She loved to cook, and she loved to have people around her table. Both are things she passed on to me. So I thought the best way I could organize the thoughts and stories crammed in my brain would be to offer a recipe for the life of Barbara Cunningham.

    Like the best recipes, this one is simple. First, set the temperature of her life to tenacious. My mother loved being alive as much as anyone I have ever known. She was unflappable in her energy and determination. Whether it was telling first dates at Baylor that if they didn’t want to spend their lives in Africa there would be no second date, or pulling out her Texas drivers license during the Zambia Independence celebrations so that she could pass as a reporter for the Dallas Morning News to get into one of the festivities, or looking at the doctor when he came to visit her in hospice and saying, “If my goal is heaven, what do I need to do?”, she was going to get what she wanted. When he heard her choice to go into hospice, her primary care doctor said, “You have made a choice of courage and hope and not of despair.” Set the temperature on tenacious.

    The first ingredient is a contagious faith. She wanted, more than anything, to tell people about Jesus. And she did, right down to the very end. It seemed every time she got on an airplane she came home with another story about someone she had called to faith in Christ. The story never stopped there, however. She had an amazing way of keeping up with those folks whom she had met through chance encounters. She wanted to know what happened after that first meeting, which leads me to my next ingredient: a hunger to connect.

    My mother loved connecting with people and then connecting people with one another. One of her visitors in hospice this week was a Baylor student who came with his mother—they had driven all the way from Nashville. Mom found out he was interested in becoming a dentist. A couple of hours later, I came back into the room after stepping out to give her time with others who had stopped by. Mom told me to find her address book and call the young man because she had found him an internship with her dentist who had just left the room.

    As I mentioned earlier, her love of cooking grew out of this hunger to connect. The table was a way to bring people together, o there was always room at the table for whomever she could find. Meal time was an event to be celebrated, even if it was just the four of our family eating ham sandwiches. It was also a time to try new things, which points to the next ingredient in this recipe.

    A love of learning and a willingness to fail. I know—that’s two things, but I think they are tied together, particularly in my mother’s life. She loved to try new things. One of Dad’s favorite stories was about my mother getting ready for a big dinner party, which was only a day or two away. She was still figuring out the menu. They turned out the light and she said, “What have you ever seen done on top of a chicken?”

    A party was not the time to pull out old favorites; it was time to make a leap of faith, to go out on a limb, and if people didn’t speak up soon enough she would say, “Isn’t this good?”

    And it was.

    Around the time she turned eighty, she started taking piano lessons, partly because she regretted not doing it as a child, but also because she just wanted to learn something new. There was always room to grow.

    Next we add an adventuresome spirit. When my folks were at Westbury Baptist Church in Houston, there were parents that would by my mother a season pass to Astroworld so she could take their kids to ride the rollercoasters. One year they built a big new wooden coaster and advertised a free t-shirt if you rode it ten times in one day. Mom took several middle schoolers to the park. About ride number seven one of them said, “You go ahead, Mrs. Cunningham. We’ll just sit here and wait for you.” She got her shirt.

    The last ingredient is an extravagant sense of generosity. She not only shared what she had, but she looked for ways to help you share what you had, too. When she realized she was not going to be able to go back to Africa to live out her days working in an orphange, we all go letters inviting us to help buy blankets and supplies. Over two years she raised almost $60,000. One of the things of which she was most proud is the scholarship fund at Truett Seminary named for her and my father because it was a way to keep on giving and a way to stay involved with missions and with Africa. And if she were here today, she might remind you that you can still contribute so that we can fully fund the scholarship. I’m sure the ushers will be glad to take your checks.

    Set the temperature on tenacious and add a contagious faith, a hunger to connect, a love of learning and a willingness to fail, an adventuresome spirit,  and an extravagant sense of generosity, and couch them in the love of a lifetime she found in my father and throw in that she was never afraid to both repeat and embellish a story, and you’ve got Barbara Cunningham, a recipe she was always willing to share.

    If you would like to see the service, you can find it here.

    Peace,
    Milton

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    18 Responses to my eulogy for my mother

    1. January 25, 2016 at 12:09 am

      This is wonderful. I’m so sorry for this separation but so glad for our hope in Jesus. I’m so glad, too, that so much of your mother lives on in you. Blessings, Milton.

    2. January 25, 2016 at 5:55 am

      I’m so sorry for you loss, Milton.

    3. January 25, 2016 at 7:42 am

      Milton, what an incredible loving tribute to a remarkable mother. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. It was beautifully crafted with love and devotion.

    4. Maggie
      January 25, 2016 at 7:55 am

      I just think, “Wasn’t she something?” I would love to have known her. But wait, maybe I DO….?

    5. Joy N
      January 25, 2016 at 8:25 am

      Beautiful…she sounds a lot like you.

    6. sherry
      January 25, 2016 at 8:37 am

      From a mother, there could be no finer nor heart felt words that could ever mean more….than having a child express their admiration and gratitude so lovingly to their mother. A mother is so much and so many things to many individuals… and we can have our hand in many matters…. mothers are amazing multi-taskers… But nothing is more important than what one pours into the life of their child. Your mother, as you have expressed so eloquently, was this mother… and your sitting at the edge of her bed playing hymns for her was no doubt heaven on earth for her…as she prepared to go rest at in the arms of the Father. My prayers for you and your family, as you continue celebrating her life and loving on the internal spaces of your heart that will forever miss her and your dear father. God Bless you Milton.

    7. Linda Russell
      January 25, 2016 at 9:17 am

      Your mother inspires me to live life fully and love all the way to Heaven!! You have so many of these fine ingredients in your life also!! Blessings on you and yours.

    8. Judy Dean Patterson
      January 25, 2016 at 9:46 am

      Milton, I was blessed to meet your amazing mother at a Baylor function several years ago. After introducing myself as a college friend of yours we spent the next hour or so chatting like life long friends. She was magnetic, caring, enthusiastic and real. I absolutely loved her will never forget the joy she showered into my life that evening. She was a treasure, and you have been blessed with a most amazing legacy. Love to all.

    9. January 25, 2016 at 10:16 am

      Milton, I am moved by your beautiful tribute to your Mother. She sounds like an amazing woman and you have painted such a picture with these carefully chosen words.

    10. David R
      January 25, 2016 at 10:17 am

      I’ve often said that I won the ‘parent lottery’, but now I realize that there are repeated drawings and you won yours, as well. A wonderful tribute to one who must have been even more wonderful than those good words can express. I wish I had met her.

    11. January 25, 2016 at 11:51 am

      thank you for sharing this! makes me want to be a better person! she sounds like a wonderful woman of God!

    12. Julie Hughens
      January 25, 2016 at 4:19 pm

      Milton, so sorry to hear of your mother’s death. Your tribute to her was beautiful. I shared it with my mother who had some fond remembrances of her at Baylor. I would love to send you her comments if you will send me your email. Mine is jhughens@comcast.net.
      Peace.

    13. Todd
      January 25, 2016 at 5:46 pm

      Milton, just like your words, your mom sounds beautiful.

    14. January 25, 2016 at 7:35 pm

      Milton, I feel like I know something of your wonderful mother after reading your eulogy. I certainly know how much you loved her.

    15. Roger Swann
      January 26, 2016 at 10:35 pm

      Milton,I was a Journeyman in Kenya 1968-1970, during the time your family lived in Karen near Nairobi. I admired your parents greatly. Yes, I had meals with you all several times. Many times I said”amen” as I listed to the memorial service. Do you remember RA’s? My prayers will continue with you all.

      • Jan Morris
        January 28, 2016 at 3:35 pm

        Milton, it was very sad about your mom, but I kno she was ready to be with your dad and Jesus….your an awesome son and thank you for your words of about your mom..I had meet your mom and dad at Westbury over 30 years ago. and never knew her to be any other way but with a wonderful smile and the love of Jesus…Thank you again for your wonderful memories.

    16. January 30, 2016 at 12:09 pm

      As a Baylor alum and as someone who lost her mother six years ago, I truly enjoyed your tribute to your mother. Take care.

    17. Becky Miser Parkman
      February 1, 2016 at 8:50 pm

      Milton,
      I am sure over the past few days you have heard from many how much they loved you Mom and Dad. They both had a very unique way of making everyone feel special. Your tribute is so moving and paints a picture of who she was and how she touched so many people through the years. My Mom went to be with our Lord a year ago. After she passed away, you hear people tell you this or that about your parent. To us she was Mom. You begin to realize anew the scope of one life . You realize you will see them again in heaven, but oh how you miss that smile, that hug, that phone call from Mom. My prayers are with you and all your family as you grieve for your loss and her homecoming with your Dad and all the saints waiting with open arms.

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